Worth it

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Life, who the he** needs it? Depression, humiliation, misunderstood, hated. I can’t stand the sight of myself. I stay, locked away in my dark room. No one bothers me, no one understands me, trapped in my mind of constant doubt. I can’t escape, well not until I let go. Give up on life. No one will miss me, no one will even notice. How could I do this, my dad doesn’t own a gun. There aren’t enough pills in the medicine cabinet. I don’t know what to do. I’m confused and trapped without a cheat sheet. I know I wasn’t the most normal kid in school, but does that really give anyone the right to torment me. I hate them, but there isn’t anything I can do. There are more of them, only one of me. I’ve tried to go and talk to teachers about it, but no ones done a d*** thing. I absolutely hate school, teachers, students, kids, people, the world, myself, life. I wish I still cried myself to sleep. Now I can’t cry at all anymore, and sleep eludes me. I stay up all night, dealing with my nightmares, being tortured by taunts, pondering if life is really worth it. I just can’t see myself going anywhere. I’m hated by everyone, including myself. It’s raining out, that is one thing that I love, the sound of rain dancing on my roof. Well, maybe tonight won’t be too bad, I can stay up and relax to the sound of rain. What is that yelling, oh god, my dad came home drunk again. Here goes another fight…

“You are a pig! A sorry excuse for a human being! So didn’t bring that wh*** home this time?”

“What I do is what I do, no one can tell me how to live my life, you stupid b****!”
“Think about our son, he’s been depressed lately and it’s probably because of how you have been coming home every night completely smashed, smelling of strip club!”

I can’t take this anymore, I’m going outside. There is a bridge a mile from my house, I just want some fresh air. It’s really cold out, but I don’t want a jacket, I’ll just freeze to death! The rain feels so good on my skin, I feel like the pressures of life are melting away with its glorious touch. I love this time of night too, no cars, no people, and its raining, I couldn’t think of a better night to go out for some air. Well here is the bridge… I could, should I, I don’t know, jump, dive? Would it kill me from this height? I don’t want to fall and then just get seriously injured. What should I do, I guess I’ll just stand here and see what happens, I should think a little bit more. Pros and cons? Well pros, no more being hated, no more taunts, no more pressure, no more stress, no more yelling, no more torments, no more dealing with life and its stupidity. Cons, I don’t see any cons, nothing worth it, I could jump right now and be dead in just a few –

“Ring ring, ring ring”

Oh, I forgot to take my phone out of my pocket before I left, lets see, oh great it’s my mom.

“Hunny, where are you? You’re not in your room, or anywhere in the house, I’m worried sick–”

“Mom, I’m at the bridge, just a mile up the road, getting some fresh air, nothing to worry about, I was just—”

“It’s three in the d*** morning! Get back home right now! I can’t believe—”

“Mom, I’m goanna jump off this bridge and end my life, I can’t take it anymore, I—”

“WHAT?! No, back away from the edge, hunny, I love you and you know that, I’m sorry for yelling at your father and not being here for you because I have two jobs to help support our family, I love you Jason, I love you so much, and you don’t even understand. I’ll be right there to come get you.”

She… she loves me? I’ve never heard that come out of her mouth before. “I love you Jason…” it keeps echoing in my head. I guess I’ll just get off the edge…

One month later, I still am waiting outside the gates. What a stupid way to die. D*** rain.





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ShayleeMar said...
May 31, 2012 at 10:19 am
wow...... that is deppressing. I, wow. Really puts things into perspective... wow. The ending is confusing but other than that its pretty darn good.
 
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