The Cave

March 26, 2012
By DarkAngelNyx GOLD, Napoleon, Michigan
DarkAngelNyx GOLD, Napoleon, Michigan
12 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown." -H. P. Lovecraft

Who would have thought we'd end up like this? We never should have gone in the cave, never should have climbed the mountain, no. We never should have gone on that stupid trip. But we were young, and captivated by the idea of an adventure... Never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined what would happen to us.

We were in love, David and I. We were to be married. 'David and Fiona Anderson' has a nice ring to it, right? But it never happened. What happened in that cave changed everything. The horrors we endured, for what seemed to me to be years. I later found out we were only there for 8 days, but it felt like it had been 20 years we spent in that pit of Hell.

It all started when we found the cave... I was the one who went in first, and David followed... Admittedly, I was the one who began our introduction to hell. I seduced him, enticed him in on the premise of an intimate endeavor. It was simple enough; we 'did the nasty,' as is said nowadays, but when we tried to return to the outside, we discovered that we had lost our way. The cave was in fact an immense maze of lightless tunnels, an unfathomably large maze, where one could be lost and never found; a maze that was home to demons of the dark. Everything that scared us as children, everything that went bump in the night were nothing compared to what haunted -- no -- What hunted us there.

After a long time of looking for the entrance, we gave up. Exhausted, we collapsed to the ground and fell asleep. We awoke some time later to a horrible cackling sound that echoed all around us... A few minutes passed, and it stopped. We sat in silence for a while, and just when we thought we were alone again, something grabbed my right leg, digging its claws in to my flesh. It dragged me across the rough stone bottom of the cave. An awful screeching filled the cavern, and my mind just barely registered that it was me. Amongst my screams, I could hear David shouting my name, fumbling behind me, searching in the dark.

The creature, the demon, was on my chest. It breathed down my neck, and I could feel its sharp teeth on my flesh. I stopped squirming, and my screams cut off abruptly.

"Fiona? FIONA!!" Dave's voice called out, distant and filled with desperation. I could hear him fumbling closer, and the closer he got, the louder the demon growled. Just as he found my hand, the demon leapt off my chest and scuttled off in to the unknown darkness.

The food ran out quick- we had only packed enough for 1, maybe 2 days if it was stretched. The walls pushed in on us, the stale air was suffocating... but we didnt move. We had always heard growing up that if you were lost you were supposed to stay in the same place... For us, we had no choice. We had no idea where we were, no sense of direction, and we were too exhausted to think.

Demons visited us hourly, or perhaps demented spirits who, like us, had been lost and died down in the cave, their souls mutated with anger and depression. They sat beside us in the dark, snarling and growling from time to time. After a while, Dave, my sweet kind, loving fiancée, who would never have hurt anyone... snapped. He stood and began screaming profanities at the demons, threatening and challenging them. As their snarls grew louder, his threats increased...

It must have happened quickly, but it seemed like they took hours... Dave's threats turned to agonized screams, and I heard every joint, every bone in his body pop... I heard a suction noise, and there was a coppery smell, and I knew that they had ripped off a limb. My screams mixed with his, as more bones crunched. All was silent for a minute, and then the most awful sound I had ever heard in my life echoed through the cave... David gasped and choked for air, gargling blood. His body made a loud, soft thud as he hit the floor, and the demons left. I scrambled in the dark to find him, and held on to him, sobbing. His blood covered me, and he was dying quickly but he was able to choke out two last words: "I'm sorry."

I felt him go limp in my arms as I pleaded with a god that I no longer believed in to take me instead of him. I screamed in the dark, daring them to come back for me, threatening that I would put up a hell of a fight, and swearing I would have my revenge.
I sobbed until I passed out, and when I woke, I was being wheeled out of the cave on a stretcher. I screamed the first thing that came to mind -- "DAVE!! WHERE'S MY DAVE?!" I fought frantically to be free of the restraints. I looked to my left and saw a stretcher with an unzipped body bag on it... The coroner had his back to me, examining Dave's lifeless body. My vision blurred with tears when I saw his face, frozen in an expression of pain and regret.

Shortly after my exit from the cave, I learned that we had only been an hour and a half from being saved... and we were less than a mile from the outside world. I slipped in to a coma, and that’s where I am now... In my dreams, I can imagine that I'm still with my Dave... that we got married, and have 2 children, and we live happy lives. But in the back of my mind, I know. I can never forget. I'll always be haunted by the cave, the demons that tore my heart away.

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This article has 4 comments.

on Sep. 15 2012 at 10:08 pm
DarkAngelNyx GOLD, Napoleon, Michigan
12 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown." -H. P. Lovecraft

Actually, I wasnt raised in Britain, and I don't read a lot of british legends. In America, ( " ) is used mainly for dialog, whereas ( ' ) would be appropriate for stating something such as that.   I appreciate that you've got your opinion on how my building of suspense was too slow, but I tend to stick with the usual 'intro, build, peak, downslope, end' format.   They're searching for THE exit because while they were climbing the mountain, they didnt come across any other openings, and they didnt see any farther up.   As for the demon introduction, I'm not sure how it's abrupt, when this entire time I've been building up to it, I've got the growling sounds in the background, and then right when things go quiet, it attacks (quiet before the storm)   I wrote this for an online contest before submitting it here, and I was awarded 2nd place. I've also entered it into Creepypasta.   I do thank you for your critique, despite its length and semi-negative tone.

Eirias SILVER said...
on Jun. 12 2012 at 8:07 pm
Eirias SILVER, Spring, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 71 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you wish to be a writer, write" -Epictetus

Did you grow up in Britain? (at any rate, I can tell you read a lot of old British legends and whatnot) In America, we use double quotation marks (") . . . this means YOU, "David and Fiona Anderson." (and a few other spots) Just thought I'd establish that.

I feel bored with how much forshadowing you're using. If it is truly as captivating of a story as you are foreshadowing it to be, quit wasting my time telling me you will impress me and do it already!

Paragraph 4, why do you look for the entrance if you stuck inside? Also, a simple article change will make a huge difference. "searching for the exit" means that you have lost your way and you just have to retrace your steps to recover your bearings. "Searching for an exit" means that your priority is the get OUT and you aren't picky about it . . . this phrasing shows that logical processing is not in the forefront of your mind, perhaps because you are in a hysteria?

The introduction of the demon was abrupt. . . I think you need to work on subtlety. Overall, that is the most lacking aspect. I will be the first to admit that it is a hard skill to learn, and one that's I'm particularly bad at--but that's why I write humor!

Keep working, and try to keep the reader from knowing what you're doing. You should be aiming for something called suspension of disbelief (look it up if it isn't a term you're familiar with) and the very first thing that happens is the excessive forshadowing . . . it makes me acutely aware that you are trying to suspend my disbelief, which of course completely heightens it.

on Mar. 28 2012 at 2:38 pm
DarkAngelNyx GOLD, Napoleon, Michigan
12 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown." -H. P. Lovecraft

D'aww thanks (: Sure, I'll look for it now

NickM. BRONZE said...
on Mar. 28 2012 at 8:08 am
NickM. BRONZE, Ocoee, Florida
3 articles 0 photos 1 comment
I Really like this peice! Its wonderfully written! Can you check out my article, "From A Killers Perspective"? 


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