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The Mocking Light

I open my eyes. I can barely see. The light is unnaturally blinding. I quickly close them again. Knowing what to expect now, I cautiously reopen them. The light has dimmed, and slowly shrinks until I see the light for what it is, not as close to me as I recently expected. It is actually far away. Extremely far. I think about how long a journey it would be if I tried to follow it. This was the first thought that entered my mind. I have not taken in my surroundings. I have no idea where I am. I look around. It seems like an open field, with healthy, beautiful grass. Flowers of all kinds surround me, and as I look into the far distance, the beautiful colors are closer together. The further ahead I look, the more it looks like a painting. The clouds above me are the thickest, whitest, and most defined I have seen in my entire life. It is easy to imagine children laying down and making images out of the clouds all day. A stunning sight really. Where am I though? I have no idea. I turn around. More of the vast plain is all I see. There seems to be no life or intelligence for hundreds of miles. This pasture seems like it will go on forever.

I have not moved. I have stood in one spot for who knows how long. I can't remember a thing, and I am starting to worry. Where am I? How did I get here? WHY am I here? Is this a dream? A vision maybe? No matter what it was, I am here for the time being and that's all I know. I haven't moved or spoken, and I don't know if I can. I have no idea what came over me at this moment, but it seems like something took control of me. Something cold. It was unexpected because the weather was comforting and warm until then. The cold shiver that entered my body was long lasting and uncomfortable. This was more than just the wind blowing, this was SOMETHING. But what? Somehow I knew it wasn't anything to do with my body. This dark, bleak coldness took over me and for some reason unknown to me I let out a howl. A cry for help. No one hears me, and because of this I start to question if I actually made a noise. No, I must have. I heard it. But no one else did.

At this point, my mind is panicked. I don't know where I am, why I'm here, and even having doubts about who I am. Has the coldness taken over my psyche somehow? I seem even colder now. It has been nothing but quiet here so far. Now, I hear the faintest music. Where is it coming from? Is it in my head? It doesn't sound like anything I've heard before so it can't be. Plus, it sounds like the sky is playing it. But that's impossible, right? It sounds like a harmony of a piano, a harp, and violin. Despite the panic in my mind due to confusion, I am calming. This music—fake or not--is extremely calming. The serenity almost acts as a drug, putting me into a trance-like state, I'm sure I would look dumbfounded to someone else, but I don't care. All I want is to be left alone.

As the music played on, I kept my sights on this light in the distance. I know the state of my speech, but I have still yet to move. I can't remember how or why I am here, but something was telling me that the light would have an answer. The light seemed all-knowing from far away. But as I was looking at it, a strange bond between the light and I ensued. It now seemed like this light was an old friend, that had good times together, and also bad times. I cared for this light. The light and I seemed so different, yet so much alike.

With my newfound thoughts, I made it a necessity to reach the light. I took one step forward. It was the easiest step I had ever taken. It felt like I was walking on air. A thought went past me, suggesting the entire journey will be this easy. With a less cautious step, I took another one, and another, and another. The only downside is that I get a sudden chill after a few couple of steps. I started to walk faster. This was going to be a breeze.

As I walk though, the music becomes less serene. I notice this. At first I thought it was just me, but then I realized it wasn't me or the music becoming less friendly. It was going away completely. What replaced the music is disturbing. Indistinguishable whispering went from the sky to all around me, to inside my head. I fall to the ground, as if the noise hurts. And it turned out, it did. My eyes were shut as I was concentrating on the whispering. It got more and more legible as well as painful. I was finally able to make out that it was saying, “How could you be so careless? How could you? You ignorant fool. What do you care about? Nothing other than yourself and your naive self-proclaimed idea of how one should live, love, speak, and act.” This scared me. Less of what it was saying and more of why it was saying it. I had no idea what it was referring to and neither did I care. I am so cold it feels like winter. I long for a jacket. I open my eyes. The terrain has changed. The bright and calm pasture and the blue vibrant sky has transformed. The grass was dead and brown. The flowers looked pitiful. Every one was bent over and black. I look up at the sky and I see a purplish-black sky. The sky was not as beautiful as it sounds, but rather repulsive looking. I can't describe something so nice sounding to actually be unattractive. There were no stars, and no moon. The worst part of it all was that I liked it for some unknown reason. I stand up, and it is far more difficult to walk. It feels like there is iron in my shoes. As I walked slowly and struggling, I felt like I was walking through a hurricane, except there was no wind.

I am shivering to no end now. I try my best to ignore it, but it is indeed hard.

The light is dimmed. It looks like it's in peril. This only makes me want to get to it more. But I can't. It seems as if the light is backing away from me at every step I take. As cold and pale as a corpse, I decide to give up. This predicament is far too uncomfortable. I wish to return to the serenity of the bright pasture. I turn around to find nothing but black. I look down, and there is no ground ahead of me. There is no turning back. Forward is the only way to go. Every step gets harder and harder. I am freezing. Along with all the mental suffering I have endured, I start to see more. I see faint outlines, or ghosts of people hurt. Physically, emotionally, every kind of pain is presented before me. I hear the screams of thousands, but I can't do anything about it. I continue on. I look up to see the light, and it is almost completely gone. I try my best to call out to the light, perhaps it will answer. I could not find my voice. I wanted so badly to speak to it forever about everything I could think of, but no words left from my mouth. The light continues to retreat, but I can't help thinking it's calling out to me. As much as I want to help it, and as difficult it is to reach it, I suddenly feel like many are already helping this light. No..... This can't be. I've known this light for forever. How come the light won't come to me? It seeks refuge in acquaintances rather than someone who has been through everything with it. No. NO! It's mine! I need to speak to it but I can't. So I just keep on walking, and weeping, knowing that something is unspoken, that somehow my stupidity has affected my ability to communicate with the light. If I wouldn't have done something, I could have brought this light back to it's full glory. But my selfishness stopped me.

So I continue on --with a body nearly covered in numbness-- walking, and occasionally attempting to speak to the light, but only mocks me. I keep on struggling, in the freezing, dark, misery of a once serene area, my ears still pounding with the screeches of pain, well aware that I will never be successful, and it's all my fault. And I will never know how or why.....



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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

FilmNut1138 said...
Sept. 30, 2011 at 5:05 pm
I can't describe my own mind and the ways it brings me to some of the ideas I have haha. But Thank you!
 
T-Art said...
Sept. 30, 2011 at 4:54 pm
This is GREAT!  So descriptive, I felt like I was there and feeling the emotions you descibed...almost a haunting feeling you set up there. What made you think to write something like this? :)
 
FilmNut1138 said...
Sept. 24, 2011 at 11:08 pm
Hey everyone I would really appreciate some feedback. Whether it be complimentary or criticizing, I want to see everyone's opinion. Thank you :)
 
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