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Lucifer

The broken glass crunched beneath his heavy black boots. Each piece of glass was coated with a dark liquid. Blood maybe? He couldn't be sure. The wooden walls were beginning to rot away. He walked over and sat in the large armchair. Stuffing was seeping through the split seams, but he didn't mind. Home sweet home, he thought with a tiny chuckle. Several bodies lay in the far corner of the room; the rotting stench of flesh filling the house. He smirked at his many "trophies." He turned his head ever so slowly to the girl huddled in fear on the stained couch. Her blue eyes were full of fear as she gaped at her captor. A large bruise in the shape of a hand print was starting to form on her face.


"Wh-who are you?" the girl quivered, her voice unsteady and hesitant. Her once sleek and beautiful blond hair was now streaked with mud. Bits of blood clung to each strand, blending with the mud. Her face was pale except for the still forming bruise.


"Who am I?" he echoed. "You can call me Lucifer. Welcome to H*ll." Lucifer smiled, showing the girl his sharpened yellowing teeth. He let out a menacing laugh as he studied the girl. She was younger than his usual victims, much younger. "How old are you girl?" he asked.

"T-t-twelve," the girl stammered as tears streamed down her pale face. She wished she was with her mother. Her mother always knew how to take the pain away.

"What's your name?"

"Kendra," she told him as the tears continued to fall. Kendra's gaze landed upon the mangled mess of bodies. Fear shook her to her very core. "Wh-what are you going to do to me?"

"What am I going to do?" Lucifer inquired. "Well, you'll most likely end up like the others over there, You'll be a fine addition to my little collection." He smiled again as a vicious glint passed through his eyes.

"No," Kendra said in a trembling voice, "please don't. Daddy please don't"

"Too late, princess," Lucifer cackled. He lifted his beloved knife over his daughter's trembling body. He cackled as tears stained her face. "Time to go see Mommy."



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Claudia.VIIThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Nov. 11, 2012 at 9:47 pm:
Ok, only one nitpick, and I'm sure this has been mentioned before. The girl asks him who he is and he replies "Lucifer", but then she calls him, "daddy". Are you trying to make her so completely in shock that she completely forgets and asks only to remember or...? Just remember to watch out for that in your future work. Otherwise, not bad. :)
 
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Atl.Braves03This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 1, 2012 at 6:06 pm:
Wow, seriously creepy. Well written though, definitely. Just very creepy.
 
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WSwilliamsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jul. 20, 2012 at 1:21 pm:
great horror story. i would love to see Lucifer take on Freddy Krueger
 
WaffuleezThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jul. 20, 2012 at 2:45 pm :
Thanks! I'm glad you like it :)
 
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tears-of-an-angel said...
May 22, 2012 at 3:09 pm:
love it and its creepyness, though it snot too creepy.. still love it
 
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HonorThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jan. 23, 2012 at 6:35 am:
Great writing, but ahhhh it's seriously creepy! I mean like scary creepy!
 
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JakeDamon said...
Dec. 11, 2011 at 10:42 pm:
Dude scary and amazing
 
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Jappyalldayeveryday said...
Nov. 13, 2011 at 6:58 pm:
Woah. This is so creepy and horrible! But I'm pretty sure that's what you were going for, so good job! lol
 
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ChristySparrow said...
Sept. 21, 2011 at 5:16 pm:
Yay! Yay! Whoop-whoop! It was really good! Loved it! ^-^ Keep up the good work!
 
WaffuleezThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Sept. 21, 2011 at 5:32 pm :
Thanks Christy!! And I'm getting aggravated with thoe " thingys. I feel they make it hard to focus on the dialogue.
 
kingofwritersThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 10, 2011 at 7:16 pm :

Overall, it's very good! There's just one part that confused me.

At first the girl is asking the man who he is, and Lucifer is asking the girl who she is, and suddenly the girl calls him Daddy and you wrote 'He lifted the beloved knife over his daughter's trembling body.'

If they hadn't known each other to begin with, it's really confusing when they start acting like they're in the same family and that they've known that all along.

So try not to make that mistake again, a... (more »)

 
WaffuleezThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 10, 2011 at 7:23 pm :
I see what you mean. I was trying to make "Who are you?" sound more like someone asking "What have you become?" Almost like she couldn't be sure that her father had become a deranged killer. When Lucifer asked "What's your name?" I meant it to be like "Who are you again?" Almost as if becoming a deranged psychopathic killer had erased the memory of his own daughter.
 
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