The Virus | Teen Ink

The Virus

February 16, 2011
By Tacowiz BRONZE, Charles Town, West Virginia
Tacowiz BRONZE, Charles Town, West Virginia
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
I know this defies the law of gravity, but I never studied law! -Bugs Bunny, my personal hero

Woman: Hello?

Officer: Ma'am, I feel I must alert you that there has been an outbreak of a new disease known as "the cooties" in the general area. Not to sound sexist, but we believe there is a direct coorelation between the female gender and the spread of the virus.

Woman (one eyebrow raised): You're kidding.

Officer: Ma'am, I do not kidd about the safety of the public.

Woman: Cooties?

Officer: Yes, ma'am. The virus appears to be a new form of sexually transmitted disease, passed directly through what the layman would refer to as "kissing".

Woman: I believe you are mistaken. Cooties are merely an urban legend invented by children in order to frighten other children.

Officer: Ma'am, are you trying to start something with the Department of Public Health?

Woman: Your badge says "Department of Public Transportation".

Officer: Yes. We handle public health as well now. Budget cuts, you know.

Woman: Budget cuts?

Officer: Dreadful, isn't it? We all have to make sacrifices. For example, nobody that breathes the air here will be able to survive anymore.

Woman: I'm leaving now.

Officer: Ma'am, I'm afraid I have to take you to the hospital for medical research.

Woman: Can't I just be quarantined under house arrest?

Officer: Sorry, ma'am. The last patient we allowed to do that imploded.

Woman: ...She imploded.

Officer: It is one of the terrifying effects that the virus has.

Woman: Are you even still trying to be convincing?

Officer: Ma'am, I am appauled at your lack of respect for the badge. I am going to have to escort you to the hospital by force.

Woman: Define force.

Officer (holding a stick): I am going to beat you with a small, blunt object until you are thoroughly annoyed, at which point you will give up and come with me.

Woman: ...That doesn't sound very efficient.

Officer: Ma'am, I don't believe it is your place to determine that.

(at the hospital)

Woman: This isn't a hospital! Its the back of a van!

Officer: Budget cuts, ma'am.

Woman: How much was this "budget" cut?

Officer: Our budget is currently a shoe and a string. We call it "the shoestring budget".

Woman: That. wasn't funny.

Officer: I assure you, ma'am, our budgetary restrictions are no laughing matter.

Woman: Fine. Just perform the experiments and get this over with.

Officer: Okay, but I need to get some supplies. Johnson!

(a stereotypical Igor hunchback runs up)

Johnson: Yesss, massster?

Officer: I need you to go to the store and pick up twelve pounds of ham, a scale model of the solar system, and twelve dozen copies of Jerry Seinfeld in Bee Movie Rated PG In Theaters Everywhere This Friday.

Johnson: Yesss, my massster.

(Johnson jumps out the window. You hear tires screeching, cars crashing, police sirens, and then an explosion. Red liquid splats on the floor from out the window.)

Woman: Ummm...

(Johnson crashes through the ceiling, leaving a gaping hole. He has all the items in question, and is chewing on a human arm.)

Officer: That'll be all, Johnson.

(Johnson flaps his arms and flies away)

Officer: Now, I am going to need to shove this scale model of the solar system up your a**.

Woman: Why?!

Officer: I am a professional, ma'am. I know what I am doing.

Woman: Can I at least get an anesthetic?

Officer: There's not enough time, ma'am. We have to operate quickly before the virus can spread.

Woman: What virus?! This is ridiculous! I see no reason to---

(a two foot army of small cooties, each half the size of an ant, crawls out of the Woman's a**)

Woman (screaming): What's happening?!

Officer: I wanted to defeat the germs while they were still in their larval stage, during which they are suceptible to scale models of the solar system. It is their one weakness. But once they exit the anal region, they are out of the larval stage and therefore immune to our scale model technology.

The End???

The author's comments:
I believe laughter is the best medicine. When you're being bullied, and your guidance counselors wont help you, sometimes a good laugh can help you get through the tough times. If you get even a chuckle, it's already working.

Warning: Some minor vulgarity.

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This article has 1 comment.

Oozeworld said...
on Mar. 1 2011 at 9:14 am
Oozeworld, Reno, Nevada
0 articles 0 photos 19 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Whatever they offer you, don't feed the plants!"

This article was remarkably humorous.  Congratulations on finally getting it posted!

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