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A Case of Mistaken Peril
I awoke in the middle of the night to the shrill sound of my ringing phone.
“Hello?” I answered groggily.
“Randall?” A girl on the other line asked. “This is Carly. From the supermarket?” I searched my brain for memories of her. I remembered bumping into a girl named Carly ten years ago in the grocery store, but I didn’t really know her at all. How did she get my phone number?
“Yeah, I think I remember you. How did you get this number?”
“That’s not important. What is important is that something terrible has happened.”
“That’s not important. Just know that it’s terrible and that it has happened. Get out of bed.” I obeyed the voice. “Change out of those purple duck pajamas.”
“How do you know what pajamas I have on? Where are you?”
“That’s not important. Just know that I am somewhere. Now change!” I changed my clothes inside the closet so she couldn’t see me. “I could see you in the closet.”
“Gah! Stop seeing me!”
“I can’t stop seeing you without gouging my eyes out and since that would be extremely painful, I would prefer not to. Now go to the kitchen.”
“Okay, I am in the kitchen.”
“Touch your toes.”
“What? Why do I have to touch my toes?” I shouted.
“Just do it! And don’t put down the phone!” I reached hesitantly for my toes, trying not to bend my knees, the way I had learned in gym class all those years ago. “Good job. Exit your apartment…Alright, now the building…Good, good. Come across the street.” I walked across the narrow street into the park. Suddenly two hands were on my shoulders and I screamed like a sissy little girl, and I was glad my friends weren’t around to hear me. “Stop screaming you cowardly wombat. It’s me.” I turned and saw a young woman standing behind me, in a banana costume.
“Why did you call me wombat? Why are you wearing a banana costume?”
“That’s not important. Come with me.” I followed her for several miles though the cities until we reached a pineapple stand where a gorilla was waiting.
“Shalom,” said the gorilla. “How now brown cow?” It was apparently a secret code.
“Stop being weird Manfred,” Carly replied. I guess it wasn’t a secret code. “Something terrible happened. I was at the fish market -” I was disturbed by this information.
“You were at the fish market wearing banana costume?” She was clearly annoyed that I had interrupted her.
“Yes, and the fish monger exploded into a million pieces of cheese.”
“Oh no!” the gorilla who I now realized was actually a man named Manfred in a gorilla costume cried.
“Oh yes. Then I was chased down an alley because they believed it was me who made him explode. I hid in this guy’s closet until just a short while ago when I enlisted his help.”
“You were in the closet?” I exclaimed in horrified surprise.
“That’s not important. What is important is that I need a pineapple. Then we can all sleep easy.”
“You woke me in the middle of the night just to purchase a pineapple?”
“Yes. Can I borrow two dollars?” I gave her the money, went home, and never heard from Carly again.