Gaurdians of the Swords

July 11, 2010
By Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.


I got out of my gold convertible, feeling great. I was bored, and it was Saturday, which meant it was time to hit the beach. As I stood up, my gold designer bag in my hand, I pulled off the comfy pink tee-shirt I always wore when I drove to the beach, revealing my striped bikini. It had to my two favorite colors on it, gold and pink. I walked barefoot through the hot, sand dusted parking lot. I darted to the sand covered beach just to get off the hot pavement. It was still hot, but it was a lot better. I put on a broad and honest smile as I strutted down to the cool sand by the water. I raised my hand, and put on my sunglasses, and looked over my beach. I lived in los Angeles, so I went to the wonderful beach pretty often.

I walked along proudly, my eyes darting back and forth at the stupid guys staring at me, their eyes wide. That was the benefit of sun glasses; you could look at people, or even sleep, and no one could tell. Most of the guys weren’t worth looking at, but it was still fun to see them all bask in my glory.

When I finally reached my cool-sanded spot, I pulled out my bright pink towel from my beach bag. Wind blew from the ocean, throwing my golden hair out behind me.

As soon as I sat down, I heard, “Hey!” Taking my time, I turned around. A guy was running towards me. When he stopped in front of me, I looked him over. Now he was worth looking at.

“Do you want to play volleyball with us?” He asked, his average length dirty blonde hair blowing around as if it was trying to escape his head.

“Sure….” I said, putting a flirty smile on my face. The dude grinned, and waited while I stood up. We then walked over to an area where a volley ball net was set up. On the other side was a skinny guy with blonde hair that covered his ears completely. Another girl was on his team too. She had short black hair, and looked happy, but kind of afraid to be here. What was she afraid of? She was with a guy who seemed to like her. Maybe she was just bad at volleyball, and afraid to get hit in the face. That would be pretty embarrassing. But I wasn’t really worried about it. I had good reflexes.






















I sighed as I climbed back into my car. Volleyball happened to be a tiring sport. But it had still been fun, and I was going to meet the guy, Jack, at Starbucks in the morning.

I threw my bag and sandy towel into the passenger seat, and slipped the pink tee shirt back on. I turned the key in the ignition, and rolled the top down. I picked up my sun glasses, and put them back on. I pressed my foot down on the gas, and backed out of my parking spot. I then took off down the road, the radio blasting.

I drove to my house that lay right on the edge of downtown L.A. It was a good sized house I guess. Or at least that’s what my friends said when they would come over. Actually, they’d something closer to “You’re freaking rich!!!!” Ha ha. I guess so, but whatever.

I smiled as I drove through my city. It was my favorite place in the world. People starred at me as I drove by. I was barely allowed to drive, and I already had one of the nicest cars in town. I didn’t mind being stared at. I was worth looking at.

I groaned under my breath as I entered the bad part of town. It was a way I had to drive through to get home. At least, if you wanted to get home the short way, and I was supposed to be home in exactly 5 minutes for dinner. Apparently some people were coming over. Did I care? No. But if I didn’t come home, there was always the possibility I would lose my car, and THAT would be a tragedy. I laughed at the thought of walking into a room with some other stupid important people with suits standing there as I wore my tee shirt and bikini. Of course that wouldn’t happen. I’d go through the back door.

I frowned. This part of town was so gross. It was gray, and dirty, and trash littered the streets. There were homeless people everywhere. It made me guilty, and a little scared. I slouched down in my seat just a little, and pressed on the gas, trying to get out of here as fast as possible. The Katy Perry music coming out of my radio sounded awkward in the silent atmosphere. I flipped it off, but it didn’t help. Now it was silent.

Realizing how slow I was going, I pressed down on the gas, and kept driving.

After a few minutes, I realized I still wasn’t going any faster. I pressed down harder. Nothing. I stomped in frustration, but I just ended up slowing more. Seeing that there was no hope, I pulled over to the side of the road as my car stopped completely.

“No….” I groaned softly, taking the key out, and putting it back in again. Nothing happened. “No!! No! Nooo!!!” I yelled trying over and over again, but I knew it was no use. I sighed, giving up. Why had it stopped? The gas tank was practically full!

I reached over to my bag to grab my cell phone. Realizing the creepy people walking around the streets in these parts were starting to stare at me, I ducked down lower, and continued to search my bag. Why couldn’t I find my phone? Feeling extremely annoyed, I dumped out the whole bag, and ended up scattering its contents all over the passenger seat, and floor. Where was it!?! It wasn’t in there! I dived into the back seat, and cleared the inside of the glove department too. It wasn’t anywhere to be found.

Trying not to cry, I took a deep breath. I was going to have to ask someone for help. Someone around here.

Slowly, I climbed out of the car, glancing around nervously. I started walking up the street, looking for anyone trustworthy. I was having trouble finding someone. Gross looking guys kept staring at me.

Suddenly a cold hand landed on my shoulder, “You lost?”

I gasped, completely terrified. Without looking back, I took off and ran, reminding myself never to drive through here again.

I heard feet pounding behind me. But it didn’t sound like just one guy.

What did they want? What did they want? I wanted to scream, and maybe that would have been a good idea, but I didn’t have enough air in my lungs for that. My bare feet hit the ground stinging. I wanted to stop. My lungs burned. I. had. To. Stop.

I turned down a random ally, and glanced back. They were still following me. I looked around. There had to be a way out of here. A fire escape.

I ran up the ladder, and starting whipping up the stairs to who knew where. I knew it had to end somewhere. I was a fast thinker, but not always a smart one.

By cleaning of metal behind me, I could tell I hadn’t lost them yet. These weren’t any ordinary guys that stalked girls. Normal ones wouldn’t be so persistent. Of course, I hadn’t even looked at them yet. Who knew what they looked like. What if they were my parents, looking for me? I amused my self thinking of that, even though it was very, very, unlikely.

I gasped for breath. Now, not only was I running as fast as I could, but I was running as fast as I could up stairs, and occasionally a ladder. My throat felt tired and dead. I could see the top of the building. I had to think of something. Quick.

That’s when I spotted the open window.

I slowed down enough on one of the many ladders that one guy was right under my feet. I kicked him hard in the face, and then using every last drop of energy I had, scrambled away, darting toward the window. I leapt inside, swinging my legs over the side. As soon as I was in, I glanced around, looking for something that could be of use. It was a dark, dusty room filled with shelves that rose to the ceilings. The shelves looked like they were filled with complete junk.

Seeing the door, I darted over to it, turning the knob frantically. It was locked, stupid storage room. Knowing the guys would be coming, and NOT knowing what they wanted, I desperately looked for something to defend myself with, or to hide in. But then they rushed into the room. They wore hoods that made their faces shadowed. Not thinking at all as they charged at me, I backed into one of the shelves.

I heard a clanging noise, and one of the guys exclaimed, ”No!”, and then something hit me right in the middle of my head. My vision blurred into darkness, and my head throbbed.

“Ow…” I moaned, and then after the sensation of falling, everything disappeared.


The author's comments:
This is a story I write with my friends about five girls with very different personalities. You'll learn more of what it's about as the story goes on. I hope you like it. I worked hard on it.

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This article has 28 comments.


Coffee BRONZE said...
on May. 6 2011 at 9:04 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

we should probably work on this somtime...

on Feb. 25 2011 at 4:00 pm
SpringRayyn PLATINUM, Lakeville, Minnesota
34 articles 2 photos 658 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't punish yourself," she heard her say again, but there would be punishment and pain, and there would be happiness too. That was writing."
--Markus Zusak, "The Book Thief"

Ohh that makes more sense now.

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Feb. 25 2011 at 12:14 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

well it's actually going to be a novel (written with three other people, i just narrate this character). This is just my first chapter. The rest will be posted soon on our group account

on Feb. 15 2011 at 5:16 pm
SpringRayyn PLATINUM, Lakeville, Minnesota
34 articles 2 photos 658 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't punish yourself," she heard her say again, but there would be punishment and pain, and there would be happiness too. That was writing."
--Markus Zusak, "The Book Thief"

Why is it called "gaurdian of the swords"?

on Feb. 15 2011 at 5:10 pm
SpringRayyn PLATINUM, Lakeville, Minnesota
34 articles 2 photos 658 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't punish yourself," she heard her say again, but there would be punishment and pain, and there would be happiness too. That was writing."
--Markus Zusak, "The Book Thief"

The ending is so suspenseful! What the heck!?!?!?! I dislike you!! Give me a ended ending!!!! Otherwise good. C:

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 31 2011 at 5:03 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

Well, it's kind of old. but thanks for such a detailed review!

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 31 2011 at 4:58 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

yeah....im not really a vetry good writer, but I try

charmiypiggy said...
on Jan. 26 2011 at 12:18 am
charmiypiggy, Melbourne, Other
0 articles 0 photos 116 comments

Favorite Quote:
You eat food for the enjoyment of it; the fact that it helps you stay alive is just a bonus.

Sorry about the last two being so short. I'll finish in this one.

 

'I could see the top of the building.' Just say 'I could see the roof of the building looming up ahead.'

 

'I slowed down enough on one of the many ladders that one guy was right under my feet.' Replace with:

'I slowed down enough on the ladder I was climbing that I could feel a hand groping for my foot.'

 

The sentence after that, change to 'I kicked him hard in the face. Then, using every last drop of energy I had, I darted towards the window.'

 

'... I darted over to it, turning the knob frantically.'

'... I made my way through the junk and started twisting the knob frantically.' 

 

'It was locked, stupid storage room.' Change the comma to a full stop.

 

Sentence after that, change to 'Knowing that the guys would burst in any second, I looked around desperately for something to defend my self with, or at least somewhere I could hide.'

 

'They wore hoods that made their faces shadowed.'

'They wore hoods that shadowed their faces.'

 

Sentence after that, change to 'My brain was paralysed as they charged me, and all I could do was back up into one of the shelves.'

 

Last sentence: "Ow..." I moaned. I felt as though I were falling through an abyss, and then everything disappeared.

 

Finally! No offence, but your article has many more mistakes than others I've edited. Hope this helps!


charmiypiggy said...
on Jan. 26 2011 at 12:03 am
charmiypiggy, Melbourne, Other
0 articles 0 photos 116 comments

Favorite Quote:
You eat food for the enjoyment of it; the fact that it helps you stay alive is just a bonus.

Hopefully, I'll mangae to get the rest in this one...

 

'By cleaning of metal behind me...' What does that even mean?

 

'Who knew what they looked like.' Question mark instead of full stop.

 

'I amused my self thinking of that...' Change to 'I tried to amuse myself thinking that...'

 

'Not only was I running as fast as I could, but I was running as fast as I could up the stairs, and occassionally a ladder.' Change to 'Not only was I running as fast as I could, but I had to do it up the stairs and the occassional ladder.'

 

'My throat felt dead and tired.' Should change it to legs,or use other adjectives such as raw.'


charmiypiggy said...
on Jan. 25 2011 at 10:25 am
charmiypiggy, Melbourne, Other
0 articles 0 photos 116 comments

Favorite Quote:
You eat food for the enjoyment of it; the fact that it helps you stay alive is just a bonus.

So, here I go again...

 

'I. had. To. Stop.' Capital H. And if you say that, the character usually actually stops. Maybe just leave it out, merge it with the next paragraph and write 'Breaths racking my raw throat, I turned down an alley and glanced back.'

 

'There had to be a way out of here. A fire escape.' You should say that you saw the fire escape. Just insert a sentence in between the two. e.g. There had to be a way out of here. Then I spotted it. A fire escape!

 

'...and started whipping up the stairs...' Whipping up the stairs? Just say sprinting.

 

 Sigh. I need more time...


charmiypiggy said...
on Jan. 24 2011 at 11:05 pm
charmiypiggy, Melbourne, Other
0 articles 0 photos 116 comments

Favorite Quote:
You eat food for the enjoyment of it; the fact that it helps you stay alive is just a bonus.

Getting through everything might take some time...

 

'... I said, putting a flirty smile on my face.' Sounds weird. Just say 'I smiled at him, batting my eyelashes.'

 

There's no space in volleyball.

 

'...that covered his ears completely.' Put' completely' between 'that' and 'covered'.

 

'Another girl was on his team too.' Change to 'There was another girl on his team as well.

 

'Volley happened to be a tiring sport.' Just replace 'happened' with 'was'.

 

The sentences in the second paragraph after the big blank sound the same. Comma, then fullstop. It makes it sound a little choppy. Try something like this instead:

 

'Turning the key in the ignition, I rolled the top down and put my sunglasses back on.'

 

'... the radio blasting.' You should add something after 'blasting'. Maybe a song name or soemthing.

 

'...that lay right on the edge..' Should change it to 'that stood right on the edge'

 

'It was a good sized house I guess.' Change to 'I guess it was a good-sized house.'

 

'...friends said when they would come over.' Change to 'friends would say when they came over.'

 

'... they'd something closer to...' Insert 'say' between 'they'd' and 'something'.

 

'People starred at me...' Stared.

 

'... I entered the bad part of town.' Replace 'bad' with something else. Creepy, or something.

 

The sentence after that, change to 'It wasn't a pleasant area, but I had to drive through to get home.'

 

'It was gray, and dirty...' Remove 'and'.

 

'...and a little scared.' Change scared to nervous.

 

'... I presses down on the gas.' Either add pedal at the end, or change 'gas' to 'accelerator'.

 

'... taking the key out, and putting it back in again.' Change to 'Twisting the key in the ignition.'

 

'... I dumped out the whole bag, and ended up scattering it's contents all over the passenger seat, and floor. ' Change to 'I turned my bag upside down and shook it, scattering its contents all over the floor and passenger seat.'

 

Remove the second sentence after that.

 

'Gross looking...' add hyphen in between.

 

'... I took off and ran...' They basically mean the same thing. Just say 'I took off down the street,'

 

'...heard feet pounding behind me...' Add something after 'pounding'. Maybe ' feet pounding on the gravel/tarmac'

 

 '...hit the ground stinging.' Put comma after ground.

 

I've got to go, sorry. I'll do some more later..


charmiypiggy said...
on Jan. 24 2011 at 11:20 am
charmiypiggy, Melbourne, Other
0 articles 0 photos 116 comments

Favorite Quote:
You eat food for the enjoyment of it; the fact that it helps you stay alive is just a bonus.

Hey, sorry I took so long to do this. Been a bit busy lately. I'm not entirely sure how to word this, but I like how you captured the mindfraame of your character. Follow's people's stereotypical belief. That kinda sounds like rubbish, doesn't it? I'm half asleep right now, but I'll try to get in as much detail as I can. You don't seem to have a very wide range of adjectives.

 

Um, first sentence. 'I got out of...' I think you should replace 'got' with 'stepped'.

 

The third sentence is too long. Try redoing it with a full stop and fewer commas. Try this:

 

'I stood up, gold designer bag in hand, and pulled off thec omfy pink tee shirt I always wore when I drove to the beach. I basked in the sun's rays as it hit my stylish striped bikini.' Or something like that.

 

'...hot, sand dusted parking lot.' Hyphen between sand and dusted.

 

'...darted to the sand covered beach.' You should find another way to describe the beach, as you already used a similar adjective in the previous sentence. Maybe just 'sandy'?

 

'... just to get off the hot pavement. It was still hot, but it was a lot better.' Again, use a different adjective for one of them. Maybe 'the scorching pavement'?

 

'I put on a broad and honest smile...' Use different adjectives. Sorry, none come to mind at this moment.

 

'I raised my hand, and put on...' Either remove the comma or the 'and'.

 

'...the wonderful beach pretty often.' Either remove 'wonderful', or use a different adjective.

 

The first sentence of the first paragraph should be revised. Here's a suggestion:

 

'I sashayed over to my spot, my eyes darting back and forth at the dumbfounded guys staring at me, their eyes wide.

 

'...his average length dirty blonde hair...' Either change 'average length' to something else, e.g. long, short etc, or just omit it.

 

'...waited while I stood up.' Change 'stood' to 'got'.

 

Sorry, that's all I can do now; I'm pretty tired. I'll do more as soon as I can.


on Jan. 22 2011 at 4:17 pm
lucybrown SILVER, Blacksburg, Virginia
7 articles 0 photos 112 comments

Favorite Quote:
The wastebasket is a writer's best friend. ~Isaac Bashevis Singer

First things first, but not necessarily in that order. ~ From Doctor Who

There were just some places where the sentences seemed kind of short and choppy- AvengedJasonFold and AshTree covered most of it I think, so that's why I didn't explain very much.

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 22 2011 at 12:25 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

her personality is amazingly fun to write from, hahhaha. :)

yeah the first chapter is a lot different from the rest of the book, so I hope you guys still like it when we come out with more. What small problems were there? it was summer so I'm sure there's grammer type issues....Pretty much everyone on here needs editing. I should do that....There's a lot of things I should do....hahha


on Jan. 22 2011 at 10:12 am
lucybrown SILVER, Blacksburg, Virginia
7 articles 0 photos 112 comments

Favorite Quote:
The wastebasket is a writer's best friend. ~Isaac Bashevis Singer

First things first, but not necessarily in that order. ~ From Doctor Who

I actually really enjoyed this.  Your main character has an amazing personality, and I like her, especially towards the end. 

Except for a few small problems, I thought it was really suspenseful, especially when her car breaks down and she's running from those guys.

I hope you keep working on this, it would make a great novel!


Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 8 2011 at 12:38 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

yup, you're suposed to hate her, especially in the beginning. Yes it's like 6th moths old. haha trying to (or at least I've been meaning to) work on it. But thanks a lot for your advice, I really appriciate  it.

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 8 2011 at 12:36 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

There is more...but not on teenink. plus I have to edit this. But thank you so much!!!

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 8 2011 at 12:12 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

Yeah it's about 6 months old, my spelling su.cks (I wrote it in the summer) but then again, it kind of su.cks during the year too, lol. It actually is going to be a novel, but I'm writing it with a couple friends, and we all have our own character (I think we did a good job making them each unique). We made a separte acount for the story, but it hasn't been posted yet because we're editing.

Coffee BRONZE said...
on Jan. 8 2011 at 12:08 pm
Coffee BRONZE, Tallahassee, Florida
4 articles 5 photos 184 comments

Favorite Quote:
Your Face.

Thanks alot for your advice, I agree. It's not a brand new thing, so yeah the writings not great. I don't have anything great on here right now, and haha I know it needs editing (I wish teenink would let us edit...)

No, it's not really based on anyone I know. In fact my friends are the complete oposite. I made her up. Thank you, it was suposed to be kind of funny in parts. :)


on Jan. 7 2011 at 12:01 pm
Hazel-daisy GOLD, --, Other
19 articles 0 photos 324 comments

Favorite Quote:
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else - Erna Bombeck

In three words i can sum up everything I've learned in life: it goes on -Robert Frost

Live, Love, Laugh - ______

Hope, Love, breathe <3 - Me

From a story point of view, i liked it and i liked how you used the stereo type L.A girl...i want to read the rest, but at the same time i think you could make it a short story or something...As from as grammar view and stuff, i didn't notice anything major but (this probably sounds awful!!) if there was any mistakes with spelling etc. then editors and people like that would see that before publishing a book. Thats why i don't really mind about spelling, even though its still important! So all in all its a good piece and i it rated 5 out of 5!!!!




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