How to Host a Murder Without Even Trying---Chapter 1

June 24, 2010
By GzusFreak10 GOLD, Staten Island, New York
GzusFreak10 GOLD, Staten Island, New York
17 articles 0 photos 102 comments

I stepped through the front door at 11 o'clock that Friday night. Mom had just driven me home from youth group, and I was telling her all about the night--Megan's funny quirks, Austin's annoyances, Victor's niceness, Cassy's week--well, almost everything. I couldn't bring myself to bring up Jake. I had liked the guy for two years, and was thrilled that he had decided to go to Wagner College, right here on the island. I didn't really think he liked me back...until tonight. I could still hear his voice in my head, replaying the scene over and over. "I'm glad I decided to stay in New York. Becoming friends with you has been so...amazing." I wouldn't have thought anything of it, except he had looked at me weird. Like how the guy in the movies does when he's talking to the girl. But I wouldn't bring it up. No sir, I would talk about any other guy in youth group for hours and try to leave Jake out of what I was saying as much as possible.
When we got through the door, I was laughing. "My team came in second in the water-drinking contest, but that's only because on one team, Joe had half a gallon, and Jake pretty much had the rest." Snap. I had just mentioned him again.
"Sounds like you had a lot of fun." My mom smiled. "Why don't you go get changed, and we can talk more in the morning, k?"
"Ok. I'll be down in a couple of minutes." I climbed the steps, not knowing that was the worst thing I could do at that moment.
I opened my door, humming a Hillsong tune. I cut myself off when I saw what was inside. Five large men, all in black, surrounding a wide-eyed girl about my own age, who I knew from the newspaper to be Princess Elgitha of Austentashus. The guys looked mafioso. Black, short hair, beady black eyes, a couple having black moustaches or beards, all of them having biceps tje size of chihuahuas.
"Ah, our hostess is here," one, who seemed to take command, said smoothly. "I hope you don't mind us using this place as a rendezvous, but there really was no other option. Now," he said coldly, drawing a '48 from his belt and putting it to the princess's head, "leave the room, say nothing of this to your mother, and the princess will be spared. If you call the cops, she will die, we will disappear, and if you survive, which seems HIGHLY unlikely, you will be charged for murder."
I took a quick survey of the men. They could all snap me in half, but only if I didn't out-run them. No one had a gun in hand or any sign of reaching for a concealed weapon, so I took a chance.
I sprinted forward, slapped the gun out of the man's hand, cried, "Never!" and sprinted out of the room.
"Mom, run!" I ordered, grabbing her arm and leaping out of the house. "There are five guys in my room who want to kill me!" I explained as we ran up the block. The guys were already starting their car. I heard a blast that sounded like a car back-firing, but I would soon find out it was a gun front-firing.
We made it up to the top of the hill at the top of our community. We couldn't run anymore--neither of us is really fit. We bribed a passerby to tell the men that we were headed in the direction of New Jersey. We hid in the shadows until the guys sped by in their tan Corolla. Then we headed back home.
When we got in, Mom called the cops. I went upstairs to see if the men had left any evidence. They had left plenty. A '48 revolver lay smoking on the floor. Blood dripped from Elgitha's head. And a tape recorder lay under the chair. It had recorded the whole conversation, except for the threat. The tape had run out. Someone had framed me for the murder of Princess Elgitha.


The author's comments:
This is the first chapter out of four of a mystery/romance. I'm sorry, I have to put both God and relationships into all my stories. And I'm sorry if I seem repetitive at times. I don't exactly have a thesaurus with me, and I think it works this way. Hope you enjoy!

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This article has 9 comments.


on Oct. 10 2011 at 2:19 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1648 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

Okay, this was better than your preface, but I still have some criticism.

1.  More relevant description.  While this story had much more description, some of it was pointless and took the place of much more important description.

2.  Read over your work.  I caught a few typos and grammar errors, but those can easily be fixed.

3.  Read your dialogue aloud.  At this point, it's not very realistic.  Try writing the way you speak; it really helps.

 

Other than that, I think this was much better than the preface.  Keep writing!


on Nov. 28 2010 at 4:37 pm
GzusFreak10 GOLD, Staten Island, New York
17 articles 0 photos 102 comments
Thanks! Yeah, i liked the phrase 2. And thanks 4 the thumbs up about keepin God in it. I appreciate the positivity about it. :)

on Nov. 27 2010 at 8:32 pm
inksplatteredfingerz SILVER, Union, New Jersey
8 articles 4 photos 48 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Where I'm from, we believe all sorts of things that aren't true--we call it history."--the Wizard; Wicked

Oh my God, she died??!!! Aww that's so sad! But good twist lol. I should've seen it coming though=P

I loved the beginning because it just shows a regular teen talking about regular things. But when she finds the princess in her room, it was a little awkward. She wasn't confused AT ALL. If I were her, I wouldn't have even recognized the princess--I'd be too busy wondering how and why a bunch of strangers are in my room! Work on the ending and you'll be good to go=)


on Nov. 27 2010 at 8:16 pm
Phoenix97 PLATINUM, Minneapolis, Minnesota
29 articles 4 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
See lyrics to "Let the Waters Rise" by MIKESCHAIR and "Everything" by Lifehouse

Sad! The princess dies! :'( Good story so far--it flows well and is keeping me interesting, both in plot and phrases. I love the expression "biceps the size of chihuahuas." It made me laugh. :) This one has some grammar/typo stuff too, but I'm sure you can fix it easily. By the way, I love that you are keeping God in your story. 

on Sep. 12 2010 at 2:28 pm
GzusFreak10 GOLD, Staten Island, New York
17 articles 0 photos 102 comments
Thank you! I'm glad u enjoyed it! Please comment on the rest of the chapters! I'd love to hear ur imput! Like ur screenname btw. :)

on Sep. 12 2010 at 8:44 am
MaliyahP. SILVER, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
9 articles 0 photos 41 comments

Favorite Quote:
There are pirate ships and steam ships but the best ship of all is friendship.

Very nice I really liked the beginning and how you eased into the climax...very nice can't wait to read chapter 2!

on Jul. 9 2010 at 8:34 pm
GzusFreak10 GOLD, Staten Island, New York
17 articles 0 photos 102 comments
Thanks! Any pointers? One of my friends thinks that the bad guys need 2 b meaner. U can tell better when chapter 4 gets approved, but what do u think so far? About the bad guys, i mean?

on Jul. 9 2010 at 1:02 pm
cHicKEnWaNg1 SILVER, Marietta, Georgia
9 articles 1 photo 100 comments

Favorite Quote:
It aint no thang but a chicken wang

truthfully i really do like it

on Jul. 8 2010 at 5:55 pm
GzusFreak10 GOLD, Staten Island, New York
17 articles 0 photos 102 comments
Please comment! Help me make my writing better!


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