If Only

June 20, 2010
By _Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
_Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
9 articles 7 photos 436 comments

Favorite Quote:
- I stare danger in the face and giggle
- Never argue with an idiot, people might not know the difference
-R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry)
-Tip Cologne ryhmes with alone


The funny thing about people is that their harsh laughs never seem to disappear. They act like I can’t hear them whisper about me. They think I don’t care when they punch my face and break my bones unmercifully. This is my third school so far, so you can say I don't belong. The other funny part is that they actually think I don't care. Ever since mom died, a force field kept me separated from everyone around me, I care a lot more than I used to. When she was alive, I would always come home crying and her soft, sweet voice would always calm me down. Her words would help me wash the pain away after I was kicked back down so many times. But, last year, there was an accident. And accident not even a murderer deserved. Her murderer is still unknown to the world. When I get a job I'm going to be a detective so I can solve the murder of my mother. That sicko isn’t getting a free pass.

At school that force field kept me from having friends. Every time I tried to diffuse it, it hurled me back. My mother had always told me that their jealous of me. But when I see their appalled faces as I walk by, I know it’s a lie. If I could find a school where I could fit in I would but now it's just a small day dream. Oh yes, by the way, my name is Lia Welpk. Welcome to my nightmare, just don‘t make it become yours too…








* * *


“Weird, I’ve never been in this part of the town before.” Kari raised a skinny eyebrow. I could easily count the tan wrinkles that scorched her young face. She drove a simple white truck, nothing too fancy.

This too is like a virtual world. Green groves of trees were spread out among the road, a few buildings stood in between them. White opaque clouds swam up ahead peacefully. The sun shown but it was hidden among the lush green branches of the scenery.

“Yeah a lot of people haven’t. This providence is owned by Spekmen.Cesario is just a coffee shop of its turf.” Kari uttered, never taking her eyes off the road. “Oh, Spekmen, Lia, is an all boy’s high school.” Her voice was neutral, never happy nor sad. Just there. Kari’s black wide eyes turned to mine. I nodded my head once but Kari didn‘t notice.

Spekmen huh? “Hey Kari what is Spekmen like?” I need a new beginning. This just might be my only chance. Butterflies flew in my stomach as they thought of the idea of a new start, a different identify.

“Oh please don’t tell me,” Kari said nonchalantly, knowing exactly what I meant.

Suddenly, almost simultaneously, a man literally appeared in front of the road. A gun in his hand, his finger tight on the trigger.

The safety off.

Where did he come from? His long silver hair, the pointed chin, and the wide light purple eyes made him look like a myth. He was handsome but it only seemed like a glamour. The bloodlust in his eyes sent shivers down my spine. The hair on my arms stood on end. He stared at me, his eyes ancient and secretive. He stared at me in no way possible to describe.

Unreal and yet he stood only meters away. No one was on the road but him. Nothing stood around Kari and me but him.

“Holy…” Kari screeched to a stop but she was faded away too. The break thrashed to a stop, hitting the floor of the car with an earsplitting thump.

Worry, fear, and confusion swelled up inside my soul. My anxious breathing speed out of control. There was no noise but the nervous beating of my heart.

A high pitched squeal burned inside my ears. Seconds later I realized it was mine. I gasped for breath but it didn’t do any good. I reached for my cell
phone but it was vanished too. Every thing was gone except for me and that man in front of Kari’s car.

“I must be hallucinating, yeah that’s it.” My voice cracked and trembled as I tried to convince my self that I was just turning officially insane. I tried to keep my voice steady but it thrashed between octaves and cracked into a child’s sob. My eyes twirled to the wind shield again.

There was nothing there. No road, no air, no nothing. Not even color could save me now.

I tried screaming again without thinking. Warm, clammy hands covered my mouth tightly. I could hear my jaw cracking from the pressure. He was on
top of me. His fast, heated breath on my face. His devilish eyes staring into mine. His silver hair trailed my face and arms. I tried to look away but I couldn’t. His other hand held against my forehead kept me from moving. The only thing I could feel was fear coming across every corner. Adrenaline kicked in but it was no help. This guy was stronger than any man.

This is no man. No man can do this sort of thing. He’s like a nightmare come true.

I had once believed that I had hated people before. But no. This was hatred.

I attempted to swing my arm out and punch him right in the mouth. But all I got in return was cruel chuckling. “Leave now. You have no idea what I am capable of. Leave now before I kill you and your friend.”

And with that he was gone and it was like he was never even here. I looked around, my head was still dizzy. I could hear the wheels squeal along the road. The world was back and Kari sat beside me driving once again. Just like nothing had ever happened? Was it a hallucination? My heart bet faster and faster.

No it wasn’t. It couldn’t have been

“Are you okay? You don’t look so good…” Kari said, her lips pressed into a hard line. She pressed her cold hand on my forehead like she was
checking for a fever.

“M’ fine. Hey do you think you can enroll me into Spekmen,” deciding to forget the nightmare for only a short minute.

“Uh no, it’s an all boys school.” Kari told me in an obvious sarcastic tone.

“So? ‘Sides I have feeling I should go there.”

No leave now. Leave now Lia. The same voice called inside my head and it wasn’t me who was thinking it.

“I’ll see what I can do. Just Let me call Ana first. We got a makeover to do.” Kari Fray smiled a smile which instantly told me that she would be on my side no matter what.

One hand on the wheel, Kari reached for her phone and dialed a random number. Her brown hair creating a screen in front of her tan face. “Hey Ana, we got us a makeover to do… No it’s different this time…Shut up, I’ll show you when we get there. Calm down.”

Oh this is going to be fun. You actually think you can pull this of, huh? Fine, but I will be waiting for you to fall. You decided not to leave, you can take consequences.

The voice continued to dance inside my head.



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This article has 27 comments.


on Feb. 3 2011 at 6:40 am
Ebonykitty SILVER, Naples, Florida
8 articles 1 photo 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
You can't run out of dreams. Dreams are the start of everything...

I loooved it! This could make an amazing novel--definitley one I would buy! Please write more!

_Mags_ SILVER said...
on Sep. 20 2010 at 3:46 pm
_Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
9 articles 7 photos 436 comments

Favorite Quote:
- I stare danger in the face and giggle
- Never argue with an idiot, people might not know the difference
-R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry)
-Tip Cologne ryhmes with alone

thank you, and the character is a girl (sorry about that) and i've read some chapters of eragon in 5th grade but i have no idea who Darza is

AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Sep. 20 2010 at 7:07 am
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

The Good:  This was an intriguing idea, and it was very fun to read.  Your imagery was good, and the whole thing was very cool and unique.  You should write a sequel. :)

The Bad:  You left out some important details, like is the main character a girl or a guy?  Also you had a few errors.  However, none of these things are major, and I thought it was a good story!

The Random: The purple-haired-evil-dude kind of reminded me of the shade Darza in Eragon - have you read that series?  

You have been J7Xed! :)


_Mags_ SILVER said...
on Aug. 15 2010 at 9:52 pm
_Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
9 articles 7 photos 436 comments

Favorite Quote:
- I stare danger in the face and giggle
- Never argue with an idiot, people might not know the difference
-R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry)
-Tip Cologne ryhmes with alone

thank you, and this was just something i wrote in about five minutes. I knew it wouldn't be that great.

on Aug. 11 2010 at 9:10 am
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

I love the last line! And this is a very relateable story. I posted another comment below, but I forgot to mention everything else I had in mind, ha, my bad. I really like the way you had the first paragraph, it really just set up the story and gave it its tone. Nicely done!

on Aug. 10 2010 at 8:18 pm
iluvnacho PLATINUM, Somewhere, Colorado
28 articles 1 photo 67 comments

Favorite Quote:
\"Find the beauty in the ugly\"-Jason Mraz 5-19-10
\"Be kinder than nessicary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.\" Unknown 11-29-10

it very much capture my attention. I want to know more.

on Aug. 10 2010 at 6:09 pm
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

Well just looking over it, without reading first, I noticed that you have many, very short, paragraphs. A bit too much diolague is something that we all do and have to watch out for as writers. You don't have to explain everything in your writing through diolague. Perhaps leaving a bit of a vague desription as opposed to diolague would bring more depth and maturity to your writing, which is already quite good! Don't get me wrong! I'm NOT insulting you, just telling you something that someone told me. Trust that the reader will catch on eventually, and keep writing and drawing, really, you are quite good!

iDogrocker said...
on Aug. 9 2010 at 4:56 pm
iDogrocker, Lebanon, Oregon
0 articles 0 photos 78 comments
I'm going to have to agree with katie-cat on the grammar/story thing. I realize a story can sometimes develop a mind of its own, but you have to stay in control as the writer. Don't let rogue ideas get the best of you. Write them down in another place so that, if you get the chance, you can incorporate them into the story later. Be careful with spelling and using the right words in different places. Double check meanings if you're not quite sure. The thesaurus/dictionary is your friend!! Otherwise, this is a good piece. It needs some work, but I know it'll get there. Good luck!

_Mags_ SILVER said...
on Aug. 6 2010 at 4:31 pm
_Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
9 articles 7 photos 436 comments

Favorite Quote:
- I stare danger in the face and giggle
- Never argue with an idiot, people might not know the difference
-R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry)
-Tip Cologne ryhmes with alone

thank you, and i know what you mean by the name being there.

We-R-3 BRONZE said...
on Jul. 29 2010 at 12:12 am
We-R-3 BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
1 article 0 photos 344 comments

Favorite Quote:
A picture is worth a thousand words, however it takes a real artist to turn words into pictures.

Have you heard about the new Lebron Iphone, you have to set it on vibrate because it doesn't have any rings

so I don't should not be there, I was writing something else and changed my mind srry.

We-R-3 BRONZE said...
on Jul. 29 2010 at 12:09 am
We-R-3 BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
1 article 0 photos 344 comments

Favorite Quote:
A picture is worth a thousand words, however it takes a real artist to turn words into pictures.

Have you heard about the new Lebron Iphone, you have to set it on vibrate because it doesn't have any rings

I read your favourite qoutes so I don't. So this analogy will hit home, don't start a story with my name is, unless your wik-a-wik-a slim shady :D. I really like the story and the opening besides that one part I mentioned was really good. I f you moved the name somewhere else it sould really make that begining sound better. Awesome piece is there more.

 


_Mags_ SILVER said...
on Jul. 26 2010 at 7:39 pm
_Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
9 articles 7 photos 436 comments

Favorite Quote:
- I stare danger in the face and giggle
- Never argue with an idiot, people might not know the difference
-R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry)
-Tip Cologne ryhmes with alone

thank you, and it is a fantasy but the small murder story is linked to everything else -revealed in other chapters that haven't been posted- the guy in front of the car is the guy that killed Lia's mother, to distract Lia.

weird, i wrote this story long before i read the mortal instruments. And i never noticed the name smilarity.


katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jul. 26 2010 at 6:58 pm
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

Okay, I think you have real potential as a writer.  Some of the descriptions you used were very good, sometimes excellent, and well thought out.  But, I felt like it was very choppy and I noticed a couple of grammatical errors.  Sometimes the story felt like it was going to spiral out of control.  I mean you have to have some common ground.  Is it simply a murder mystery?  A fantasy?  Now, this part is just my own opinion, but I don't think you have to have her say, "my name is......in case you were wondering."  I think that sounds a little amateur.  Just let it come to us.  I have to confess her last name sounds like you just made it up.  It could be a real name, I mean there are some crazy ones out there, mine included.  No one can pronounce it correctly without asking me.  lol  Then, her friends name, Kari Fray.  Have you ever read the Mortal Instruments Series by Cassandra Clare?  Because the heroine in that story is named Clary Fray, which is very close, so be wary of that.  I mean the author doesn't have a claim to the last name, Fray, but it is a popular book, and very, very good in my opinion so......  All in all I think the story's interesting.  Just like any raw story it needs polishing up, but I think you're on your way.  Keep it up :)

_Mags_ SILVER said...
on Jul. 20 2010 at 8:50 am
_Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
9 articles 7 photos 436 comments

Favorite Quote:
- I stare danger in the face and giggle
- Never argue with an idiot, people might not know the difference
-R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry)
-Tip Cologne ryhmes with alone

yeah this story is a weird one, the beginning part is the prolouge and the last bit is another chapter. So sorry, its a bit confusing. And the voices in her head is the person that was infront of her car. I hope that makes more since now for you.

deka9 said...
on Jul. 19 2010 at 12:38 am

Oooh, I like this! It is quite intriguing.

So I have the same problems, and so don't be discourage. Just watch out for the changes of your tenses and punctuations.

"Welcome to my nightmare, just don't make it yours too..." I think omitting "become" sounds a lot smoother.

So the intro sounds like she's in high school around Freshmen to Sophomore, but she has a friend who can drive and has wrinkles? On top of that, her friend can help her enroll into an all boy school? I don't know how realistic that can be. If they were older like in college, then it could happen.

So how both of the girls are in the car, but Kari disappears, and then the guy gets on top of Lia inside the car? Hahaha, I had to read that section a couple of times to finally realize that you were fading everything away even the car. Then I finally realize that the color was just color and not some special power for the story to save her :) 

"But, last year, there was an accident. And accident not even a murderer deserved. Her murderer is still unknown to the world."~So her mother was murdered but the world thought it was an accident? Anyways, this is a great hook for the readers to want to know what happened to her mother, and how voices in her head relates to it. Very well done :)


lusis BRONZE said...
on Jul. 17 2010 at 7:30 pm
lusis BRONZE, San Jose, California
3 articles 0 photos 42 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It is the novelist's innate cowardice that makes him depute to imaginary personalities the sins that he is too cautious to commit for himself." Anthony Burgess

Ooh, I really like the last line. I hope you write more!

on Jul. 17 2010 at 10:05 am
xcrayolaxstormx SILVER, Coventry, Rhode Island
5 articles 0 photos 88 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't worry about it." -V.Z.

I really liked this. It's a real cliffhanger. You should write another! :D

_Mags_ SILVER said...
on Jul. 12 2010 at 5:58 pm
_Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
9 articles 7 photos 436 comments

Favorite Quote:
- I stare danger in the face and giggle
- Never argue with an idiot, people might not know the difference
-R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry)
-Tip Cologne ryhmes with alone

its not a coincidece, but i'm glad you noticed it, i kow what 12th night is/ gave me the idea to write this

_Mags_ SILVER said...
on Jul. 8 2010 at 3:34 pm
_Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
9 articles 7 photos 436 comments

Favorite Quote:
- I stare danger in the face and giggle
- Never argue with an idiot, people might not know the difference
-R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry)
-Tip Cologne ryhmes with alone

thanks, Lol i need a grammer nazi - in my blood there is jambled (misspelled) words that somehow just mix together into a typoed story

on Jul. 8 2010 at 3:23 pm
Arluanna PLATINUM, Broken Arrow, Oklahoma
31 articles 2 photos 99 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Mwahahahahaha! Now you are mine, Lesley-Bird, finally, at last, in my... oh, drat, forgot it had wings...”

-Phil, the youngest Kalins Uzin

Have you read Maximum Ride? The "Welcome to my nightmare..." is straight from the prologue from the first book. But again, interesting comcept. You seem to have a little trouble with they're there and their. I know people who have no idea what the difference is between them and just pick one and go with it. Your writing would flow a lot more and be less distracting if the little things (like typos, grammatical errors and wordplay) were fixed, and they're often things that should be picked up by Microsoft Word's Spellchecker. Maybe you should have a friend proofread before you post; I often read my writing at least five times before I post it. But again, it's an interesting concept. I'd like to see it develope. And sorry for being such a grammar nazi and a word nerd, it's just in my blood. Instead of cells, I have the alphabet floating around in there :)


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