The Whisperer

June 13, 2010
By Blue4indigo PLATINUM, Sturbridge, Connecticut
Blue4indigo PLATINUM, Sturbridge, Connecticut
24 articles 0 photos 382 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather be sorry for something that I did than for something I didn't do.
-Red Scott


The door of rotting wood creaked open as I pushed it. Taking a deep breath, I walked up the dark steps, and through the doorway. Just as I stepped into the house, the door slammed shut, the sound echoing throughout the forbidding hallways. The silence that followed throbbed in my ears. A low thud came from upstairs, making me jump. I warily studied the room ahead, made ominous by the darkness inside, before entering it. A grand piano, blanketed in dust dominated the once-grand room. Three sofas and a rocking chair were loosely placed around a grimy, glass table, chipped and cracked from all it had seen. It was too dark to distinguish anything else, but I could see that this was no haunted house; it was simply an old mansion around which senseless tongues wove fantastic tales of horror.
I approached the old piano, wanting to check whether it was well conserved. A sudden breeze raised goose bumps on my skin. Strange, there were no windows in this room, and evenings were never so chilly in July. My steps were too loud as I resumed walking, surely anyone could hear them… or anything. No, no, this is no way to think, I chided myself. But, what was that shadow in the corner? Perhaps a trick of my wildly galloping imagination, or a friend, waiting to jump out and yell “Boo!” Or, a criminal, crouching, awaiting his time. Maybe a gnome, or a ghost, come back from the world of darkness to play a sinister trick. Ha! I thought, that should be saved for Halloween! I was now close enough to the piano that I could reach out and touch it. A single note reached my ears. It wasn’t low, or high, it wasn’t loud, or quiet. But what I knew was that the source of the sound was right next to me. What, but a piano could make that sound? Plus, I was standing right next to one. And, I could swear that I saw a key pressed down, but there was no one in the room except me. Or was there?
“Welcome…” a hardly audible whisper sounding as if the one who was whispering was being choked, broke the silence right by my ear. With a small shriek, I hopped to the side. “Who… who are you?” I stuttered.
“That does not matter to you. Come here…be mine,” the whisperer continued.
“I’m leaving now. Please, I’ll go,” I whispered back, my voice failing to conceal my panic. Quickly, I started to back away, but where before was an empty doorway, was now a wooden door. There were stains on the door, dark stains. No, not stains, but dark, wet rivers. Just before the door shut, the remaining light allowed me to see dark splotches of dark liquid on the piano and previously clean sofas. Blood. The realization chilled my mind. A cold finger touched my face, and all went blank.

The author's comments:
This is only the first part of a story I am working on.

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This article has 53 comments.


Tushar said...
on Nov. 2 2012 at 7:38 am
thank u very much for this story!!!!!!!!!!!!!, i used it to school assignment and got out of out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!thanks i love u!!!!

Lovelygirl14 said...
on Apr. 18 2012 at 3:39 pm
This is an awesome story!!!!

on Mar. 1 2012 at 3:59 pm
Blue4indigo PLATINUM, Sturbridge, Connecticut
24 articles 0 photos 382 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather be sorry for something that I did than for something I didn't do.
-Red Scott

Thank you! Glad you like it. And sorry about the paragraphs, TI somehow lumped everything together when it got posted...

on Feb. 22 2012 at 6:06 pm
Writer_Jordan GOLD, Ellicott City, Maryland
15 articles 0 photos 183 comments

Favorite Quote:
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

I know that you said that this wasn't your best work from the comments, but I certainly love it! I think your ability to feel horror as you were writing this is uncanny. Well done! One thing I'd like to say is that you should separate your work into more distinct paragraphs at the start (to build suspense). I know that adding a picture makes things cram, so that might have been it.

on Nov. 21 2011 at 2:51 pm
Blue4indigo PLATINUM, Sturbridge, Connecticut
24 articles 0 photos 382 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather be sorry for something that I did than for something I didn't do.
-Red Scott

Really? Thanks, there is some more... Could you give me some feedback on my story "The Edge"- I need some critisicm :)

on Nov. 19 2011 at 10:26 pm
TouchOfARose SILVER, Winter Garden, Florida
7 articles 1 photo 118 comments

Favorite Quote:
"We all have ability. The difference is how we use it." -Stevie Wonder

I totally got chills and had to keep glancing behind me while I read this... -_-. ooy, this was amazing! Write more please! (:

on Aug. 13 2011 at 4:37 pm
Blue4indigo PLATINUM, Sturbridge, Connecticut
24 articles 0 photos 382 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather be sorry for something that I did than for something I didn't do.
-Red Scott

Thanks, (welcome to the blob of words TeenInk mushed up) I wanted to make this into a story... but my computer broke, I lost a good chunk of my work, lost interest... the story is abandoned.

Personally, I think this is one of my weakest short stories posted here, can you look at some of my other work, frankly, I like it better


on Aug. 13 2011 at 3:53 pm
claudiathewho SILVER, West Tisbury, Massachusetts
8 articles 1 photo 43 comments
This is a good start to a horror story—the richness in detail seems to work well with the subject matter. I noticed at the end you said "dark splotches of dark liquid," and this, of course, is redundant. I would take out the second "dark". Otherwise, your writing seems carefully crafted and well thought-out. Nicely done!

on Aug. 5 2011 at 10:54 am
Blue4indigo PLATINUM, Sturbridge, Connecticut
24 articles 0 photos 382 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather be sorry for something that I did than for something I didn't do.
-Red Scott

Thank you; I have two more parts up, (I think they're much better than this one), but I kind of abandoned the story.

LilaW PLATINUM said...
on Aug. 3 2011 at 9:00 pm
LilaW PLATINUM, Brampton, ON, Other
21 articles 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
Live. Laugh. Love. Fight. Flight. Get it right.<3

I love how much detail you put into this! In the beginning, especially. Seems like an interesting series.

on Aug. 3 2011 at 11:53 am
Blue4indigo PLATINUM, Sturbridge, Connecticut
24 articles 0 photos 382 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather be sorry for something that I did than for something I didn't do.
-Red Scott

For me :)     

on Dec. 5 2010 at 8:47 pm
Caramel_Apple SILVER, Yardley, Pennsylvania
6 articles 0 photos 31 comments
Who is this comment for?

Doron said...
on Dec. 5 2010 at 3:50 pm

BEAUTIFUL!!

YONINA, YOU HAVE A TALENT, YOU MUST GROW IT!!!


on Sep. 26 2010 at 9:18 am
Blue4indigo PLATINUM, Sturbridge, Connecticut
24 articles 0 photos 382 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather be sorry for something that I did than for something I didn't do.
-Red Scott

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate the advice!

on Sep. 22 2010 at 11:13 pm
1ClassicLady1 SILVER, Mona, Utah
6 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
Success is not final and failure is not fatal. The courage to continue is all that matters in the end.
~Winston Churchill

I like the story! It's very potent.

The only thing i'm worried about is sometimes you got a bit choppy with your sentences and it didn't really fit with the structure. Maybe i'm being too analytical, but that's i would have done differently.


on Sep. 12 2010 at 4:42 pm
Caramel_Apple SILVER, Yardley, Pennsylvania
6 articles 0 photos 31 comments
You're welcome!

on Sep. 12 2010 at 4:08 pm
Blue4indigo PLATINUM, Sturbridge, Connecticut
24 articles 0 photos 382 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather be sorry for something that I did than for something I didn't do.
-Red Scott

Not quite... the character disappears for now, but she will play a role in the demise of the "bad guy" in the story!( Well, at least that's what I have in my head at this moment!)

on Sep. 12 2010 at 4:05 pm
Blue4indigo PLATINUM, Sturbridge, Connecticut
24 articles 0 photos 382 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather be sorry for something that I did than for something I didn't do.
-Red Scott

Thank you very much for the advice. It really helps. I will keep it in mind when I revise.

on Sep. 12 2010 at 1:48 pm
AEAluvsanimals SILVER, Yorba Linda, California
6 articles 0 photos 64 comments

Favorite Quote:
"All creatures bleed the same blood. He who spills the blood of any of god's creatures, he spills the blood of man." - Private Journals , Landerath
Dragon's Milk.
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."- Dumbledore
Harry Potter 1

Oh okay, like Bella in twilight?

Sorry for going all capitals on you


on Sep. 11 2010 at 1:50 pm
Caramel_Apple SILVER, Yardley, Pennsylvania
6 articles 0 photos 31 comments
The only place I thought you told when you could've left it out was when you talked about how you "warily" looked ahead, but you didn't need warily. That adverb, in my mind, could have dragged it down a bit. But also I thought that you could have done some more intense dialogue with the creeper, because to showcase some mad writing skills you could have done some action through the dialogue, because that's a great place for dialogue to convey the emotions that the main character is feeling.




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