The Whisperer

June 13, 2010
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The door of rotting wood creaked open as I pushed it. Taking a deep breath, I walked up the dark steps, and through the doorway. Just as I stepped into the house, the door slammed shut, the sound echoing throughout the forbidding hallways. The silence that followed throbbed in my ears. A low thud came from upstairs, making me jump. I warily studied the room ahead, made ominous by the darkness inside, before entering it. A grand piano, blanketed in dust dominated the once-grand room. Three sofas and a rocking chair were loosely placed around a grimy, glass table, chipped and cracked from all it had seen. It was too dark to distinguish anything else, but I could see that this was no haunted house; it was simply an old mansion around which senseless tongues wove fantastic tales of horror.
I approached the old piano, wanting to check whether it was well conserved. A sudden breeze raised goose bumps on my skin. Strange, there were no windows in this room, and evenings were never so chilly in July. My steps were too loud as I resumed walking, surely anyone could hear them… or anything. No, no, this is no way to think, I chided myself. But, what was that shadow in the corner? Perhaps a trick of my wildly galloping imagination, or a friend, waiting to jump out and yell “Boo!” Or, a criminal, crouching, awaiting his time. Maybe a gnome, or a ghost, come back from the world of darkness to play a sinister trick. Ha! I thought, that should be saved for Halloween! I was now close enough to the piano that I could reach out and touch it. A single note reached my ears. It wasn’t low, or high, it wasn’t loud, or quiet. But what I knew was that the source of the sound was right next to me. What, but a piano could make that sound? Plus, I was standing right next to one. And, I could swear that I saw a key pressed down, but there was no one in the room except me. Or was there?
“Welcome…” a hardly audible whisper sounding as if the one who was whispering was being choked, broke the silence right by my ear. With a small shriek, I hopped to the side. “Who… who are you?” I stuttered.
“That does not matter to you. Come here…be mine,” the whisperer continued.
“I’m leaving now. Please, I’ll go,” I whispered back, my voice failing to conceal my panic. Quickly, I started to back away, but where before was an empty doorway, was now a wooden door. There were stains on the door, dark stains. No, not stains, but dark, wet rivers. Just before the door shut, the remaining light allowed me to see dark splotches of dark liquid on the piano and previously clean sofas. Blood. The realization chilled my mind. A cold finger touched my face, and all went blank.

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This article has 53 comments. Post your own now!

Tushar said...
Nov. 2, 2012 at 7:38 am
thank u very much for this story!!!!!!!!!!!!!, i used it to school assignment and got out of out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!thanks i love u!!!!
Lovelygirl14 said...
Apr. 18, 2012 at 3:39 pm
This is an awesome story!!!!
Writer_Jordan said...
Feb. 22, 2012 at 6:06 pm
I know that you said that this wasn't your best work from the comments, but I certainly love it! I think your ability to feel horror as you were writing this is uncanny. Well done! One thing I'd like to say is that you should separate your work into more distinct paragraphs at the start (to build suspense). I know that adding a picture makes things cram, so that might have been it.
Blue4indigo replied...
Mar. 1, 2012 at 3:59 pm
Thank you! Glad you like it. And sorry about the paragraphs, TI somehow lumped everything together when it got posted...
TouchOfARose said...
Nov. 19, 2011 at 10:26 pm
I totally got chills and had to keep glancing behind me while I read this... -_-. ooy, this was amazing! Write more please! (:
Blue4 replied...
Nov. 21, 2011 at 2:51 pm
Really? Thanks, there is some more... Could you give me some feedback on my story "The Edge"- I need some critisicm :)
claudiathewho This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 13, 2011 at 3:53 pm
This is a good start to a horror story—the richness in detail seems to work well with the subject matter. I noticed at the end you said "dark splotches of dark liquid," and this, of course, is redundant. I would take out the second "dark". Otherwise, your writing seems carefully crafted and well thought-out. Nicely done!
Blue4 replied...
Aug. 13, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Thanks, (welcome to the blob of words TeenInk mushed up) I wanted to make this into a story... but my computer broke, I lost a good chunk of my work, lost interest... the story is abandoned.

Personally, I think this is one of my weakest short stories posted here, can you look at some of my other work, frankly, I like it better

LilaW This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 3, 2011 at 9:00 pm
I love how much detail you put into this! In the beginning, especially. Seems like an interesting series.
Blue4 replied...
Aug. 5, 2011 at 10:54 am
Thank you; I have two more parts up, (I think they're much better than this one), but I kind of abandoned the story.
Inspiration said...
Sept. 22, 2010 at 11:13 pm

I like the story! It's very potent.

The only thing i'm worried about is sometimes you got a bit choppy with your sentences and it didn't really fit with the structure. Maybe i'm being too analytical, but that's i would have done differently.

Blue4 replied...
Sept. 26, 2010 at 9:18 am
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate the advice!
Caramel_Apple said...
Sept. 11, 2010 at 1:50 pm
The only place I thought you told when you could've left it out was when you talked about how you "warily" looked ahead, but you didn't need warily. That adverb, in my mind, could have dragged it down a bit. But also I thought that you could have done some more intense dialogue with the creeper, because to showcase some mad writing skills you could have done some action through the dialogue, because that's a great place for dialogue to convey the emotions that the main character is feeling.
Blue4 replied...
Sept. 12, 2010 at 4:05 pm
Thank you very much for the advice. It really helps. I will keep it in mind when I revise.
Caramel_Apple replied...
Sept. 12, 2010 at 4:42 pm
You're welcome!
Doron replied...
Dec. 5, 2010 at 3:50 pm



Caramel_Apple replied...
Dec. 5, 2010 at 8:47 pm
Who is this comment for?
Blue4 replied...
Aug. 3, 2011 at 11:53 am
For me :)     
Caramel_Apple said...
Sept. 11, 2010 at 1:46 pm
Hi! You posted a comment on my story, Tree of Life, and I'm so glad you liked it. I wanted to give you some feedback on this story! I think it's a great creepy story. This isn't my style but I can appreciate it. I just think that you told us a little too much that maybe the reader could have figured out. It's not a big deal--just for the future you may want to look out for it. The teachers always tell us to show, not tell. But the adjective use was well-used, not overly so but the story was not ... (more »)
AEAluvsanimals said...
Sept. 3, 2010 at 4:33 pm

It's a good story so far-gothic and creepy. I wonder who the whisperer is? Only one thing though, I wish I knew more about your main character. Other than that this is really good:)


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