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On His Mind

I could just imagine him lying there, oddly peaceful in a pool of his own blood. Despite the unsightly wounds running up and down his crimson-stained flesh, he's in no pain. His thoughts are the only thing keeping him alive, the only element binding his soul to his body. But as the sun creeps further into the west, and his assailant towers over him, waiting patiently for the life to leave his eyes, even that begins to fade. It's only seconds now, mere uncountable fragments of time before he's gone from us forever. He chooses to use his last ounce of consciousness wisely, and bring to life an image that once meant so much to him. As he closes his eyes for the final time, and the last breath escapes his trembling lips, you're on his mind.



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OnTheSurfaceThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
May 18, 2010 at 5:51 am:
Wow! This is really good! It reminds me not only of war, but the everyday crulety of people. My boyfriend, I think is thinking about going off to war when we graduate in a few years, this made me uneasy. but yet a little better.
 
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pandabearrrr said...
May 18, 2010 at 1:32 am:

wow. i actually think that it sounds better short. yeah description is nice and stuff but i like how it sounded as more choppy. i'm not sure i really know what you had in mind for what was happening so i sort of made up a situation iny my head haha.

also, that's a really great ending. i liked how it was all, kind of morbid i guess is the word i'm looking for and then "you're on his mind". i was just like :O "that's incredible!"

it's a sort of twisted romantic thought. not most w... (more »)

 
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Thinker said...
May 17, 2010 at 12:06 pm:
Sounds like something from the book "Milkweed", it's about WW2.
 
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Kandabear said...
May 17, 2010 at 10:07 am:
Aw. This little piece made me want to tear up. Short. I wish there had been a little more description, just a little more. But I loved it. Good. Good Good.
 
...Hopeless... replied...
May 17, 2010 at 10:09 am :
Thanks, and now that you mention it you're right, it could have used a little more detail and description.  Thanks for the advice!
 
Kandabear replied...
May 17, 2010 at 10:26 am :
Anytime thank you so much for being such a faithful reader of my work. =)
 
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Fredwardness said...
May 15, 2010 at 1:35 pm:
This is really good, very emotional. I love it. =D
 
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Ridersblock said...
May 14, 2010 at 6:36 pm:
This is great!  The last part is very touching.  The picture you chose to go with it is very compatible.  Keep it up!
 
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AvengedJasonFold said...
May 12, 2010 at 6:37 pm:
Now that's just cold! Awesome though. Are you turning it into a story? It makes a great introduction.
 
DestinysAgent replied...
May 15, 2010 at 1:46 am :
Thanks! :) I'd like to turn it into a story, but I'm not exactly sure what the story would be about... any ideas? 
 
sydney_hopeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
May 15, 2010 at 4:56 am :
This is really good! It made me think a lot. What was the context of this text? ;D
 
DestinysAgent replied...
May 15, 2010 at 5:01 am :
Thanks!  Well...I'm not really 100% sure what this could be a part of.  I'm just prone to writing overly dramatic death scenes, this just somehow arose in a conversation over sms with one of my friends.  I think it went a little something like, "I'm the last thing on his mind."  And I countered, "Yeah, the last thing before he dies!"  Thus forth, this. :)
 
sydney_hopeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
May 15, 2010 at 8:02 pm :
Haha! I figured something of that sort. :)
 
sNIKerz replied...
May 16, 2010 at 11:56 am :
Wowerz another amazing piece by you... I am not kidding, Your work is beyond great!! I wish i could be as good as you =)
 
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