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Everything was black. Everything was pitch black. Then again, where she was stayed black at all times. She knew she was not alone; she was almost never alone. Where there were not voices or the soft scratching of a pencil, the constant beeping surrounded her. That beep, that steady beep haunted her day and night. She did not understand why. There was something condemning, mysterious, almost malicious about that beep, something wrong with it. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep, out, beep.
A familiar voice interrupted her thoughts, low, muffled. What was the voice saying? She could not make it out. It was important; she could feel it. She had to know what the voice was saying, needed to know. Should she say something? Could she say something? Speak up! She heard footsteps; one two three people. Mom? Dad? More mumbling. Was that a gasp? Mom! Someone was…crying? The footsteps were coming closer, the crying coming closer. What was going on? The talking was being drowned out by the beep, that terrible beeping. It was louder than it had been. She must find out what the voices were saying. Her breathe was growing shallow. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep, out, beep.
Someone was touching her hand. She tried to grasp it but her own hand refused to move. Mom! Nothing would move. What was happening? She screamed but nothing came out, no one could hear. She needed to hear them. She needed to be heard! And that beeping! Stop! It was growing louder still, enclosing her in its sound. She screamed again. Mom! Dad! Please here me! Please don’t cry! The hand left hers. They could not hear her. The footsteps receded; no one was speaking anymore, a door slammed. She was alone; she was alone with the beep. It was the only thing she knew, the only thing that mattered anymore; everything else was gone. Everything was black. Everything was pitch black. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep…beep…beep…beep.



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thepreechyteenager said...
Jun. 7, 2010 at 4:25 pm

Now how am I supposed to be malicious about that?  I did notice one grammar mishap- "Then again, where she was stayed black all the times."

But other than that, great.  This reminded me of Poe, to be truthful.

 
deka9 replied...
Jun. 23, 2010 at 3:52 am

I agree that this style of writing is certainly reminding me of Poe. Very well done, Roxy! I love it! It keeps me on my toe. I actually did several sentences in Who Am I? ch. 2 wondering what the patient was doing besides being in a coma :) Hahaha, I'm still waiting for the editor's approval. Anyways, I didn't really care about your grammar because the storyline was so good that it just sucked me in. I agree with other people as well that this big paragraph should definitely divided into smal... (more »)

 
EllieK. said...
Jun. 7, 2010 at 3:23 pm
This was really good. The repetitiveness was what made it so powerful and though it was short, it was still amazing. Keep writing. I want to read more.
 
Wellington This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 7, 2010 at 3:15 pm
you had a really good meaning throughout. check  out some of mine?
 
--LoveHappens-- said...
Jun. 7, 2010 at 2:21 pm
I figured out what was happening at the end of the first paragraph and I really liked how you portrayed. It was scary yet sad when I realized she was ill. But your writing is great I love the flow and rhythm you had great job I love it. Your idea is fresh, I have never heard it before great job!!!
 
J.Octavian.R This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 7, 2010 at 12:39 pm

A very interesting piece. When I first figured out she was in a coma... at the end of the first paragraph... I doubted that you could continue in the same style of repetitive sentences and slow rhythm and still create a strong emotional pull. I was wrong. You defenitely had a strong emotional appeal in the story and instilled a feeling of sympathy for your character.

I think that because of the constant repetition of the word "beep" repetition of other words in the story is tireso... (more »)

 
itsdariannnn said...
Jun. 7, 2010 at 9:03 am
ok im all for leaving questions, but some answers would be nice. if this was just to keep me turning the pae then great! but if this is it i want more answers!
 
Aoifee said...
Jun. 5, 2010 at 1:55 pm
I also think the insight to the mind of someone in a coma is very origional, although I was thrown of by the repetion in almost every line. I love the feeling of curiosity whilst reading this piece, though, very clever. Well done. Aoifex (P.S. thanks for reading some of my work) Sorry I took so long to comment, hha.
 
banangela29 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 3, 2010 at 2:16 pm

very very good, but also creepy because i just recently wrote a story with a similar frame of mind for a short story contest. great minds think alike, huh?

good job, and be sure to check out some of my work if you get the chance :)

 
GoodmorningSweetheart said...
Jun. 3, 2010 at 10:09 am

Roxy, I love the idea of seeing into the mind of a girl in a coma. I think that is very original.

 

You asked me if I thought the beginning caught my attention. I have to admit it didn't really strike me until the story was finished and you ended with the same line. In that way it was a good beginning that you shouldn't change.

 

Also, I think it would benefit you if you added more spacing to indicate pauses.

For example:

"Was that a gasp?more »)

 
katie-cat said...
Jun. 2, 2010 at 2:33 pm
This was good; very expressive and interesting.  The only thing is, I wish there was more.  What's wrong with her?  What kind of illness does she have?  Does she even have an illness?  Is she paralyzed?  It left me with questions afterwards.  But, still, it was really good.  Keep it up!
 
ajkstarr replied...
Jun. 2, 2010 at 6:12 pm
I liked the moment when you figured out what the beep was. Very cool! I agree with katie-cat, I still have some unanswered questions
 
roxymutt replied...
Jun. 3, 2010 at 2:17 am
hahaha she didn't have a sickness per say.  it was from the mind of a girl in a coma.  Thanks so much for your thoughts :)
 
burnt-toast said...
Jun. 1, 2010 at 10:59 am
wow. this is the shortest thing i've read so far on this site.. but I'm almost certain it was the best. It was incredibly well written, you have a very mature writing style, excellent variety of sentences. I couldn't find any little thing to criticise or improve upon, other than that I want more! tell me there's going to be more...! i loved this piece.
 
SUPERMANDwightHoward replied...
Jun. 1, 2010 at 8:56 pm
Wow this was very powerful it had me thinking afterwords, I had just one problem which was the first 2 sentences, they was not very catchy and they said black to many times, keep writing. 
 
roxymutt replied...
Jun. 3, 2010 at 2:41 pm
I really appreciate this guys! Of course I'll try to continue to write more so thank you for your views :D
 
EmmaNemma replied...
Jun. 8, 2010 at 5:24 am
You commented on some of my stuff so I decided to see how good you were at writing. This is a really good piece. Are you going to tell us why she's like that? I have some theories about it but I'd like to know what you were thinking. Keep it up!
 
roxymutt replied...
Jun. 8, 2010 at 10:07 am
hey haha well thanks so much...i want really planning on giving a background on why she was in a coma i could have done a flashback i guess but i dont know how much it would have really added to the story...thank you again for reading
 
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