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Everything was black. Everything was pitch black. Then again, where she was stayed black at all times. She knew she was not alone; she was almost never alone. Where there were not voices or the soft scratching of a pencil, the constant beeping surrounded her. That beep, that steady beep haunted her day and night. She did not understand why. There was something condemning, mysterious, almost malicious about that beep, something wrong with it. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep, out, beep.
A familiar voice interrupted her thoughts, low, muffled. What was the voice saying? She could not make it out. It was important; she could feel it. She had to know what the voice was saying, needed to know. Should she say something? Could she say something? Speak up! She heard footsteps; one two three people. Mom? Dad? More mumbling. Was that a gasp? Mom! Someone was…crying? The footsteps were coming closer, the crying coming closer. What was going on? The talking was being drowned out by the beep, that terrible beeping. It was louder than it had been. She must find out what the voices were saying. Her breathe was growing shallow. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep, out, beep.
Someone was touching her hand. She tried to grasp it but her own hand refused to move. Mom! Nothing would move. What was happening? She screamed but nothing came out, no one could hear. She needed to hear them. She needed to be heard! And that beeping! Stop! It was growing louder still, enclosing her in its sound. She screamed again. Mom! Dad! Please here me! Please don’t cry! The hand left hers. They could not hear her. The footsteps receded; no one was speaking anymore, a door slammed. She was alone; she was alone with the beep. It was the only thing she knew, the only thing that mattered anymore; everything else was gone. Everything was black. Everything was pitch black. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep…beep…beep…beep.




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HeyThereItsMeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 12, 2012 at 8:52 pm:
Gave me chills. A round of applause to you. You gave us a sense of mystery and suspense, but also made it clear what was going on. Very well done! :)
 
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TheSilverLaurelThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Oct. 3, 2011 at 12:17 pm:

A. MA. ZING.

'nuff said

 
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vampiresrock said...
Nov. 3, 2010 at 10:36 am:

Veeeeerrrry niiiiiice!

 

 
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SageSin said...
Aug. 27, 2010 at 10:11 am:
I love that you don't neccasrly teel me that she is in a certain situation,but i have a guess is she in a coma? I'm verry interested there is a few grammer errors. I like beep as the title its a great idea to have  the beep haunting her. Did this come from personal experiecne? It sure felt like it! I'll facvorite and recommed! ///,...,^ fang says HI!
 
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gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 8, 2010 at 9:30 pm:
This was wonderful!  I love the suspense and the mystery, although you figure out that she's in the coma.  Very well-written, you can feel the strong emotions and desperation.  Excellent job.
 
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MayaElyashiv This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 29, 2010 at 9:47 am:
I love how it's so mysterious, yet the reader immediately knows what's happening to her and where she is. It does need some work, but nothing I can point to, and nothing critical.
 
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Shoka_no_sanraizu said...
Jun. 28, 2010 at 11:09 am:
Wow! I loved it. I mean there is a little repeat in ceratin words that you may want to fix later on. But no is perfect I even repeat words too many times. But I loved it keep writing.
 
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Megaphone1927 said...
Jun. 24, 2010 at 3:44 am:
Hmmm, this is really good! I knew from the very beginning that she was in a Coma, and I liked how it was so mysterious, it leaves you feeling exactly as she does.
 
taylorf463 replied...
Jun. 24, 2010 at 4:52 pm :
I agree. Nice.
 
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MitchB. said...
Jun. 22, 2010 at 12:18 am:
you have to write the rest!!!!!!!!im so hooked to it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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toflyaway said...
Jun. 17, 2010 at 2:50 am:
I loved how you kept everything so sublte but descriptive, I slowly realised where she was and it was great! The way everything just kind of leads to the realisation about where she is and why she's feeling the way she does! I'd really love to hear more:)
 
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Inherinerd said...
Jun. 13, 2010 at 8:30 am:
Really good! it kept me haning and and also hooked me with the first sentence!!! Great Job!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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DanceAwayThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jun. 12, 2010 at 9:58 am:
good job! I thought the ending was intense.
 
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Caitlyn_ilovesoftball said...
Jun. 12, 2010 at 8:29 am:
Amazing.  I liked it, very good.  But what happen to her to be in this situation 
 
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WhiteRabbit said...
Jun. 8, 2010 at 10:54 pm:
ok first of all that was really good, though there were some grammer mistakes I really look at content and what it says more than grammar, and if I were I english teacher I would give this either a B+ or  a A-.  I love how it's ominous but gives you small clues about whats going on, I totally like this. It's like a cliffhanger but not really, it doesn't tell you exactly where the person is or why their there but thats the point it's not a story that takes places in the real world, its ... (more »)
 
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ImaginedangerousThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 7, 2010 at 7:03 pm:

It was very exciting and I loved the idea. One or two issues, though.

1. Is she confused about how she got there? Or does she remember what happened? You don't nescessarily need to let the readers know what happened, just clue us in on what she knows about her situation.

2. Your paragraphs are a little long and hard to read. They could be broken up into smaller sections.

3. It should be, "Mom! Dad! Please hear me!" not "here me".

Other than ... (more »)

 
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FlyWithMe_899This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jun. 7, 2010 at 5:05 pm:
heh i got to say, wen i saw it was thriller genre, i was hesitating to read it, then i thought 'well not every thriller is scary' cuz i really dont like being scared:P so im reallly glad i read this! it was a great, exciting story. i can also kinda relate so yeah, im happy to hav read this!! good workk
 
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thepreechyteenagerThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Jun. 7, 2010 at 4:25 pm:

Now how am I supposed to be malicious about that?  I did notice one grammar mishap- "Then again, where she was stayed black all the times."

But other than that, great.  This reminded me of Poe, to be truthful.

 
roxymutt replied...
Jun. 7, 2010 at 4:31 pm :
haha thanks! i never would have caught that! im terrible with grammar!!! i appreciate you reading my work!! thanks for the comment!
 
J.Octavian.R This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jun. 8, 2010 at 12:50 am :
This really did have a tinge of Poe to it. I think that Poe uses a lot more long, metaphorical descriptions and a lot more expansive vocabulary. But the general rhythm and descriptions of emotion are remarkably similar.
 
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