Beep...

April 29, 2010
By roxymutt BRONZE, Marietta, Georgia
roxymutt BRONZE, Marietta, Georgia
4 articles 5 photos 110 comments

Favorite Quote:
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. -David Henry Thoreau


Everything was black. Everything was pitch black. Then again, where she was stayed black at all times. She knew she was not alone; she was almost never alone. Where there were not voices or the soft scratching of a pencil, the constant beeping surrounded her. That beep, that steady beep haunted her day and night. She did not understand why. There was something condemning, mysterious, almost malicious about that beep, something wrong with it. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep, out, beep.
A familiar voice interrupted her thoughts, low, muffled. What was the voice saying? She could not make it out. It was important; she could feel it. She had to know what the voice was saying, needed to know. Should she say something? Could she say something? Speak up! She heard footsteps; one two three people. Mom? Dad? More mumbling. Was that a gasp? Mom! Someone was…crying? The footsteps were coming closer, the crying coming closer. What was going on? The talking was being drowned out by the beep, that terrible beeping. It was louder than it had been. She must find out what the voices were saying. Her breathe was growing shallow. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep, out, beep.
Someone was touching her hand. She tried to grasp it but her own hand refused to move. Mom! Nothing would move. What was happening? She screamed but nothing came out, no one could hear. She needed to hear them. She needed to be heard! And that beeping! Stop! It was growing louder still, enclosing her in its sound. She screamed again. Mom! Dad! Please here me! Please don’t cry! The hand left hers. They could not hear her. The footsteps receded; no one was speaking anymore, a door slammed. She was alone; she was alone with the beep. It was the only thing she knew, the only thing that mattered anymore; everything else was gone. Everything was black. Everything was pitch black. Breathe in, beep, breathe out, beep, in, beep…beep…beep…beep.


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This article has 37 comments.


on Feb. 12 2012 at 8:52 pm
HeyThereItsMe BRONZE, Prunedale, California
3 articles 0 photos 4 comments
Gave me chills. A round of applause to you. You gave us a sense of mystery and suspense, but also made it clear what was going on. Very well done! :)

on Oct. 3 2011 at 12:17 pm
TheSilverLaurel GOLD, Goole, Other
13 articles 0 photos 70 comments

A. MA. ZING.

'nuff said


on Nov. 3 2010 at 10:36 am
vampiresrock GOLD, Cornish, New Hampshire
12 articles 0 photos 92 comments

Favorite Quote:
When life gives you oranges, make grape juice and sit back and let the world wounder how the hell you just did that.

Veeeeerrrry niiiiiice!

 


SageSin GOLD said...
on Aug. 27 2010 at 10:11 am
SageSin GOLD, Oaklawn, Illinois
11 articles 0 photos 63 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Accept everything about yourself. I mean everything. You are you, and that is the beginning and the end; No apologies, no regrets."

I love that you don't neccasrly teel me that she is in a certain situation,but i have a guess is she in a coma? I'm verry interested there is a few grammer errors. I like beep as the title its a great idea to have  the beep haunting her. Did this come from personal experiecne? It sure felt like it! I'll facvorite and recommed! ///,...,^ fang says HI!

on Jul. 8 2010 at 9:30 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1754 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

This was wonderful!  I love the suspense and the mystery, although you figure out that she's in the coma.  Very well-written, you can feel the strong emotions and desperation.  Excellent job.

on Jun. 29 2010 at 9:47 am
MayaElyashiv PLATINUM, Ramat Hasharon, Other
37 articles 4 photos 196 comments
I love how it's so mysterious, yet the reader immediately knows what's happening to her and where she is. It does need some work, but nothing I can point to, and nothing critical.

on Jun. 28 2010 at 11:09 am
Shoka_no_sanraizu SILVER, Huntington, Indiana
5 articles 0 photos 25 comments
Wow! I loved it. I mean there is a little repeat in ceratin words that you may want to fix later on. But no is perfect I even repeat words too many times. But I loved it keep writing.

on Jun. 24 2010 at 4:52 pm
taylorf463 GOLD, Marion, Kentucky
13 articles 0 photos 152 comments

Favorite Quote:
If he'll lie for you, he'll lie to you.

An ending was an ending. No matter how many pages of sentences and paragraphs of great stories let up to it, it would always had the last word.

I agree. Nice.

on Jun. 24 2010 at 3:44 am
Megaphone1927 SILVER, The Tardis, Tennessee
6 articles 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't peer into the shadows, you won't see the ghosts."-Flora Segunda

Hmmm, this is really good! I knew from the very beginning that she was in a Coma, and I liked how it was so mysterious, it leaves you feeling exactly as she does.

deka9 said...
on Jun. 23 2010 at 3:52 am

I agree that this style of writing is certainly reminding me of Poe. Very well done, Roxy! I love it! It keeps me on my toe. I actually did several sentences in Who Am I? ch. 2 wondering what the patient was doing besides being in a coma :) Hahaha, I'm still waiting for the editor's approval. Anyways, I didn't really care about your grammar because the storyline was so good that it just sucked me in. I agree with other people as well that this big paragraph should definitely divided into smaller paragraphs to add on to the suspense. And, please write more!!! I love it!! This story definitely deserves a 5-star rated :D

P.S. I think I actually was holding my breath at one point near the end after the person who touched her hand left :'i


MitchB. SILVER said...
on Jun. 22 2010 at 12:18 am
MitchB. SILVER, Lol, Florida
9 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
"just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly"

you have to write the rest!!!!!!!!im so hooked to it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

toflyaway said...
on Jun. 17 2010 at 2:50 am
toflyaway, Melbourne, Other
0 articles 0 photos 85 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You're Bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret, all the best people are" -Alice In Wonderland (2010)

I loved how you kept everything so sublte but descriptive, I slowly realised where she was and it was great! The way everything just kind of leads to the realisation about where she is and why she's feeling the way she does! I'd really love to hear more:)

on Jun. 13 2010 at 8:30 am
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

Really good! it kept me haning and and also hooked me with the first sentence!!! Great Job!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on Jun. 12 2010 at 9:58 am
Sketched97 PLATINUM, Silver Spring, Maryland
31 articles 4 photos 168 comments
good job! I thought the ending was intense.

on Jun. 12 2010 at 8:29 am
Caitlyn_ilovesoftball GOLD, Douds, Iowa
15 articles 9 photos 105 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Hello Cat-i-lynn Mill-ard-o," -friends
"Stop saying that!! My name ain't Cat-i-lynn Mill-ard-o!!" -Me
"Okay, fine, Hello Cat."-friends
(GRRRRR)
----Also----
"You a turtle on steroids!"-friends
"Hahaha, I know" -ME

Amazing.  I liked it, very good.  But what happen to her to be in this situation 

on Jun. 8 2010 at 10:54 pm
WhiteRabbit BRONZE, Chicago, Illinois
3 articles 2 photos 80 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Why do we fall sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." -Batman Begins

ok first of all that was really good, though there were some grammer mistakes I really look at content and what it says more than grammar, and if I were I english teacher I would give this either a B+ or  a A-.  I love how it's ominous but gives you small clues about whats going on, I totally like this. It's like a cliffhanger but not really, it doesn't tell you exactly where the person is or why their there but thats the point it's not a story that takes places in the real world, its one that takes place from a different place that is unknown to anyone but the author who happens to be you, and the way you wrote this is perfect from my opinion.

on Jun. 8 2010 at 10:07 am
roxymutt BRONZE, Marietta, Georgia
4 articles 5 photos 110 comments

Favorite Quote:
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. -David Henry Thoreau

hey haha well thanks so much...i want really planning on giving a background on why she was in a coma i could have done a flashback i guess but i dont know how much it would have really added to the story...thank you again for reading

EmmaNemma GOLD said...
on Jun. 8 2010 at 5:24 am
EmmaNemma GOLD, The Shire, Vermont
10 articles 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you think you are a hypochondriac by definition aren't you?

You commented on some of my stuff so I decided to see how good you were at writing. This is a really good piece. Are you going to tell us why she's like that? I have some theories about it but I'd like to know what you were thinking. Keep it up!

on Jun. 8 2010 at 12:50 am
J.Octavian.R SILVER, Lake Nebagamon, Wisconsin
5 articles 0 photos 25 comments

Favorite Quote:
A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.
C. S. Lewis

This really did have a tinge of Poe to it. I think that Poe uses a lot more long, metaphorical descriptions and a lot more expansive vocabulary. But the general rhythm and descriptions of emotion are remarkably similar.

on Jun. 7 2010 at 7:03 pm
Imaginedangerous PLATINUM, Riverton, Utah
31 articles 0 photos 404 comments

It was very exciting and I loved the idea. One or two issues, though.

1. Is she confused about how she got there? Or does she remember what happened? You don't nescessarily need to let the readers know what happened, just clue us in on what she knows about her situation.

2. Your paragraphs are a little long and hard to read. They could be broken up into smaller sections.

3. It should be, "Mom! Dad! Please hear me!" not "here me".

Other than that, good job.

P.S. I read through the comments, and your third sentance is fine the way it is. All the time flows better, but both ways are correct.



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