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I shook my head and cocked it to the side. I groaned and pulled the covers over my head, only to make me feel trapped and sweaty. It was too quiet...

I lifted up my head from over the covers, and I sighed when I stared across my empty bedroom. The walls seemed to be an eerie blue, and my gasps came out in a hushed echo. It was only 9:00 pm. My parents were usually awake watching T.V or just listening to the radio, but this night was different. I could not hear ANYTHING.

Suddenly, I heard a voice that I did not recognize. The door was an inch open, but it was suddenly pushed full open, revealing a long silhouette that creeped on the bedroom door. I gasped and slowly slipped under the covers, trying to be unnoticable. Then, the blurry image seemed to crawl toward me, and I could finally see who this person was.



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BeautylovesBeast said...
Oct. 30, 2013 at 12:43 pm:
It is a pretty short story but it is a really good story good job.
 
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leo50 said...
Oct. 25, 2012 at 8:32 am:
it's short. but it's good and the story should have more. it shold have more suspense
 
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smurf1128 said...
Aug. 20, 2012 at 10:31 pm:
I loved it! I really wanna find out who the person is. pleez don't make it a vampire. I'm getting kinda tired of vampire stories. Unless u can make it an amazing vampire story then go ahead. :P
 
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m.avelar said...
Apr. 10, 2012 at 12:40 pm:
That was really good  now i cant wait to read your story
 
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Slytherin said...
Mar. 19, 2012 at 3:33 pm:
lol you're so serious over a article. calm down. 
 
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Ayerhs said...
Feb. 26, 2012 at 10:09 am:
It's so short. A few more lines and description can give a good backround, and then you can plunge right into that sitch. The ending is perfectly mysterious. I give you four stars for that.
 
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Lilac said...
Feb. 4, 2012 at 3:26 pm:
Pretty good. My suggestion to you would be to be a little more descriptive and add more information. Other than that, you're good!
 
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aphids77 said...
Jan. 13, 2012 at 5:47 pm:
Eh, it's alright. You need to rephrase a couple of lines like when the door opens. "I tried to be unnoticed" isn't working. It would make me want to read more if it had more description, and somehow had personal objects from the narrator described in the room. Describe the voice. Show, don't tell.
 
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rachie-lou-whoThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Nov. 8, 2011 at 4:55 pm:
This is absolutely chilling. I would REALLY wish to read more on it! :D
 
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HoneybeeFiction said...
Nov. 8, 2011 at 3:01 pm:

I like the description in the beginning, it was well done. The only suggestion would be to add some more information on the character (age, ect.). That would really make me have emotions for him/her and be more worried about the outcome of the story. But, at the end your story really left me wanting more. Good work! :)

I just posted my first story to this site the other day and it also has a kindof creepy feel to it. If you could take a look at it and give me some feedback I'd rea... (more »)

 
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emilybwrites said...
Aug. 12, 2011 at 9:22 pm:
what a cliffhanger! please promise me you will write more on this subject because i want to know who it is!! please check out my peom "Forgotten Domain" and some of my other work and comment it would mean a lot!!!
 
_Zavery_This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 14, 2011 at 4:07 pm :
Thanks!   And I just commented on your piece, I honestly love it!   X)
 
monkeyfaceThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Sept. 25, 2011 at 12:25 pm :
this is sooo totally amazing
 
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4everyoung15 said...
Jul. 21, 2011 at 11:04 am:

I like the way you create suspense, and I think what would help is if you would add a bit more or make a sequal and explain things like why the gohst is there or why it came to the main character. I personally would make the "figure" a demon coming to posses a soul. >XD ..... but that's just me

 

 
_Zavery_This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 14, 2011 at 4:09 pm :
Thanks for the critisism.   =)   This isn't a full piece, just a bit that I wanted feedback on in my writing style or the way I grab suspense. And demon stories are awesome!   XD
 
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KafyraThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 29, 2011 at 1:46 pm:
I understand that you dislike the grammar, but maybe it would be more helpful do describe which particular sentences weren't correct and how to fix them. That way, the writer could actually improve thanks to your comment. Also, just because you dislike a certain person's writing does not mean that you should call the writer stupid. This writing is a good deal better than most of mine.
 
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emilybwrites said...
Aug. 12, 2011 at 9:24 pm:
haters are going to hate but that was uncalled for! this was fantastic and had me on the edge of my chair. in the future, if you are going to write comments like that, please do us all a favor and don't.
 
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_Zavery_This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 14, 2011 at 4:03 pm:
Thanks, you Teeninkers are awesome. I probably won't be posting this story, but this is my new profile, and I will be posting a novella soon. Check it out!   =)
 
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Guinn said...
Mar. 30, 2011 at 7:03 pm:
Loved it you had me hooked from the first three words. You really need to keep going. Oh and I read some of the comments, looks like your having trouble with who the ghost is. (Hey maybe I can help when I get some ideas). Oh and do you think you could read some of my articles? It's called My Horriod Past.
 
_Zavery_This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 14, 2011 at 4:11 pm :

Thanks.   =)   Personally, I don't think I will continue on this, but I will  post a novella some time soon on my new profile (yes, the one I'm on now). You can check that out once it's posted if you want.

And I'll check your piece out right now.   =))))

 
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