thriller night

September 24, 2009
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It was a cold night, family watching a movie in the living room. I’m in my room reading a book. The lights go off, I hear a scream. I go to the living room and see a outline of a person. The lights turn back on, the person is gone along with my father. I go to see if there were any broken windows or unlocked doors, I found nothing. The family got scared, I went around the house again and still found nothing. My Grandmother went to the phone to call the police. As soon as she picked up the phone, it rang, a private caller was calling. I went to answer it.
“Meet me at the park, come alone.” Said the voice on phone and hanged up. I went to tell my family what the voice said and did what it said. I went to my dad’s room and went go get his revolver out of his drawer and head to the park. I saw the figure again and went towered it. I saw my father tied up. I came closer and saw that the man was the man on a wanted poster. I went to pull out the revolver, it wasn’t there. I looked at the man and saw he had it in his hand pointing at me.
“Smart kid, too bad you weren’t smart enough” he said, as he pulled the trigger, he found out that it was empty and tried to run away. As soon as I saw him running I saw that we were surrounded by police. I saw my family with them. I went towed them and gave them a hug. When the man finally gave up, he ran towered my dad and stabbed him with a knife before he was captured. I ran to him and told him I was sorry that he went through all this. The paramedics came and rushed him to the hospital and within the next week, he was out and back on his feet watching movies with his family.

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pedderm said...
Oct. 23, 2009 at 5:14 am
Also, some of this didnt make sense, like when you said you went to tell your family about the voice and did what it said. It seems that you have put too many ideas in one sentence. If you seperated most of your sentence. i think it could run more smoothly.
pedderm said...
Oct. 23, 2009 at 5:06 am
The story has a good idea. Although, it has some mispelled words and tense shifting. Maybe you could put this into first person so that it makes it more fluent. Some of this confused me, like how the revolver magically went from his pocket to the stranger's hand.
LaylaViolet said...
Oct. 19, 2009 at 9:52 am
Spelling and grammer--check those. I like the overall story though. It was just to fast.
butterflym20 said...
Oct. 19, 2009 at 7:46 am
work on your spelling and grammar.
babrbestbcb said...
Oct. 16, 2009 at 8:23 pm
I think this was a good article but for me it was a little fast
dragonfan said...
Oct. 16, 2009 at 2:45 pm
this is good alittle more detail in the middle whold of been nice but outher than that it was great!
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