Water Lily

September 29, 2009
By WeetzieBat PLATINUM, Dallas, Texas
WeetzieBat PLATINUM, Dallas, Texas
35 articles 1 photo 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
"OW! Stop pulling my ear! THIS TIME I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!"


David cupped the soft water lily in his hand. The fragile, little lily, into his hand, but then...ever so gently, his hands broke apart, and the lily fell. It fell into the crystal clear pool of water that Kellie Hutchinson drowned herself in. The water lily sank deep into it, and instead of floating, as it should of, it drowned. It sank deep into the pool, unlike how it should have floated. Then slowly, it turned blood-red, and the water turned bloody, and dark.

I jolted awake. Sweat dripped down my whole body, and my sheets stuck to my thighs. I sighed, straightened up, and looked at my alarm clock. It was only 4:00 in the morning, I couldn't believe how horrible that nightmare had been. My best friend Kellie had killed herself, just a week ago.

David, Kellie, and me had been so close. She was always there for me, and then she killed herself. No one knew why, but I wish I had. She had just drowned herself one day, and sometimes I wish I could to... But David was always there for me. He convinced me not to kill myself, or hurt myself. Then I started having these nightmares. Horrible, dreadful, nightmares.

Like the one I just had. I got up, and strode over to the small cabinet that held my journal. The one I wrote in almost every day. Whether it be a bad daydream or a nightmare, it was always written down. It helped me deal with all this pain.

I recorded the nightmare, then padded back to my bed. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't of course. I pulled out my Samsung Touch and texted David. I knew he wouldn't respond, but I hoped he would anyways. The small windows in my room cast in the amber glow of the sun that had finally risen up. I must have lied in bed for two hours, because when I looked at my clock it said it was 6.

I got up, and pulled on some jeans and my yellow tank top. I smiled at my reflection in the mirror, and headed out the door. Grabbing a granola bar on the kitchen counter, I went outside and jogged over to my bike. It always took an hour to get to school from my house. I got on my bike and started pedaling. Then I started pedaling furiously, and then I was crashing, falling, hurting, and I saw the bike wheels spinning like crazy.

“Ugh...” I groaned, and then strong hands were lifting me up.

“You ok?” David asked me. I recognized his gravely voice, and smiled a bit at it.

“Haha...Yeah...You saw me?” I asked, dusting myself off and grabbing up my bike.

“Yeah. First you looked so calm, and you got all fast, and totally face-planted.” David said, smiling. His teeth were so white, and nice. I loved when he smiled at me...

“Well, uh...thanks for helping me up.” I said, and we both smiled at each other. I coughed and got back on my bike. “See ya at school!” I exclaimed and then pedaled off.

The day went by fairly well, but when I got home, and tried to sleep all I had were nightmares. At first they were just bad dreams, and then they became... horrid. I woke up screaming. Kellie should never have killed herself.

I got up, and wrote my nightmares into my journal. Then I walked outside, hopped over the fence that bordered Kellie's house, stripped off my clothing, and quietly dropped into the pool. I contemplated drowning myself, but stopped. And just floated, letting the water calm my body. I heard the subtle splash of water next to me. “Hello??” I called out. I was only in a bra and my underwear, I didn't need a creeper.

“It's just me...” A strong gravely voice called out. Slowly hands came around my torso.

“David...” I whispered feeling his hot breath on my neck.

“Did I ever mention how Kellie died?” He asked me, pulling my body up against me, so that we floated as one.

“No, how?” I asked, and listened to him breath.

“She was out here one night, cause' she couldn't sleep. She texted me to come over. Said she wanted me. She was in her bikini. She didn't kill herself, Lindsey. I killed her.” He said. I took a sharp intake of breath, and tried to kick away from him, but he held me to tightly. “Tsk, tsk, tsk, I thought you knew better than to run away when you know you can't.” David said, pushing up against me.

He was behaving as if he wanted to have me, but was going to kill me in the end. “When I saw you riding your bike... I just knew I needed to have you. To add you to my collection. Remember all those unsolved murders that have been popping up around the country? I've killed all those girls. I added them to my collection. You should be next.” He whispered in my ear. He started kissing my neck. I wanted to scream, but it seemed my voice was stuck in my throat. I kicked at him, and tried to get away.

“STOP IT!” He hissed, kicking the back of my legs and slowly ripping my knee out of its socket. I let out a moan, and went dead weight. He held me up, and started kissing me again. “I want you so bad Lindsey.” He whispered.

“Get away from me!!!” I muttered not kicking him, but trying to tread water away from him.

“Tell me you love me...” He whispered. Gently I did.... The end came anyways... I was his water lily. I made the water run red. David took a Swiss army knife to my throat, and cut it, slowly. “Goodbye, my love.” He had told me softly, right as I died. Now I was just another plaything to his collection.


The author's comments:
I don't really write lots of thrillers, and this is my first. So give me all the feedback you can...be brutal, Ill try not to feel hurt.

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This article has 46 comments.


Cuore GOLD said...
on Apr. 14 2010 at 5:45 pm
Cuore GOLD, Saint Augustine, Florida
12 articles 0 photos 33 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be the change you wish to see- Ghandi

Everything in this room is eatable, even I'm eatable, but that my dears is called cannibalism and is highly frowned upon in most societies.- Willy Wonka

Bright lights often blind those who can't see. ~

This is really good. It reminds me of the song 'Tyler' by The Toadies. You should listen to that song.

on Mar. 24 2010 at 10:57 am
WeetzieBat PLATINUM, Dallas, Texas
35 articles 1 photo 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
"OW! Stop pulling my ear! THIS TIME I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!"

Guuuuys, I've never read lovely bones or seen the movie. I just thought it sounded good. Sorry if it copied it *Shrug* didn't mean to copy. :( Sorry!

Sarbear GOLD said...
on Mar. 23 2010 at 1:09 pm
Sarbear GOLD, Milan, Ohio
10 articles 4 photos 489 comments

Favorite Quote:
--Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
--When life gives you lemons, squirt them in people's eyes.

that was so... lovely bones! the flower, and the copied ending paragraph. this was well written, though. i never expected david.. i mean, when he got in the water and started asking her if he'd ever told her how kelly died, then i knew but that was such a surprise!! good job, just try to make the piece your own, without copying another book

check out my work too:-)

Cece said...
on Mar. 1 2010 at 10:40 am
I liked te end... gently i did......

but i liked it better in the lovley bones copier!

iKaye BRONZE said...
on Feb. 19 2010 at 12:14 am
iKaye BRONZE, Lorette, Other
2 articles 9 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
1 Tim 4:12 Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

(Grad text)

I loved the first paragraph. Maybe instead of 'bloody and dark' something more like 'turned a deep scarlet color' or something more with color. I also thought the 'pool' was a natural water source, didn't catch on till the end that it was at her house. I didn't loooove the part where she was biking and 'suddenly went really fast', thats just -drama llama- to me. To set up. And whats he randomly doing there? Do they both go to the school?

Also, when it talks about telling her how she died, would she not know, as they are super close, their parents should talk- possibly- or at least to her. I would personally get suspicious if someone talked like that.

I did like it alot though! Good twist at the end. Keep writing!!

Carol BRONZE said...
on Jan. 18 2010 at 2:44 pm
Carol BRONZE, Weslaco, Texas
3 articles 1 photo 33 comments
Wow, that was great! It was such a twist, i didn't expect David to be the murderer. I seriously believed she commited suicide, hmm maybe i'm too trusting. Anyway, keep up the great writing! :)

on Dec. 25 2009 at 8:54 pm
CanYouSeeTheCrazy PLATINUM, Cle Elum, Washington
21 articles 0 photos 125 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I know why everyone in this world is so desperate to find love."
"Oh yeah? Why then?"
"Because, it's the closest thing we have to magic."

this was really deep, very descriptive, good details, it had a teen feeling, and it was suspenseful, horrid, and a touch of fake scary, perfect for a thriller. good job on it, i want to hear more on this storyline too.

on Dec. 25 2009 at 5:14 pm
Darkchloe14 BRONZE, Memphis, Tennessee
1 article 0 photos 25 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be Strong"

That was so messed up. Talk about being the victim! I loved it.

on Dec. 3 2009 at 4:56 pm
vampiresrock GOLD, Cornish, New Hampshire
12 articles 0 photos 92 comments

Favorite Quote:
When life gives you oranges, make grape juice and sit back and let the world wounder how the hell you just did that.

Wow! That gave me goosbumps! not an easy thing to do! good job!

MadHater said...
on Nov. 30 2009 at 12:41 am
MadHater, Trophy Club, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 71 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
-Abraham Lincoln

or

"The price of success is responsibility."
-Winston Churchill

aww.... at first i so wanted david to end up with her/you.... but....

thats really good!!! totally unexpected!! XD u did a great job!!!

kewl_critic said...
on Nov. 18 2009 at 7:30 pm
No, dont make it a novel. it one of those stories that fits better as a short story. you should defidently add more detail about David, but i absolutely love the ending.

on Nov. 11 2009 at 12:01 pm
CBarber89 BRONZE, Crwley, Texas
2 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Sick of trying, Tired of crying, Yeah I'm smiling but inside I'm dying."

I Love this story. It is amazing!!!

brianj BRONZE said...
on Oct. 22 2009 at 4:54 pm
brianj BRONZE, Jeannette, Pennsylvania
3 articles 10 photos 54 comments

Favorite Quote:
"the real trouble with reality is that there's no background music"
"i don't suffer from insanity. i enjoy every minute of it."
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?” -Marianne Williamson. Trying so hard to believe this but SO not succeeding…..

Normally, thrillers just are not my thing. I stray on my normal path like a little kid heading to kindergarten. Today, I just so happened to stumble into the thriller/mystery section and found, to my delight, a thriller that actually left chills on my spine. The middle spun wildly into the realm of the quaint and ordinary, like something you would read in a fiction piece. However, the beginning was a creative work of art that only made sense once I read the final part of the selection. It was a real attention grabber, which I congratulate you on. I mean, who isn't interested in a piece that begins with, "David cupped the soft water lilly in his hand..."? Also, the end was a real surprise that jolts your feelings, haunting and beautiful. Although, I think that you could probably improve on your description. An interesting topic is one thing (which you have), but details are a whole new matter. For example, you could put in some figurative language at the end to paint a picture in the reader's mind of just how the blood spread in the water after he killed her. Overall, this was a great thriller that had a spind-tingling and attention-grabbing topic. Keep up the good work!

on Oct. 18 2009 at 8:54 pm
StandardToaster PLATINUM, Pasadena, California
20 articles 0 photos 210 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy ever minute of it."

wow this is scary! i love it tho good job!

on Oct. 18 2009 at 6:03 pm
LoveLikeWoe DIAMOND, LeSueur, MN, Minnesota
54 articles 2 photos 748 comments

Favorite Quote:
Whoever laughs first has the sickest mind.

rrreally scary. but you need a faster plot at the beginning. excuse my critisism. but maybe you could make it more mysterious. have this ending be in the VERY ending of a really long book?

on Oct. 15 2009 at 9:44 pm
Fantastic! I envy the way you captured the horror of David's monstrous heart in such a novel way. If you changed this story into third person, keep the section you got, and continue writing about David's evil ways into a novel, I guarantee you'll sell out. I know I would read it! Good job!

on Oct. 15 2009 at 3:09 pm
SilverAngel777 BRONZE, Three Rivers, Texas
4 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Take life as it comes. Run when you have to, fight when you must, rest when you can."
-Elyas Machera, The Wheel of Time, By Robert Jordan

wow.... that ending was.....unexpected .....wow, that's a little freaky, i loved it!

on Oct. 15 2009 at 10:53 am
Lovebeingloved SILVER, Yucca Valley, California
6 articles 0 photos 8 comments
oh my goodness!! that was awesome! Great job!!=D

on Oct. 13 2009 at 11:37 am
dragonfan SILVER, Arcidia, Indiana
9 articles 1 photo 213 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Death truly makes an artist"

AMAZING! I love it! I hope you write more!!!!!! =D

TigerLynn GOLD said...
on Oct. 11 2009 at 3:34 pm
TigerLynn GOLD, Maysville, Kentucky
10 articles 0 photos 111 comments

Favorite Quote:
"She walks in beauty,
Like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes."
--Byron

I like this story keep writing


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