paul and alice

as alice looked out the window the silence in the car killed her mood. She is really excited about returning to her home town in New Jersey she brushed her fingers against her light brown hair and saw the six carat diamond engagement ring resting on her hand looking over to her left seeing paul who was driving his blonde hair flipped over as the sunlight hit his pale hazel eyes made him look even more beautiful . He always smirked even if he was angry when he did something bad or lied he would always laugh those who knew him always heard him laugh "Alice?"said paul looking straight at the road "yea"replied Alice looking at him curiously seeing how his brow creased when he was serious "are you excited about telling your parents?" he said nervously Alice smiled paul had proposed six months ago. They knew each other since they were kids as years passed they grew closer they were room mates in college "yea i am" said alice as the excitement grew they drove for hours in silence it seemed like an eternity paul took the exit out of the road and started driving toward town. Minutes passed Mr. Sterling's ice cream shop , Paul would sweep the floor every sunday after church and Mr. Sterling would give him ice cream Alice looked at Paul anxiously "stop!!! Paul stop!!!" screamed alice Paul pulled over Alice jumped out and ran passed Mr. and Mrs. Barker's pharmacy taking a turn on main street the trees leafs swayed in the breeze and stood in front of bridal shop owned by Mrs. Iero she opened the door walking inside "hello? Mrs. Iero ?"said alice the silence grew a noise came from the back of the storage room Alice walked slowly and catiously a figure in darkness walked toward Alice panic grew inside of Alice "please don hurt me!"screamed Alice lifting her hands out as if to protect her self a woman about sixty stood in front of Alice ''Alice is that you ?" said the woman "Mrs. Iero!"exclaimed Alice smiling looking around "i came to ask you if you could make my wedding dress the wedding is six months from now" said Alice smiled big blushing "oh Alice! that is wonderful news. who are you getting married to?"asked Mrs. Iero "i am marrying Paul Adams!!!" exclaimed Alice feeling absolutely wonderful like floating in air Mrs. Iero started taking Alice's measurements for the wedding dress Mrs. Iero looked at the clock getting her purse in a hurry grabbing Alice's hand pushing her out the door closing the shop "Alice dear listen to me, go some where safe where those beings cant harm you. go to parents house and do not come out at night at all" said Mrs. Iero getting in to her car driving away Alice stood in the middle of the side walk noticing that there wasn't any one doing shopping or children playing eating ice cream she walked back to look for Paul staring at her feet she bumped in to something Alice screamed as loud as she could some one held her back "ALICE ALICE !!!!STOP!!" it was Paul he wrapped his arms around her "oh paul what is going on? Mrs. Iero kicked me out of her warning me to stay inside at night because the evil things will kill me!!" Alice screamed at Paul they got in to the car and headed to Alice's parents house when they got there it was already night paul got the suitcases out Alice knocked on the door but no one anwsered "MOM DAD!!!!!OPEN THE DOOR!! NOW!!!" screamed Alice but only silence replied .....

to be continued





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This article has 26 comments. Post your own now!

Gecko said...
Oct. 23, 2012 at 5:56 pm
I think this story was really good, but I found myself scanning over parts because I couldn't concentrate with no periods, paragraphs, or capitilization. I think that you could do great if you worked on that, but other than your punctuation and grammatical errors, I think that this piece was really interesting. You have to understand that while the style of your writing is important, so is punctuation and all that. It helps your reader follow along better.
 
Alice-Love said...
May 22, 2012 at 4:17 pm
Please continue soon!!! its really good
 
hit.the.books. said...
Dec. 20, 2011 at 9:03 pm
and also work on your sentence structure, it would make the story more exciting.
 
hit.the.books. said...
Dec. 20, 2011 at 9:02 pm
the plot is very good, and i love the cliff hanger at the end. as a suggestion though u should work on your grammer and puntutaion
 
urmink replied...
Apr. 30, 2012 at 12:36 pm
"grammar and punctuatation"
 
ThePenHolder317 said...
Oct. 15, 2011 at 5:56 pm
Pretty good. Needs more capitalization and punctuation though. It seems like it skipped a big chunk of the story though.
 
peaceluvmusic said...
Feb. 15, 2011 at 9:01 pm
I understand your plot but if you added more punctuation and reall got more in depth about the evil being s it would make your story better. I liked it though.
 
Annerdy said...
Jan. 13, 2011 at 9:41 pm
No offense, I mean, I see where you were trying to go with the story. I wasn't really a fan of the run-on sentences and lack of punctuation, but ideas are important and I guess your storyline wasn't that bad. Maybe just some proofreading here and there and I'd be happy to read your other work. (:
 
ranti h said...
Nov. 19, 2010 at 9:09 am

as alice looked out the window the silence in the car killed her mood. She is really excited about returning to her home town in New Jersey she brushed her fingers against her light brown hair and saw the six carat diamond engagement ring resting on her hand looking over to her left seeing paul who was driving his blonde hair flipped over as the sunlight hit his pale hazel eyes made him look even more beautiful . He always smirked even if he was angry when he did something bad or lied he woul... (more »)

 
madm0e replied...
Nov. 19, 2010 at 9:40 am
I liked the story, and I liked the cliff ending. Don't want to be a grammar freak but just use periods. Reading run-on stories are weird.
 
Ranti H said...
Nov. 19, 2010 at 9:07 am
no pUnctuation
 
cheer1018 said...
Sept. 14, 2010 at 7:23 am
i really enjoyed reading this story and i cant wait to read the ending! It was a little confusing to read because the sentences seemed really long but other than that keep writing because your stories are very interesting.
 
Blue4 said...
Aug. 23, 2010 at 11:07 am

I like the story, it is very interesting. But, there were quite a few gramatical errors which made the story a bit difficult to read. In addition, I was confused by some of the parts in the story. For example, why was Alice all of a sudden afraid of evil beings? The story also seems to jump from past to present without any transitions.

The story was an enjoyable read, and I look forward to reading the rest.

By the way, would you look at some of my stories, rate, and critisize? I... (more »)

 
brainiac said...
Jun. 18, 2010 at 9:23 pm
No offense, but I'm a little confused. What are the "evil beings"? Not at all bad, though.
 
smileysdeadvalentine replied...
Aug. 6, 2010 at 7:49 pm
evil beings. vampires
 
soccercrazy said...
Jun. 1, 2010 at 6:39 pm
there are a lot of run-on sentences. it makes a little confusing sometimes.
 
D31DR@ said...
May 27, 2010 at 8:33 pm
that was awsome i cannot wait for you to finish it (:
 
vampiresrock said...
Apr. 13, 2010 at 7:47 pm

good...you have a few errors, but other than that, very good and Kudos! :)

 

 
ohh_its_manda said...
Dec. 29, 2009 at 8:46 pm
i ike it. add periods. some are run ons.
 
UnspokenLove said...
Nov. 10, 2009 at 2:26 pm
you spelled a few things wrong and you had punctuation errors but it was well thought out and i loved it. :D
 
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