Descriptive Writing Exercise

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Tommy turns out the lights for bed in a good mood, after watching his favorite shows, Jay Leno, but his mood would soon change. He hears something rustling in the kitchen and glances at the clock. Its 1:30 a.m. He slowly gets out of bed and heads to examine the mysterious noises. The floor boards creak as he walks toward the stairs. He flips the switch on and the light bulb fills the hall with light and then suddenly the power goes out.

While Tommy walks down the stairs, he notices a cat’s skull lying in the living room floor. He leans over to pick up the skull and smells thick smoke and gunpowder. He looks around the room and spots a midget in platform shoes, a leisure suit, wearing a cobra medallion. The midget turns around and Tommy can tell by the devil black eyes its Dalton the evil one. In a deep gravely voice, altered by a voice changer, he says, “Where’s my money Tommy?” “I have no idea of what you’re speaking of”, said Tommy. Instead of replying the midget tackles Tommy to the floor and begins to restrain him to a dining room chair.
He moves into the kitchen and grabs a dish towel from the counter and a pitcher of water, and heads back to the living room. He drapes the towel over Tommy’s head and slowly leans back the chair and begins to pour water on his face (also known as water boarding). “Where is the money Tommy?” Dalton shouted. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Tommy responded. “Final answer?” but before Tommy gets a chance to speak the midget grabs a set of pliers from his pocket and begins to slowly pull Tommy’s nails out of his hands and feet. He walks into the basement and comes back with some rope and some deep sea hooks. He ties one end of the rope to the rafters and puts a hook on the other end, and repeats this process until he has 15 hooks hanging from ceiling. Dalton pulls Tommy under the hooks and slowly unties him and begins to slide the thick hooks through Tommy’s rough tanned skin, the hooks slide through the skin like a knife with warm butter. As Tommy shouts out in pain, the midget only laughs as he goes into the kitchen and grabs the blender. Dalton turns on the blender and slowly slips Tommy’s toes into the blender, “Are you sure you don’t know where that money could be? Mwahahahaha,” “NO GO AWAY! STOP! PLEASE! IT HURTS!” As Tommy’s toes are mutilated, the midget covers his eyes as blood and bits of bone splatter over the walls. The white wallpaper is almost immediately stained crimson red as blood splatters and slides down the wall. He picks up the now blood covered pliers and moves towards Tommy’s head. “Are you certain you don’t know where the money is?” and immediately he grabs hold of Tommy’s teeth and begins to rip Tommy’s teeth out of his gums. As Tommy shouts out in pain, the midget laughs loud and sinisterly as he pulls out the teeth and puts them inside of the blender so that they will be crushed together with his toes. The midget holds up the blender admiring the velvet red creation, he smiles as he forces Tommy to drink the scarlet mixture comprised of his toes and teeth. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash, “It was nice doing business with you. I found the money under the kitchen sink, but decided to have some fun while I was here.” Dalton walks out of the house leaving Tommy hanging from the ceiling. As Dalton walks out the door he hears Tommy yelling, “No wait, come back, please I’m begging, GET ME DOWN!”

Furthermore, for Tommy the story ends with a horrific ending but Dalton gets what he wants out of the deal and a little more. Eventually Tommy goes back to his old ways. He finds himself in a bind again but this time he doesn’t get so lucky. He loses his money plus whatever life he had left! Moral of the story, watch out for ripped off midgets.





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BrynaJo said...
Jan. 3, 2012 at 10:27 pm
This actually made my toes, mouth, and fingers get all tingly. Especially my toes. I'm positive my jaw dropped at least twice, and I had to stop reading a few times to compose myself, but all in all, this was AWESOME!
 
whateverjuliet said...
Mar. 1, 2011 at 7:57 pm
his was really good and descriptive! i really liked the moral!!
 
Snickers2528 said...
Jan. 15, 2011 at 8:05 pm

 Tommy turns out the lights for bed in a good mood, after watching his favorite shows, Jay Leno, but his mood would soon change.------don’t you mean one of his favorite shows?

 

He flips the switch on and the light bulb fills the hall with light and then suddenly the power goes out.-----you used light twice in this sentence. Change ‘fills the hall with light’ to ‘the darkness of the room replaced with illumination’ or someth... (more »)

 
IluvJesus replied...
Jun. 19, 2011 at 6:47 pm
Wow. That's some very specific and critical feedback. I'm sure you probably are a person who pays alot of attention to detail. But instead of pointing out every little mistake, maybe just tell Chris to work on his wording. Pointing out every awkward wording sometimes gets a little intimidating to some people. Not all, but some.
 
tomtamtimmy This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 24, 2010 at 4:20 am
make a different version of the story where the midget gets kicked in the face!
 
Chris replied...
Nov. 19, 2010 at 10:44 am
Haha I may just do that, thanks for the post haha
 
Chris said...
Sept. 24, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Thanks for the advice and yes at my school we to are tought to be grammar police but the cat skull had nothing to do wit ther story but i am a very random guy haha
 
arrowed_rain said...
Sept. 21, 2009 at 7:25 pm
If you could have seen my expressions reading your descriptive(ohyesyesDESCRIPTIVE!!) story, I think you would have laughed. (they went more along the lines of 'whoa!' 'what?!' 'whooooaaa!')
Anyway, if you wanted some...advice...*strokes chin* I guess I would advise you to pay attenition to how others speak, and then have your characters (with perhapes a few exceptions) speak normally. I think that you did a pretty good job doing that over all, but when Tom... (more »)
 
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