Descriptive Writing Exercise

September 9, 2009
By Chris BRONZE, Mars Hill, North Carolina
Chris BRONZE, Mars Hill, North Carolina
4 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Tommy turns out the lights for bed in a good mood, after watching his favorite shows, Jay Leno, but his mood would soon change. He hears something rustling in the kitchen and glances at the clock. Its 1:30 a.m. He slowly gets out of bed and heads to examine the mysterious noises. The floor boards creak as he walks toward the stairs. He flips the switch on and the light bulb fills the hall with light and then suddenly the power goes out.

While Tommy walks down the stairs, he notices a cat’s skull lying in the living room floor. He leans over to pick up the skull and smells thick smoke and gunpowder. He looks around the room and spots a midget in platform shoes, a leisure suit, wearing a cobra medallion. The midget turns around and Tommy can tell by the devil black eyes its Dalton the evil one. In a deep gravely voice, altered by a voice changer, he says, “Where’s my money Tommy?” “I have no idea of what you’re speaking of”, said Tommy. Instead of replying the midget tackles Tommy to the floor and begins to restrain him to a dining room chair.
He moves into the kitchen and grabs a dish towel from the counter and a pitcher of water, and heads back to the living room. He drapes the towel over Tommy’s head and slowly leans back the chair and begins to pour water on his face (also known as water boarding). “Where is the money Tommy?” Dalton shouted. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Tommy responded. “Final answer?” but before Tommy gets a chance to speak the midget grabs a set of pliers from his pocket and begins to slowly pull Tommy’s nails out of his hands and feet. He walks into the basement and comes back with some rope and some deep sea hooks. He ties one end of the rope to the rafters and puts a hook on the other end, and repeats this process until he has 15 hooks hanging from ceiling. Dalton pulls Tommy under the hooks and slowly unties him and begins to slide the thick hooks through Tommy’s rough tanned skin, the hooks slide through the skin like a knife with warm butter. As Tommy shouts out in pain, the midget only laughs as he goes into the kitchen and grabs the blender. Dalton turns on the blender and slowly slips Tommy’s toes into the blender, “Are you sure you don’t know where that money could be? Mwahahahaha,” “NO GO AWAY! STOP! PLEASE! IT HURTS!” As Tommy’s toes are mutilated, the midget covers his eyes as blood and bits of bone splatter over the walls. The white wallpaper is almost immediately stained crimson red as blood splatters and slides down the wall. He picks up the now blood covered pliers and moves towards Tommy’s head. “Are you certain you don’t know where the money is?” and immediately he grabs hold of Tommy’s teeth and begins to rip Tommy’s teeth out of his gums. As Tommy shouts out in pain, the midget laughs loud and sinisterly as he pulls out the teeth and puts them inside of the blender so that they will be crushed together with his toes. The midget holds up the blender admiring the velvet red creation, he smiles as he forces Tommy to drink the scarlet mixture comprised of his toes and teeth. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash, “It was nice doing business with you. I found the money under the kitchen sink, but decided to have some fun while I was here.” Dalton walks out of the house leaving Tommy hanging from the ceiling. As Dalton walks out the door he hears Tommy yelling, “No wait, come back, please I’m begging, GET ME DOWN!”

Furthermore, for Tommy the story ends with a horrific ending but Dalton gets what he wants out of the deal and a little more. Eventually Tommy goes back to his old ways. He finds himself in a bind again but this time he doesn’t get so lucky. He loses his money plus whatever life he had left! Moral of the story, watch out for ripped off midgets.


The author's comments:
It was an assignment that i got for a class. Hope you enjoy. Give me any feed back on ways that i can improve the story or my writing

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This article has 8 comments.


on Jan. 3 2012 at 10:27 pm
CrazyGirl01 SILVER, Gibbon, Minnesota
7 articles 2 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." ~Albus Dumbledore

This actually made my toes, mouth, and fingers get all tingly. Especially my toes. I'm positive my jaw dropped at least twice, and I had to stop reading a few times to compose myself, but all in all, this was AWESOME!

on Jun. 19 2011 at 6:47 pm
IluvJesus BRONZE, Stone Mountain, Georgia
1 article 0 photos 13 comments
Wow. That's some very specific and critical feedback. I'm sure you probably are a person who pays alot of attention to detail. But instead of pointing out every little mistake, maybe just tell Chris to work on his wording. Pointing out every awkward wording sometimes gets a little intimidating to some people. Not all, but some.

on Mar. 1 2011 at 7:57 pm
whateverjuliet BRONZE, Miami, Florida
3 articles 3 photos 89 comments

Favorite Quote:
true love never dies,it only gets stronger with time.

his was really good and descriptive! i really liked the moral!!

on Jan. 15 2011 at 8:05 pm
Snickers2528 SILVER, Erie, Pennsylvania
5 articles 1 photo 4 comments

 Tommy turns out the lights for bed in a good mood, after watching his favorite shows, Jay Leno, but his mood would soon change.------don’t you mean one of his favorite shows?

 

He flips the switch on and the light bulb fills the hall with light and then suddenly the power goes out.-----you used light twice in this sentence. Change ‘fills the hall with light’ to ‘the darkness of the room replaced with illumination’ or something along those lines. Change this sentence to: He flips the switch on, bright illumination replaces the darkness of the room. But, suddenly, the power goes out.—you don’t have to write it exactly like that, do whatever you like.

 

In a deep gravely voice, altered by a voice changer, he says, “Where’s my money Tommy?”-----change gravely to grave and put a comma after deep.

 

“I have no idea of what you’re speaking of”, said Tommy----put the comma right after of. Also change said to says because said is past tense.

 

Instead of replying the midget tackles Tommy to the floor and begins to restrain him to a dining room chair.--------comma after replying

 

He moves into the kitchen and grabs a dish towel from the counter and a pitcher of water, and heads back to the living room.------you said the word and too much.

 

He drapes the towel over Tommy’s head and slowly leans back the chair and begins to pour water on his face---you said the word and too much. Change this to: He drapes the towel over Tommy’s head, slowly leans back in his chair, and begins to pour water on his face.

 

but before Tommy gets a chance to speak the midget grabs a set of pliers from his pocket and begins to slowly pull Tommy’s nails out of his hands and feet.-----capitalize b in but and put a comma after speak. Also you didn’t say that Tommy was screaming or anything at this part of the story. You should have described his thoughts and his actions and what he was saying!

 

Dalton walks out of the house leaving Tommy hanging from the ceiling.------comma after house.

 

The midget holds up the blender admiring the velvet red creation, he smiles as he forces Tommy to drink the scarlet mixture comprised of his toes and teeth.------comma after blender

 

 

Furthermore, for Tommy the story ends with a horrific ending but Dalton gets what he wants out of the deal and a little more.--------Change the to this and put a comma after ending. Also, I recommend you change ending to conclusion.

 

He finds himself in a bind again but this time he doesn’t get so lucky.------comma after again

 

Moral of the story, watch out for ripped off midgets. -----Moral of the story: watch out for ripped off midgets

 

I felt like I was about to throw up when the midget dude is torturing Tommy, so… good job haha! There’s a few grammatical errors, and I think I missed some because I skipped a couple sections that described the torture the midget put Tommy through, because it sounded so gruesome :P But overall good job!!:)

 

Oh, and if you like, could you read over this story I wrote called Vinny Tucker?? It would be really awesome if you could, because I absolutely LOVE feedback!!:D


Chris BRONZE said...
on Nov. 19 2010 at 10:44 am
Chris BRONZE, Mars Hill, North Carolina
4 articles 0 photos 6 comments
Haha I may just do that, thanks for the post haha

on Sep. 24 2010 at 4:20 am
tomtamtimmy GOLD, Sydney, Other
17 articles 0 photos 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
you don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have

make a different version of the story where the midget gets kicked in the face!

Chris BRONZE said...
on Sep. 24 2009 at 3:50 pm
Chris BRONZE, Mars Hill, North Carolina
4 articles 0 photos 6 comments
Thanks for the advice and yes at my school we to are tought to be grammar police but the cat skull had nothing to do wit ther story but i am a very random guy haha

on Sep. 21 2009 at 7:25 pm
a_bunch_of_nuns, Unknown, Wisconsin
0 articles 6 photos 78 comments
If you could have seen my expressions reading your descriptive(ohyesyesDESCRIPTIVE!!) story, I think you would have laughed. (they went more along the lines of 'whoa!' 'what?!' 'whooooaaa!')

Anyway, if you wanted some...advice...*strokes chin* I guess I would advise you to pay attenition to how others speak, and then have your characters (with perhapes a few exceptions) speak normally. I think that you did a pretty good job doing that over all, but when Tommy says "I have no idea what you are speaking of" a red alert flashed before me eyes. (in my school, they train you to be grammer/writing police. Which is good. *coughcough*)

Another thing, (I'm only being picky because you implied you wanted feedback. *evil cackle*) when you introduced the O Mighty Cat Skull (I'm not trying to mock you, it's just fun to say. ;D) I had no idea what that had to do with the story. Now that I think about it, I still don't. (correct me if I missed something.)

Another thing, when describing the...ah...mutations...er, gory scenes, I would focus more on the characters' emotions. What was Tommy feeling? (in his feet and in his heart) What about the midget? (anxinity, pride...?) And try to put yourself in the place of your characters. If you found some random guy standing in your house demanding for 'the money', tell me, how would you feel?

Alright. That's all I can say for now. Hope it helps. After all, it was quite an enjoyable piece and I like the story plot. Nice ending, also. I will always keep this story in mind. ;)


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