Blush, Foundation, and Knives
KILLER CLOWN –
KONA – [loudly] Yea, Broncos!
LANDRY - [cheering] Whoo, Broncos!
PARISE – [hugs LANDRY] Okay, I think that was obvious. The Grand Winner is…LANDRY!
LANDRY – [high-fives friends] Whoo!
KONA – [grumbling] Of course you won. I mean, you have the most practice, as the head cheerleader at school. [LANDRY punches KONA playfully in shoulder]
PARISE - What should we do now?
KONA – [rubbing shoulder] Yeah. What should we do? I’m bored.
AIDIAN - Ooh, I know! Why don’t we tell scary stories in the dark? I know a good one.
LANDRY - Great idea! I’ll get a flashlight from downstairs! You know, to make it scarier and more realistic. [goes down hallway]
MOM- Do you kids need anything to eat? I can grab you something.
LANDRY – Go ask everyone upstairs and I’ll bring it up once I’ve grabbed the flashlight.
MOM – Okay!
LANDRY - [enthusiastically] Okay, I’m back! Who wants some pretzels and soda?
KONA, AIDIAN, DAMION, PARISE - We do!!!
LANDRY – [settling down] Okay, AIDIAN, what’s your scary story?
AIDIAN – [whining] Why do I have to go first?
LANDRY - Because it was your idea, silly. Now, go. [holds up fist threateningly]
AIDIAN - Fine. Be that way. Okay, here’s my story.
AIDIAN - Okay, so once, I think it was about five years ago, right before her son’s fifth birthday, a woman walked into a thrift store. She wanted to buy a new collar for their dog, but she ended up getting a present for his birthday. He was practically in love with clowns, and there was this stuffed clown that was sitting with his legs crossed and he was holding up five fingers on his right hand.
PARISE - This doesn’t sound that scary.
AIDIAN - Don’t worry, it gets a lot creepier. If you’ll just hold out a little longer…
PARISE - I get it. I’ll listen.
LANDRY – [turning to AIDIAN] Continue.
AIDIAN - Right. Well, the lady thought it was adorable. She went up to the counter and told the man she wanted to buy it. He warned her that she wouldn’t be able to return it, and she was arguing with him about it for about five minutes. Their conversation went sort of like this: ‘Just as a warning, you won’t be able to return this particular item, ma’am.’ ‘What? But this is a thrift store! It’s practically made for people to sell their stuff! And that includes returning stuff!’ ‘I’m sorry, but this item is the one you won’t be able to return.’ ‘But, what if I don’t want it?’ ‘Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to find another solution. Now, would you like that in a bag or gift wrapped?’ Well, that was the end of their conversation. The woman took the gift-wrapped clown, and three days later, at her son’s birthday party, she presented it to him. He fell in love with it. As he went to bed, she tucked him into bed with the new clown, but he decided it looked better on his dresser watching him. He said it was his ‘guardian angel’. His mother complied and put the clown on his dresser. The next morning, she went down to wake him up, because for some reason he had slept in for nearly two hours. But, as she walked in, she realized something was terribly wrong. The first thing she saw was the clown with four fingers up, instead of five. She rubbed her eyes, then looked again. Sure enough, only four fingers were up. She looked down at the floor, finally realizing she was standing in something cold and wet. She screamed, realizing what she was standing in. It was --
AIDIAN, KONA, LANDRY, PARISE, DAMION – [as door opens slowly] Aaah!
PATON – [comes in] Whoa, guys. Calm down. It’s me.
LANDRY - Oh. It’s just you.
PATON – [teasing] Just me? Thanks a lot. What about ‘your savior’?
DAMION -What do you want, PATON?
PATON - Mom said to bring you each a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows because you’re telling scary stories. [hands everyone a mug] Mind if I join you?
LANDRY – [looks around at other guests, who all nod] We do mind. I might put it up on Instagram, so, you can read it there.
PATON – [protesting] But –
LANDRY - No means no, PATON. Live with it. [turns to AIDIAN] Proceed, AIDIAN.
AIDIAN - Sure. Well, as I was saying, the woman looked down and saw her son’s blood on the floor, pooling around his dead body. She was really creeped out and swore she would return the clown. She forgot to do it that day, and the next morning, her husband was lying dead on the floor, and the clown was only holding up three fingers. Well, now she was really frightened. She grabbed the clown and drove back to the thrift store where she had originally bought it. She didn’t care what the cashier said. She was going to return that clown, even if it was the last thing she did. Storming into the shop, she left the clown behind her in the car. She argued with the cashier about returning the clown, and their talk went sort of like this: ‘I want to return that clown you sold me a few days ago!’ ‘Ma’am, I’ve already told you, you can’t return that particular item!’ ‘Sir, that thing killed my husband and son! I demand to return the thing!’ ‘I’m sorry for your loss, but you can’t return it!’ ‘Ugh! I want to see the manager right now!’ ‘What’s the trouble, ma’am?’ The manager had heard their argument and he came over to see what was going on. ‘Sir, this man has just informed me that you cannot return this toy clown!’ ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to tell you this, but you cannot return the clown. I would suggest, however,’ he added, as he sensed an outburst, ‘that you would take the thing to the dump and dispose of it there.’ The woman gave in, knowing she wouldn’t win. She went outside to her car, and sitting on her dashboard was the smiling clown, holding up two fingers. There was a dead man that had been near her car lying on the ground. That was the last straw for her, and she drove straight to the dump. However, the murderous clown did not like that at all and caused her to have a car crash, which in turn killed her. Now, he was only holding one finger up. [grinning evilly, points at LANDRY, DAMION, PARISE, KONA in turn] You can only guess who his next victim will be.
LANDRY – [surprised, frightened] Not…me?!
AIDIAN - Well, not only you. Everybody that hears the tale has the chance of being the killer clown’s next victim, so be on the watch!
LANDRY - [short, strained laugh] But, killer clowns don’t exist, do they?
AIDIAN - Not normally. But you have to remember that this is not an ordinary clown. He’s a killer.
PATON – [entering room, smirking. Turns to AIDIAN] Nice ghost story, dude.
LANDRY – [throwing pillow at him] You were eavesdropping outside of my door, you beast!
PATON - That’s right. I wonder if LADON will like it…
LANDRY – Wait. LADON’s here?
PATON – Yeah. I’m going to tell him the story right now.
[after chasing PATON out, everyone goes to bed. Boys sleep some distance away from girls. LANDRY lies awake, pondering the story. AIDIAN snoring. After a second, LANDRY goes to sleep. Everyone else wakes up and hide. DAMION begins speaking as CLOWN.]
DAMION – [voice offstage, scratchy] Wake up.
LANDRY – [sits up, whispers] Who is it?
DAMION - It’s your worst nightmare.
LANDRY - But I don’t have any nightmares.
DAMION - Let me introduce myself more properly. I’m more widely known as the KILLER CLOWN. Pleased to meet you, LANDRY.
LANDRY – [strained voice] How…how do you know my name?
DAMION - That’s none of your business. But be warned. You will be dead by tomorrow morning. [voice cackles evilly, LANDRY shivers]
DAMION – [lights turn on] Oh, we so got you!
AIDIAN – [high-fives Damion] Dude, did you see the look on her face? It was priceless!
KONA - Did you hear her? She thought you were the real deal!
PARISE - Yeah. You were the best, DAMION!
LANDRY – [stammers] Huh? What happened?
PARISE – [turns to LANDRY] We all saw how freaked out you seemed when AIDIAN was telling that story, so we decided to play a trick on you.
LANDRY – [realizes it’s all a joke and grabs a pillow, and whacks them all with it] You! You-you had me there for a minute! [starts laughing and PARISE comes up so LANDRY can lean on her legs so she doesn’t collapse completely]
KONA – [concerned, worried. Turns to other guests, who all shrug except for PARISE] Uh, LANDRY? Are you all right?
PARISE – [calmly] It’s a disease she has. PBA. Pseudo Bulbar Affect. It causes people to laugh or cry in totally random situations, or inappropriate situations. For example, one time, I was telling her about how my grandpa died, and she just started laughing because of the disease.
AIDIAN - Oh. LANDRY, are you all right? [turns to PARISE] Will she be all right?
PARISE - Yeah, she should be fine. Usually, it rubs off in less than a minute, and this is definitely the longest I’ve seen her like this.
DAMION – [concerned] Does anything bad come out of this?
PARISE - Well, sometimes she can hardly breathe because she’s been laughing too much, and then she starts coughing, and then she just collapses again and keeps on laughing. When she has an attack, it's better if she has someone near her so that she doesn’t collapse. Also, if she coughs too much or has something stuck in her throat, she needs someone nearby to give her the Heimlich maneuver or to hit her on the back, or just to keep her sane. [LANDRY starts coughing violently] Oh, God. AIDIAN, go get Paton and tell him we need Ladon right away. [AIDIAN leaves, and comes back, followed by LADON]
LADON - Oh, my God. LANDRY, don’t start worrying me again! Come here, peeps. Watch and learn. [slaps LANDRY hard on the back, and she tries to punch him but then stops laughing and sits up straight]
PARISE - LANDRY, that was the longest you’ve ever been like that. [checks her watch.] You were laughing for nearly seven minutes.
KONA – [pats LANDRY on back] That was really scary. I was wondering if we should call a doctor. It looked like you were having a seizure.
LANDRY - Don’t worry, I’ve never had a seizure, so I should be fine.
[Lights all go out, and same scratchy voice is heard from CLOWN in corner. Everyone gathers around each other, with scared looks.]
CLOWN – [scratchy voice] I am the KILLER CLOWN. I have come to warn you. This is your last night together. One of you shall have to go forever.
LANDRY - You have got to be kidding me. If you really are the KILLER CLOWN, show yourself.
LANDRY – [laughing as CLOWN steps out from behind shelf, unseen by others] I’m not having an attack again. He’s right there. [points at CLOWN and others turn and start laughing as well.]
PARISE - He’s kind of cute.
AIDIAN - I think he looks comical. [As everyone is cooing, KONA steps forward and takes the knife from CLOWN]
CLOWN – [steps forward] You will not think I am funny when one of you dies at my hands.
LANDRY - Yeah, I don’t think so, dude. It’s you who will be leaving us forever, so like, live with it.
CLOWN - What do you mean? I’m the one with the bloody knife!
LANDRY - Actually, we are. [takes knife from KONA] As you were introducing yourself KONA went up to you and took your knife, so you’re the one that will die tonight. [advances on CLOWN and strikes him. He falls down, struggles, then ceases movement. As he dies, bone-chilling cackle fills the air and everyone shivers. Lights turn back on]
KONA - Well, I’m glad that’s over. [LANDRY starts laughing and starts choking. AIDIAN and KONA both punch her in the back.]
LANDRY - Thanks. I couldn’t stop laughing that time and began choking on air. Ow.
PARISE - Yeah. We noticed. [everyone laughs, then fall asleep. Lights dim, then turn on. Everyone rises to take a coordinated bow]
Blush, Foundation, and Knives
Blush, Foundation, and Knives