(At a mall, two ARMY RECRUITMENT MEN are setting up a booth as uninterested teenagers go by)
ARMY MAN #1: Aw man, dude, we got the worst job.
ARMY MAN #2: Nobody wants to be on recruitment duty.
ARMY MAN #1: I know, right? None of these kids want to join the stupid army anyway.
ARMY MAN #2: This has got to be the hardest job any army man ever had to do.
ARMY MAN #1: Yeah. Any army man ever.
ARMY MAN #2: Ever.
ARMY MAN #1: Ever.
ARMY MAN #2: Uh-huh.
ARMY MAN #1: It’s super tough.
ARMY MAN #2: Totally.
(ARMY MAN #1 pulls a giant poster board displaying pictures of various worn-down and suffering soldiers from historical US conflicts like WWII and the Vietnam War with an army recruitment tagline: “Make the Ultimate Sacrifice for Freedom”. Both ARMY MEN stare out at the audience for a beat.)
ARMY MAN #1:The hardest thing ever.
(Both ARMY MEN begin rummaging through their cardboard boxes to find more supplies for their booth.)
ARMY MAN #2: Hey! Hey, wait a minute!
(He pulls out a box of pamphlets and supplies to show ARMY MAN #1)
ARMY MAN #2: Look, they got us some new merch!
ARMY MAN #1: Hey, this is pretty neat! All we had before was dignity, honor, and sacrifice.
ARMY MAN #2: But when they see this, kids might actually want to join the military!
ARMY MAN #1: Come on, let’s try it out!
(Two teenage boys, BILLY and TOMMY, and their female friend, MELISSA, walk past the booth)
ARMY MAN #2: Hello there, young people!
ARMY MAN #1: Or should I say, ‘At attention, privates’?
ARMY MAN #1: What?
TOMMY: You said ‘privates’.
(The ARMY MEN look at each other, worried, but carry on with their spiel.)
ARMY MAN #2: Would you like to serve your country and learn skills of obedience, defense, and honor along the way?
BILLY: Wouldn’t that mean we’d have to fight in...like...wars?
ARMY MAN #1: Oh-ho-ho, not just any wars.
ARMY MAN #2: You’ll be fighting in...Operation Enduring Freedom Wars!
(From the cardboard box full of “new advertising material” he pulls a space-print poster that reads “Operation Enduring Freedom Wars” in the Star Wars font)
BILLY: Something about this seems kinda weird…
BILLY: But just, like, the way that poster’s written...it sorta makes me feel like I have to buy it.
ARMY MAN #1: Our great country has a long history of ‘Wars’ like this one. Vietnam, Korea, World War One, World War Two.
ARMY MAN #2: The Revolutionary War!
ARMY MAN #1: That’s the prequels.
ARMY MAN #2: See, you think we’re gonna be out of wars, but nope! Even after the original creator who gave the whole franchise its spark washes his hands of the whole business, the wars just keep dragging on and on.
ARMY MAN #1: We get wars no one needed or asked for one after another, mostly for the purpose of making more money than we already did.
ARMY MAN #2: You kids like that kind of thing, right?
ARMY MAN #1: And you know who’s the star of these wars?
ARMY MAN #2: One could even say star wars?
ARMY MAN #1: It’s the army men! Like my pal here and me.
ARMY MAN #2: So if you want to star in wars, you should join
the army, too!
BOTH: It’s a trap!
ARMY MAN #1: Except not!
(Both smile at the kids and freeze in a “thumbs up” position)
TOMMY: It’s like...I can tell it’s nothing but junk created to get more money...but I can’t stop the urge to follow it anyway.
BILLY: Yeah...why don’t you guys tell us a little bit more about what it’s like to star in these wars.
ARMY MAN #2: Alright, alright.
ARMY MAN #1: We’ve brought along some of the equipment that we use every day as the stars of wars.
(ARMY MAN #2 pulls a Darth Vader helmet out of the cardboard box)
ARMY MAN #2: This is our super cool new army helmet uniform!
ARMY MAN #1: You put it on your head!
BILLY: I will do literally anything to wear that helmet on my head even though it has no practical usage.
ARMY MAN #1: If you like impractical and unexplainably attractive, wait till you get a load of this!
(He takes a lightsaber out of the box and turns it on)
ARMY MAN #1: This baby here is the brand new weapon for these wars!
ARMY MAN #2: It inflicts unnecessary pain on your enemy and leaves you practically unguarded!
BILLY: That’s awesome!
(BILLY reaches for the lightsaber)
MELISSA: Woah, hey! That can burn your hand off!
BILLY: I know!
MELISSA: Then why are you trying to touch it?
BILLY: I don’t know...there’s just something about not having a hand that seems like it would make me similar to something super cool for reasons I can’t quite explain.
TOMMY: I want to give my money to it!
MELISSA: Geez, calm down.
ARMY MAN #1: No, no, no don’t calm down. Calm up! Up into space!
MELISSA: People die in wars. You know that, right?
BILLY: Oh, yeah.
TOMMY: I kinda forgot about that.
ARMY MAN #2: Hey, hey, hey, dying’s not so bad.
MELISSA: Oh, right. Because it’s a sacrifice for your country?
ARMY MAN #1: Of course not!
ARMY MAN #2: Because you can become a forces ghost!
(He pulls out a poster of Obi-Wan’s force ghost)
MELISSA: Uh, I don’t think you’re legally allowed to say it’s the force. That’s copyrighted.
ARMY MAN #1: Not force. Forces. As in armed forces. Not whatever weirdo thing you were talking about.
ARMY MAN #2: Yeah. armed forces. As in, “use the force, nuke!”
MELISSA: I think you mean, “Luke”, not “nuke”.
ARMY MAN #2: No, I meant what I said.
MELISSA: Whatever. That’s still obviously a picture of Obi-Wan Kenobi.
(Both ARMY MEN look at the picture, then back at MELISSA)
ARMY MAN #1: Oh. He-he, yeah.
ARMY MAN #2: We kinda...um...put the wrong picture up.
ARMY MAN #1: Here’s the real picture of an armed forces ghost.
(He pulls a poster showing soldier’s funeral procession with a black hearse)
BILLY: Oh my gosh.
MELISSA: Come on, let’s go.
ARMY MAN #2: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
(He pulls a picture of the Millennium Falcon out of the cardboard box and sticks it over the hearse)
ARMY MAN #2: It’s the post-Mortem Falcon!
TOMMY: We’re joining the army!
MELISSA: No! Goodbye!
ARMY MAN #1: Wait a minute! There’s one more thing we need to show you!
ARMY MAN #2: Stars of Wars…
(He pulls the same “Operation Enduring Freedom Wars” poster from the box, but this time in bright pink)
ARMY MAN #2: But for girls!
MELISSA: I’m interested. Like, I feel like I shouldn’t be, but I am.
ARMY MAN #1: It’s all your favorite camouflage and tanks, but this time in bright pink!
ARMY MAN #2: See how pink and not-sexist we are?
ARMY MAN #1: And look, and look! Distinctive hairstyles!
(He pulls out a picture of a female soldier with a buzz cut)
ARMY MAN #1: The “buzz cut”
(He pulls out a picture of a female soldier with her hair in a bun)
ARMY MAN #1: The “pulled back so enemies can’t grab it”.
MELISSA: Tres chic!
(He pulls out a picture of a female soldier with her face badly injured and her hair burned off)
ARMY MAN #1: The “my infantry got bombed”.
MELISSA: Oh, sh-
ARMY MAN #2: Or should we say, “the Alderaan”?
MELISSA: Ooh! Pretty!I feel like I need to pay as much as it takes to get that done on my head!
ARMY MAN #1: So you’ll become troopers?
BILLY: Well, I mean, we’re not sure yet.
ARMY MAN #2: Troopers against the storm of communism and injustice?
ARMY MAN #1: One might even say, storm troopers?
(MELISSA, BILLY, and TOMMY look at each other for a second)
ALL TEENS: Totally!
(BILLY, TOMMY, and MELISSA take pamphlets, and leave)
ARMY MAN #1: Hey, that wasn’t so bad.
ARMY MAN #2: Yeah, we got a whole three kids! May be can just pack up and leave early since--woah!
(THEY look to the side to see that a long line has formed)
ARMY MAN #1: Hey! Are all you guys here just for us?
PERSON IN LINE #1: Yeah!
PERSON IN LINE #2: We saw the font on your sign and came to give you all our money!
PERSON IN LINE #1: If you give us a gun that says Star Wars on it we will use it to kill all your enemies!
ARMY MAN #1: Woah.
ARMY MAN #2: I don’t think we’re ever going to have to reinstate the draft again.
(both ARMY MEN high five, and begin to address the rest of the line)