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Out Before You're In
? Ms. Freebird - One of the judges. Is a total hippie, always seeing the best in everyone and
wanting everyone to get in, calm and spiritual.
? Mrs. Satan (pronounced sah tan) - Another judge. Judges very harshly, but is honest
about his opinions and is very 'matter of fact'. He is also extremely famous and brags
about being nominated for many awards.
? Joe - The stage manager. He's there to tell people in the green room that it is their turn to
audition. He is very strict, and takes any orders from the judges. He has no sense of
? Phoebe Price- A very eager auditioner who messes up on her first audition, becauseshe is
flustered and doesn't perform the trick right. She then disguises herself in multiple ways
to have multiple chances at the audition.
? Larissa Petya- A Russian female who is determined to get what she 'vants' by any means.
? Dimitri Evans - A shy, goth guy who turns out to be the one to beat.
? Mary DeMarco - Good at everything. Almost pompous about it. But, in the end she is
tired of always getting things right, and makes a life-changing decision.
? Jake Harper - A really sweet, heartwarming, charming boy, who is completely and
utterly stupid. Is still a child at heart.
The Set - Onstage there are two walls, placed perpendicularly with the audience, so the
characters appear to be in separate rooms. In total there are three separate rooms with two walls
making them up. On stage right, there are multiple chairs lined up, like a waiting room, with one
wall to the left. The room past that wall also has another wall, making it the 'middle room', this is
where you see each of the auditioners get ready before they have to go on, so there could be a
mirror and a chair in this tiny room. The last room is the biggest and it is stage left and some of
center stage, this is the audition room. In the corner, there is a desk (judges table) and two chairs
behind it. On the desk there are various items such as pencils, drinking cups, paperwork, and
Opening - (LIGHTS ON, Joe walks in stage left, the audition room,wearing all black and a
headset, he walks very straight and begins to adjust the desk and anything he feels is not
perfectly placed. Then, Phoebe enters stage right, the waiting room, wearing bright, spunky
colors, she has with her a trunk, and sitting down, opens the trunk and frantically goes through
it, mumbling to herself about what to wear.)
(Joe then passes through the middle room to the waiting room, and as soon as Phoebe sees him
she stands up and shakes his hand, introducing herself.)
Phoebe - Oh hi! Hi! My name is Phoebe Price but you can call me Phee if you'd like. (Nudges
him on the shoulder in a semi-flirtatious manner. He keeps trying to get a word in, but she is
talking too fast.)
Phoebe - I've been auditioning for about ummm 7 years now. I've never really gotten a good part,
but gee, the people here are always worth meeting! I got up at 4 in the morning. I can't eat a
thing, I'm so nervous. Sorry I'm here so early. You know what they say, the early bird gets the
worm. (A pause of silence, Joe is speechless. Phoebe then makes a croaking bird sound, making
the silence more awkward. Mr. Satan then walks in to the audition room, wearing business
attire, sits down uncomfortably and quickly drums on the table impatiently.)
Mr. S - Where's my stage manager??
Joe - Oh my.
(Joe runs through each of the rooms. Phoebe continues to rummage quietly through her
Joe - Good day Mr. Satan Sir.
Mr. S - It's pronounced Sahtan! Where is my pillow?
Joe - Oh, uh, a pillow, Sir?
Mr. S - Yes! For my bum. You can't expect me to sit here all day long without a cushioned seat.
Joe - Oh, of course! How could I've been so stupid. I'll be right back Sir.
(Joe exits stage left. Mr. S then starts to write and flip through some papers on the desk. Dimitri
enters into the waiting room SR, wearing mostly black, ripped clothing, with a hoodie, he has
headphones in, and sits furthest away from Phoebe, they each turn theirheads slowly until they
awkwardly exchange glances.They quickly turn their heads back, each weirded out by the other.
Dimitri can be playing on his phone, ignoring the others.)
(On SL Ms.F enters, wearing full hippie clothes and her hair up in braids.)
Ms. F - Today is a gift, for it is the present. And the clouds float high above our very people. It is
aligned and in harmony. Is it not Mr. S? (She graciously sits beside him.)
Mr. S - Oh, just lovely. (He says sarcastically.) I didn't know YOU were the one joining me
today Ms. Freebird.
Ms. F - There was no need to know, fate is what leads our spiritual butterfly to the great oak leaf.
Mr. S - Fantastic. (Again sarcastically, while continuing his work. Ms. F sits criss-cross in her
chair and begins to meditate.)
( Stage right enters Mary DeMarco, she is wearing what appears to be a school uniform dress
with her hair pulled back sharply into a bun, and wearing glasses. She walks in, looks at Phoebe
and Dimitri and chooses to sit by Phoebe.)
(Mary then quietly pulls out a book and starts reading it, she sits very straight. Phoebe keeps
staring at her, with a huge smile, waiting for Mary to say something to her. Mary finally notices
and is a little freaked out.)
Mary - Um, salutations?
Phoebe - Hi! I'm Phoebe Price but you can call me Phee!
Mary- Well, Phee, my name is Mary DeMarco.
Phoebe - Oooo, fancy. That would make us friends now that we're on a first name basis, hehe. So
what are you reading, mar mar. (Nickname)
Mary - It's a chem book based on the whole theory of balancing redox reactions and how during
oxidation the loss of an electron increases the oxidation number and...
( Mary keeps talking but her voice fades so that the attention is drawn to SL when Joe enters
with a pillow.)
Mr. S - Finally. You can fix it up for me. (Mr. S stands up so Joecan put the pillow on the chair
and beats it a couple times, making it comfy.)
Ms. F - Whoa, dude. Like, those delicate feathers have never harmed you. Treat them as you
would like to be treated.
Joe - (Stopping what he was doing.) Yes, Ma'am. So sorry.
Mr. S - Don't mind her. (Sitting back down) Now, what did you say your name was again?
Joe - Joe, Sir.
Ms. F - Ah, yes. It's so beautifully complicated, for its simplicity confuses the soul.
Joe - Why, uh, thank you, Ma'am?
Mr. S - Joe? That's it. Well, Joe, what's the status of our Superstar Sparkle auditions?
Joe- I can go check on the number of auditioners now. Each one of them should've checked in
with the front desk before going to the waiting room. It's still early though, Sir.
Ms. F - Early is on-time, for on-time is late.
Mr. S - Just go check. Shoo!
( Joe goes into the middle room and into the waiting room at the same time Larissa comes into
the waiting room, wearing a dress with a feather boa, lots of lipstick, and hair full of volume.
They both look at each other, look at the audience, then look at each other. Larissa winks at him,
and he does an awkward smile/ shoulder shrug.)
Larissa - Vwell, vwhat do vwe have here? A couple amateurs and a very handsome young lad.
Say, ( walkingtowards him, very pompous like, each character trying to keep to themselves and
not pay attention to her drawing attention.) vwhat, position, vwould you say you are? (while
messing with his headset.)
Joe - Oh uh.... Uh.. My name's Joe? Ma'am.
Larissa - Okay, Joe, sweet little boy. Now tell me, vwhat do you do here? Vwhat's your job, your
Joe - I work with…well, under…wait...for…uh..
Larissa - Vwith who?
Joe - The judges, Ma'am.
Larissa – Hm…vwell I'm just in luck today, aren't I? Vwhy don't you just come vwith me for a
moment. ( heading towards SR exit, holding him by his collar.)
Joe - Oh no, Ms..?
Larissa - Larissa Petya. (Pompously)
Joe - Ms. Petya, this is not a good idea.
Larissa - Oooh, it'll just be a moment, I promise. (They disappear behind the SR curtainThe
scene now focuses back on to the audition room.)
Mr. S - You've met my darling mother, right, Ms. Freebird?
Ms. F - Yes, with eyes gold like mountain ridges covered in peacock green lilies.
Mr. S - I guess that does describe Emmy's eyes. I don't find it fair that her name is Emmy. Have
you met my brothers?
Ms.F - I don't think their paths have crossed mine.
Mr. S - Their names are Tony and Oscar. My mother never expected me, the youngest, to excel
the furthest out of all of them. But, my fame will be, and already is their down-fall. Ha, too bad,
fools. For this community competition, you picked out the name, Superstar Sparkle. It couldn't
be, Triple Threat, or something witty?
Ms. F - The name encourages all humanity to find their own inner glitter in their loving hearts.
Then they will have truly reached the stage of Superstar Sparkle and be one with themselves.
(Jake Harper enters, wearing little boy things like a cape and a superhero shirt, funny looking
pants and a silly hat, enters on the wrong side, on SL. Looking around curiously.)
Jake - Hi! I'm Jake. Is this the waiting room?
Mr. S - No! How.. How did you even get in there? There is no entrance to the building that way!
Jake - Oh, haha, I don't know. One second I was outside, and then, I in was here. It happens to
me all the time.
Ms. F- This blossoming chrysanthemum has been sent here to find the sparkle I was speaking of.
He is in need of it.
Jake–Oooh, sparkles?? I LOVE sparkles, when it’s dark outside, there are a bunch of them in the
sky, everywhere! But I can never catch them! They never move though, so..maybe I'm just a bad
Mr. S - Stage manager!! Where is he?...Joe! The stage manager!
( We hear a displeased gasp from Larissa, and she comes out SR and sits down grumpily in one
of the chairs.)
Larissa - I can't believe he's only a stupid stage manager. Ugh, disgusting.
( Joe slowly steps out, his hair a mess, and with lipstick all over his face.)
Mr.S - Joe??
(Joe runs through the rooms, so that he is now in the audition room.)
Joe - (high pitched.) Yes, Sir...( clears his throat.)
Jake - Oh no, I think he's got a rash! (Motioning to the lipstick marks) I get rashes like those all
over, but for some reason they usually happen around my..
Mr.S - Okayyyy! Just..Joe. You need to be more conscientious about stage managing.
Joe - I am! It's just, Ms. Petya kept -
(Mr.S stands up.)
Mr. S - Are you talking back to me, Joe.
Joe- No…( Shutter.)
Mr. S - (Leans over desk toward him.) No, what?
Joe- (Gulps.) Sir.
(This whole time Ms.F is in her own world.)
Ms. F - I dig that rainbow, man. (She says, looking into a glass of water.)
( Everyone pauses to look at her, then resume what they were doing.)
Mr.S - (Sits down, talks to Joe.)You need to take Jake and check him in. Make sure he stays in
the waiting room, alright?...
Joe – Anything, Sir.(Grabs Jake by pinching his shirt by his shoulder and they both turn around
to go to the waiting room.)
Jake – Ha, that feels weird.
Mr. S - Oh, and Joe (Joe turns his head back.) clean up, will you?
Joe -Yes..will do, Sir.
( Jake and Joe walk to the waiting room then he sets down Jake by letting his shirt go. Joe then
exits off SR to fix hair and wipe lipstick off.)
Jake–Yay, more people! Hi guys! My name is Jake Harper!
(He 'flies' around the room and says hi to everyone. When he goes to say hi to Dimitri, Dimitri
just looks up with his eyes, and Jake runs back to Mary and holds onto her.)
Jake - (Gasp) He's not a very nice person.
Ms. F (to Mr. S) - Are you prepared to accept the gift of these young children as they play the
harmonies of a beautiful alto saxophone?
Mr. S– Yes. Let’s get this over with already.
(Joe enters SR, appearing more serious than before and holding a clip board.)
Joe - Alright, everybody listen up! You’re here because you think you have some talent that can
add to Superstar Sparkle. You’ll walk through this door: This is the warm up room. You have
one minute to do what you'd like in here, whatever helps prepare your talent. Afterwards, I will
signal you to go into the next room, the audition room. You’ll do the following; introduce,
perform and come right back to the waiting room. The list of the new 'Sparklers' will be posted
after all auditions. Okay, let's make this quick people! (He claps twice.)
(Joe runs to the audition room.)
Joe - Ready sir? Ma'am?
Ms. F - More than the withered leaf during the season of earthed Fall waiting to touch the
Mr. S – Yes, of course. Bring in the first...victim. (Laughs at his own joke)
(Joe runs back through all the rooms to the waiting room.)
Joe - Phoebe Price.
Phoebe –(Dramatic gasp.) Oh!! That's me. That's me guys! (To Joe )And I told you to call me
Phee, silly. (Does a nerdy laugh with a snort.)
(Joe motions in toward the warm up room.)
Phoebe - Right! (She enters with her mysterious trunk and Joe closes the door behind her.)
( She looks in the mirror and makes some funny faces, checking out her tongue, eyes, ears, nose,
weird body parts. Then she sits down on the chair, un-lady like.)
Phoebe - (Sigh )I don't know why I keep coming to auditions..I mean, yeah I'm all irresistible and
amazing on the outside, but on the inside, I'm just a prune. A dried up lil' ole prune! My family
always expect so much of me. They said if I don't make this audition, I'm going to have to join
the circus with them! All those monkeys...I just can't handle being around them! So I brought my
secret weapon (Pats trunk), just in case I think I didn't do good enough. But, I mean, it should go
okay, right? It's my last chance..it has to...
Joe - (opens door) Time’s up.
Phoebe - Okay Joey! No problemo! So, just through here then?( Points to the audition room).
Joe - Correct Ma'am.
Phoebe - Ooo,‘Ma'am’, I could get used to this treatment. (Nerdy laugh again) Here I go! (Grabs
a deck of cards from the table in the warm up room. Walks slowly into audition room, leaving
luggage behind.) Hi! Wow! Ms. Freebird and Mr. Satan?!? I've heard sooo many great things
about the both of you!
Mr. S - Arrg! It's pronounced Sahtan!
Ms. F - What have you brought for us, colorful young caterpillar?
Phoebe - I will be performing some magic tricks! Choose a card, any card! (She says proudly.
Ms. F chooses a card, the judges look at it, and then she puts the card back on top of the deck as
Phoebe's motion is instructing to do. ) Good! Now, let me see...(She shuffles the deck awkwardly
and then looks through the card till she finds one she is satisfied with.) Is this your card, Ms.
Freebird? (Ms. F gently shakes her head no.)
Mr. S - Just get out! You can't even do a simple card trick right!
(Phoebe looks down at the card, realizing she most likely did mess up, and runs to the warm up
room. Phoebe then starts to go through her trunk and pulls out a French beret and a striped
shirt. She puts them on as quickly as possible and hides the majority of her hair in the beret.)
Ms. F - I thought she was magnificent! She changed the royal king card to a simple 3, with hearts
and love scattered through the air. Sorcery could be a useful act in Superstar Sparkle.
Mr. S - It's not sorcery! It's just a bunch of hand maneuvers that she can't even perform properly.
(Phoebe enters, her French disguise a mess, yet she is fully in character.)
Phoebe - (French accent) Ah, salut, bonjour! Madam, Monsieur, My name is
Phoe......eh..Philippe Brice. Oui! And I will be performing a magic..
Mr. S - Stop! Stop! We know it's you, Phoebe!
Phoebe - Sacre bleu! (She runs out of the room again and goes through the luggage, grabbing a
eye liner pencil, a sombrero and a poncho. She draws a non-realistic mustache and throws the
other two on.)
Ms. F - That was the same little butterfly we saw before?
Mr. S - Yes…but she shows a remarkable talent for quick changes and impersonations. If she
comes out again, keep a close eye and see how well she can act out her next character.
(Phoebe comes out again, pieces of hair hanging out from the sombrero and a bit frazzled.)
Phoebe- (In Spanish accent.) Hola! Senor, Senorita! They call me El...Pablo Rice. Si. Your eyes
will behold the magical powers that I..
Mr. S - Alright Phoebe, we've seen enough of your games.
Phoebe - Ay caramba! (Starts to leave, really disappointed and tired)
Ms. F - Wait, little hummingbird. (Phoebe turns around.)You have shown great courage in the
cage amongst the tigers and zebras. We will still consider you for your entertaining character
Phoebe - Really?? Oh, thank you, thank you!
Mr. S - (Calls out to Joe) Next! (Phoebe cleans up her stuff in the warm up room and returns to
the waiting room, smiling bigger than ever.)
Joe- Dimitri Evans.
Dimitri - (Taking out a headphone and looking up.) What?
(Everyone looks shocked)
Jake - Whoa, he can talk!
Marcy - Yes, his lymph nodes seem to be in their proper place.
Larissa - A very manly voice indeed.
Joe - You're up. (Motions to the warm up room.)
Dimitri - Cools. ( Enters the warm up room and sits down, looking extremely bored. This goes on
for about 10 seconds, then he remembers something.) Ah, I forgot...(Pulls out his phone and
dials a number. Pauses for a couple seconds.) Hey... mom? Yeah, I'm here. I know. I know. I'm
only doing this because you asked me to. Yeah, I love you too. The others are fine, a bit odd. If
they heard me talking to you..nothing..nothing! They'd just think I was lame or something, I
dunno. What if the judges laugh at my stuttering? You know I can't help it. I know. Hey, Ma, I'm
gonna have to go. Yes I'll keep you on. Thanks, I'll try. For us.(Puts phone back in his pocket. He
then looks into the mirror and rubs is face with his hands in a stressful manner.)
Joe - (Opens door.) You may enter the audition room.
Dimitri - Got it. ( He stands up, and cracks his neck. He walks into the audition room.)
Mr. S - At least this one seems to be the complete opposite of Phoebe.
Ms. F - What is your name, Dark Knight?
Dimitri - (Takes a big breath. And stutters.) Ddd..Dimitri E..Evans. S..sorry I just tend t..to
stutter in f..front of others.
Ms. F - Joyful.(She says fully interested.)
Mr. S– (Mockingly)Yes, so joyful. Begin when ready.
(Dimitri clears his throat and takes another breath. A track of music will start playing that is
operatic singing. He will mouth the words and act them out fully, making both judges drop their
jaws, when the song is over they both stand up and applaud.)
Ms. F - Most excellent! Beautiful!
Mr. S - Yes, a job well done, Dimitri. Now go to the waiting room until we put up the list for the
Dimitri - O..okay, th..thank you. (Walks back into warm up room.)Hey Mom, did you hear that? I
think they actually liked me..I did it. I stood straight, and took a big breath, just like you said to
do. Oh yea, just pick me up around noon, thanks. Kay I have to go. Love you, bye. (Hangs up
phone and enters the waiting room and takes a seat.)
Joe - Mary DeMarco.
Mary - Ready. (She says as she pops up out of her seat. She enters the warm up room and does
all these warm ups for her fingers. Stretching them out and bending them, and then she seems
frustrated and plops down on the chair.) My parents always want me to play classical
music...like Chopin, Beethoven, Debussy...They always want me to have straight A's and never
miss a day of school. When I..I just want to play jazz! I love that ragtime rhythm, Joplin is a
genius! But my parents won't allow me to play it, they say it's not proper. (Joe then pops his head
into the room.) I know, time's up. (He then nods and leaves as she gets up, grabs her keyboard
and enters the audition room.) Hello, (She goes to shake both their hands) my name is Mary
DeMarco. I will be playing Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, First Movement, on the keyboard.
(A track plays the beginning of the song which she mimics. The judges both seem really bored in
their own ways. So after about 15 seconds, Mary switches to a jazz song, and she gets really into
it while playing it. This music track will be attached to the other. She ends her song and then
bows, and puts away the keyboard.)
Mr. S - Now, that was the most interesting Moonlight Sonata I've ever heard!
Ms. F - It was as if a road runner had escaped the viscous apocalypse.
Mary - Thank you! I finally feel so free!
Ms. F - Though you are always free, you can never escape your own mind. You are 'free' to go
(Mary goes to sit in the waiting room.)
Joe - Up next is..uh..(Gulps.) Larissa Petya.
Larissa - Ugh, finally. I have been vwaiting all day. Now they vwill see some real talent. (Pushes
Joe out of the way as she enters the warm up room.) Move.( She puts on pom-poms and starts
stretching while talking in the warm up room.) "Ms. Larissa Petya, the superstar of Superstar
Sparkle". Ah, yes, that vwill be me, and everyone vwill know my name. I've have always been
destined to earn a higher title, but all these puny rats get in the vway. Now is my chance for
revenge. I do not need to vwarm up any more, I vwill go in. (She charges into the audition
room.) My name is Larissa Petya, and I am the next Superstar Sparkle Idol.
Mr. S - I see...Begin when you are ready.
Larissa - Ready, okay!
More power to the hour, more bounce to the ounce
I am Larissa and I'll knock you out
So push 'em back, push 'em back, vway back!
And lean to the left, lean to the right
Stand up, sit down, and fight fight fight!
(Both judges are again flabbergasted and have their mouths hanging open.)
Thank you! I know I just made the choice much easier for you two. I vwill be vwaiting, do
( She goes back to the waiting room and sits, very proud.)
Mr. S - At least there is only one more. It's the only perk of being in a small city.
Joe - Lastly, Jake Harper.
Jake - Oooo, is it my turn, I wanna go!
Joe - Yes, go in here and warm up.
Jake - Weeeee (Goes into warm up room) Huh, this room is kind of tiny. (He walks toward the
audience but hits the 'fourth wall' and mimes out that he is feeling wall) The room is really tiny!
I didn't even see this wall here. (Looks around the room) Why is it so quiet? Where'd all my
friends go?? What is this place! No, the room is getting smaller. (He acts this out by slowly
shrinking to the ground.) Noooooooooooooo. (Lays on the ground and starts twitching randomly
and making weird noises.)
Joe - (Opening the door.) Uh..times up?
Jake - (Happy like nothing even happened, jumps up.) Right on! (He looks around the prop table
and grabs his canvas and painting supplies. He runs into the next room.)Oh, more friends! Hi
Ms. F - Hello, wild antelope.
Mr. S - Jake, you have to perform something while you're here, so I hope you have something to
Jake - Oh, you mean the toys back there? Look paint! I love finger painting, my dad says it's too
messy, but I do it anyways, haha.
Mr. S - So why don't you paint something.
Jake - Sure! I really don't know how to, though.
(He sets up the canvas on a stand, so it is facing away from the audience, all the sudden he
makes a really weird face almost like he is being possessed and moves his hand fast all over the
canvas. Both judges look a bit frightened. He snaps out of it and looks at his painting.)
Jake - Whoa, when did that get there! It's not very good, I'm sorry, don't send me to my room.
(He turns around the painting and it is a perfect copy of Van Gogh's 'Starry Night'.)
I'm just gonna go...you guys are mad at me, I know it, I'm sorry.
(Both judges still speechless and writing down on their clipboards what happened. Jake exits sad
and sits down on his chair.)
Mr. S - We finally have our list. Today has been..a most interesting day.
Ms. F - Let us go, and be one with the flock.
(The judges walk to the waiting room.)
Mr. S - As you all know, we can only accept 2 out of the 5 here to be in Superstar Sparkle.
Ms. F - Remember, it isn't about getting in. The work you did to get here is what truly matters.
(Mr. S tapes up the list and all the auditioners crowd eagerly around it, LIGHTS OUT.)
End of Play