ACT ONE

Scene one

(Lights up on an empty coffee shop. Behind the register

is a cashier ,COOPER, obviously bored, playing with the

sugars, cups etc. Off stage, the door rings and in walks

MARGO, struggling with her laptop bag, various books,

purse, and other random papers.)

COOPER

Hello, welcome to The-

(MARGO drops everything she is holding on to the

MARGO

Oh, crap. Are you kidding me?

(She goes to pick everything up but as soon as she gets a

hold of it all, it falls.)

COOPER

Hello, welcome to The-

(Once again everything falls out of MARGO'S hands)

MARGO (mumbling to herself)

I swear to god if you fall one more time I am going to kill myself.

(She goes to pick it up.)

COOPER

(Everything falls. MARGO begins to scream and kick

everything around. COOPER stares at her dumbfounded;

he doesn't really know how to react to what is happening

around him.)

Hello, welcome to The Coffee Stag. May I take your order?

(Beat)

MARGO

Hi, yes, uh...could I have the extra-large mocha latte with six shots of espresso,

four packets of sugar, extra whipped cream, and….yeah that should do it.

COOPER

MARGO

Of course it’s safe. Why wouldn't it be safe? There's nothing wrong with that

drink, I've been drinking it my whole life.

COOPER

Your hands are shaking.

MARGO

That has nothing to do with the drink.

COOPER

Really? Are you sure? Because I had a minor heart attack while typing that in.

MARGO

Just make the goddamn drink before I stop your heart for real.

(Beat. COOPER begins to make the drink. MARGO pays

and sits with her stuff, which is still all over the floor.

They both sit it silence while MARGO works on her

computer, COOPER cleans the counter, puts things away,

etc.)



Excuse me, what's another word for extreme arousal?

(COOPER knocks into a jar of coffee beans (anything that

makes noise) it crashes onto the floor. He begins to choke

on his own saliva. MARGO just stares.)

COOPER

MARGO

I'm getting tired of saying arousal. Every other sentence is 'Oh I'm so aroused'

or 'You’re arousing me' or 'AH IM EXTREMELY AROUSED RIGHT NOW'. I

need another word, can you think of one?

COOPER

I, uh…… excited?(beat)

MARGO

What, are you sexting your 7th grade girlfriend? No. What middle age house

wife is going to describe her intense sexual feelings with 'excited'?

COOPER

MARGO

Oh,(laughs) I'm a writer. I write romance novels for the internet.

COOPER

Do people read them?

MARGO

Yes people read them! I have 58 followers on my blog, not including my

separate blog account which allows me to reply to some of the haters out there.

COOPER

Well, I'm sure those "haters" don't care about your try-hard erotic word choice.

MARGO

What do you know? You work at a coffee shop.

COOPER

Wow, rude. You sound like my ex-girlfriend.

MARGO

She sounds like a smart girl, maybe you should have listened to her.

COOPER

She told me I was never going to be able to satisfy a woman.

MARGO

COOPER

...SIKE!! (laughs loudly) What kind of person would say that? Jesus christ!

You should've seen your face! (Mocks MARGO) well, s***. (His laughing gets

increasingly louder and obnoxious)

MARGO

COOPER (slight choke)

(MARGO ignores him

and continues to write her internet

romance novel. COOPER gets

back to his own work. MARGO

stares at the screen of her laptop,

her frustration evident on her face.

She begins to furiously type getting

angrier and angrier the more she

writes. She suddenly bursts out

screaming once again.) 



Oh my god! What is your problem?

(MARGO continues to scream and pound on the key

board. She slowly calms down, breathing deep breaths.) 

MARGO

I'm sorry; I seem to have overreacted a bit. It's just that, god, I can't write! This

whole time I have been staring at this stupid freaking screen trying to think of

SOMETHING that is actually worth some effort, but...but...I just can't. (She

crushes her coffee cup against her head and slumps, tired)

(Long, awkward beat.)

COOPER

So I guess you're done with your latte.

MARGO

...OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY THAT WAS SO WEIRD! I mean I don't

even know you and here I am basically crying over everything and getting snot

everywhere! I wouldn't be surprised if you kicked me out, I would kick me out!

I can't even write a good internet romance novel, let alone an actual novel. I'm

sorry, (she begins to pack up her things,) I'm just going to leave. Get out of your

COOPER

Hey hey hey, man. It's fine, you're doing fine. There are no other customers so

you're not messing with business. Do you want me to make you another latte?

(MARGO smiles weakly and nods. She slowly puts her

things back down, tries to comb out coffee from hair and

makes her way to the counter)

MARGO

So, do you have a girlfriend who you can send all you lame sexting attempts to?

COOPER (laughs)

No, I wasn't kidding before about the whole "You're just a Barista. What do you

know?" Whatever, I don't need that. I'm perfectly fine without her. (Slams down

a cup,(something that makes noise) laughs sarcastically.) Besides, I like being

single, who doesn't like freedom right?

(MARGO slides over the money.)

COOPER

And it's not like I need her or anything. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine...Why are you

looking at me like that?

MARGO

COOPER

Like you pity me. I don't need your pity Ms. Internet Novelist. I'm fine.

MARGO

I don't pity you, uh, (looks at his name tag) COOPER. Huh. That’s funny.

COOPER

MARGO

COOPER is the name of the sexy cowboy who is notorious for seducing the

ladies in the town, giving them a night they will never forget, and then leaving

them in the morning before they wake up...uhm. In my story, I mean.

COOPER

MARGO

But...obviously you don't do that.

COOPER

MARGO

My name’s MARGO by the way.

COOPER

Oh! I had a turtle named MARGO when I was kid!

MARGO

COOPER

Yeah, my sister’s cat ate it.



MARGO

…Touching. Anyway what happened with this girlfriend?



COOPER

You mean besides the verbal abuse that ended in hundreds of dollars towards

MARGO

COOPER

Well she verbally abused me and I ended up spending hundreds of dollars on



MARGO

How did you guys meet?

COOPER

It was in here. Over at that table. She bought a bottled water. How stupid is that?

Why would you come alone to a coffee shop to buy bottled water. That s*** costs

5 dollars. I literally could have given her a cup of water for free, and she still got

a Fiji. That's so classic her. Jenna would do such ridiculous things just to show

that she was independent. I wasn't allowed to drive, I wasn't allowed to pick out

my clothes, I had to wear a paper bag over my head whenever we had sex, she

wouldn’t even let me acknowledge her in public. I was such a b****, and I was

ok with it, like a b****. Sometimes she would handcuff me so she wouldn’t have

to worry about me actually trying to do something to her in bed. Women have

always made me a little…weak you could say. And she just seemed so far out

of my league that I wouldn't even think of breaking up. It was awful man. So,

one day she comes up to me and says, 'Cooper, I'm a lesbian and there's nothing

you can do about it. I will please women in ways you can't even dream' and I

MARGO

COOPER

Mmm.. That sucked… anyway what about you? How did you get into the whole

Internet romance shi-bang?

MARGO

It's actually kind of weird...my dad-

COOPER (Slightly Disgusted)

Your dad is the reason you write romance novels?

MARGO

Yeah. Before he left, he once read this totally cliché story I wrote. Ya know,

boy meets girl, they fall in love, and they get married and have two point five

kids. So he read it and afterwards he gave me this...this smile and told me that he

loved it! He loved it and that I should keep writing because he's never seen me

so happy before. The weird thing though was that I hated it, I hated every single

minute that I spent writing down that garbage. I mean I was in seventh grade,

what did I know about romance?! Now I spend a majority of my life writing s***

stories for 57 women and one shmuck who thinks that this is what romance is,

this is what they want. I can't blame them; sometimes it's easier to live in this lie

COOPER (Teasingly)

Wow...I thought you were just gonna say you were ugly in high school, so you

write these stories to live out the fantasies you never got to.

MARGO

COOPER

Is that the only reason you write?

MARGO

I don't know, I never really thought about it till now, which is actually a bit

COOPER

You're a bit depressing.

MARGO

That was my senior superlative.

COOPER

MARGO

COOPER

Ah, and I'm best dressed. Nice to meet you.

(They both look down. COOPER plays with things

behind the counter, trying to look busy. Margo looks

back at her work then at COOPER, watching him as

he messes with items behind the counter. She smiles

suddenly getting an idea.)

So… Where do you get your visors?

COOPER

MARGO

Because for some reason I imagine something like a huge store that only sells clothes for

COOPER(Laughing)

And in this barista store… what do they sell?

MARGO

Like, khaki pants and aprons, but mainly they'd sell visors. Hundred and hundreds of

lame visors with stupid phrases on them lining the walls. Baristas from all over the world

would come to buy the perfect khaki-apron-visor coffee shop combo. It would be a coffee

(They both stare off, thinking about it. COOPER looks down.)

COOPER

...I get mine out of a catalog.

MARGO

COOPER

(They both chuckle)

MARGO

COOPER

(She leans close in to COOPER with a smile. As they get

super close, MARGO leans in for a kiss. COOPER hears a

beeping on a machine.)

COOPER

(COOPER turns around and walks away. MARGO is

resting her head on her arm. Her arm slips from under her

head and she slams her head on the counter. COOPER

doesn't notice. She tries to play it cool.)

COOPER

Sorry bout that. What were you asking?

MARGO

I was thinking that maybe, if you didn’t think I was a total weirdo or whatever

you would like to go on a d-

(Suddenly a trickle of blood begins to flow from

MARGO’S nose, caused by her slamming her face on the

counter.)

COOPER

Oh my god, MARGO your nose!

(He starts throwing bundles of napkins from behind the

counter at her face.)

MARGO

It's fine, I wanted to ask if you would like to go-

COOPER

No, it's not fine! Your brain could be bleeding, or you could have a concussion.

You could be DYING!

Forget the f'g nosebleed. I just want to know if you want to go on a date

MARGO

COOPER

Oh, a date? Well…I don’t know about that.

MARGO

COOPER

Uh, well I did just watch you crush a coffee cup against your head. I don’t

usually date girls who do that.

MARGO

No, you just date sadistic bitches that don’t give a s*** about you or anything but

COOPER

…you don’t know me.

MARGO

What? You think you’re an extraordinary person who is so different from every

one else? You work at a coffee shop, there’s nothing great about you. And I'm

not going to let you reject me. We are going on a date sometime in the near

future whether you like it or not

COOPER

(Looking down, defeated)

(MARGO screams again, exasperated)

WHAT?! What is your problem?! I said yes!

MARGO

It shouldn’t be that easy! You just let someone you don't know order you around.

You're so submissive… (Trailing off beginning to think about something.)

Actually could I ask you a few questions? (She runs over to her things to grab a

notebook and pen, as she is doing so she slips on the messy papers. She once

again tries to play it off like nothing happened.)

COOPER

MARGO

Hypothetically, how easily do you bruise?

COOPER

Its weird that you ask that because I was just thinking that earlier today that my

skin is probably one of the most easily marked things ever!

MARGO

Interesting…interesting. And has anyone ever asked you to call them Master

COOPER

This old high school girlfriend did but I always thought it was just some weird

MARGO(chuckling to herself)

Oh I bet, I bet. Last one, spankings…yes or no?

COOPER(Taken aback)

What?! I’m not answering that!

MARGO

Remember this is all hypothetical.

COOPER

I don’t care! I am not answering that! I’m not being a part of whatever kinky

internet thing you’re writing!

MARGO(Very sternly)

 COOPER

UGH…ok…(mumbling) yes.

MARGO

I’m sorry, what was that?

COOPER

MARGO(full on grinning by now)

Great! So we’re going on a date.

(MARGO starts laughing gleefully, having

caught in a catch-22, and obviously has no idea what

tons of fun with this. COOPER is

COOPER(A bit weirded out)

What do you want from me?

MARGO (Giggling throughout)

I need you to stop being a b****. What I want from you is experience. I have

never in my life been chained to a bed, so how am I supposed to write about it?

How am I supposed to convey these feelings that I've never felt? (COOPER

shrugs). Exactly. Together, I can get real life love experience and teach you to

not be a wet towel. Now ask me out right now.

COOPER

Hey, I resent that. If I was a towel, I'd be dry as hell. But yes, I think I can see

what you're saying. Now I'm saying this because I WANT to say it. (He clears

his throat) Margo, I think it would be really nice if… uh ya know… went…

dating. (MARGO chuckles) What?! Fine, if you don't want to…

MARGO(Smiling)

NO! I do. I just think you're cute when you stutter like a 7 year old.

COOPER

MARGO(Leaning closer)

COOPER(Also smiling, leaning in)

( She pulls him across the counter, so half of his body is over

it, and kisses him. The actors movements should be big and

overdone, a lot of awkward groping and moaning. A bell is heard,

and a door opening.)

COOPER(From where he is over the

counter.)

Hello, welcome to the Coffee Stag. How can I help you?

BLACKOUT