The Twilight Moms Club

February 17, 2013
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Mary Lynn
Megan, Linda's daughter

[Six women in their mid- to late- forties are sitting on a sofa (Karen, Cynthia, Linda, Mary Lynn) and loveseat (Patty and Charlene) in Linda’s basement. They are all wearing Twilight t-shirts, and the room is decorated with Twilight paraphernalia. All women are presumably "Twi-Moms". They appear to be a bit brainwashed.]

All: (to audience, in cult-like voices) Hi. Welcome to the Twilight Mom Club.

Mary Lynn: I'm Mary Lynn.

Karen: I'm Karen.

Charlene: I'm Charlene.

Patty: I'm Patty.

Cynthia: I'm Cynthia.

Linda: And I'm Linda, the founder of the TwiMom Club.

Charlene: We are all hopelessly obsessed with Twilight, it's our religion.

Mary Lynn: My kids think I am mentally ill. Truth is, I'd rather watch the Twilight movies than Spongebob Squarepants.

Linda: Agreed, Mary Lynn. My husband and daughter don't even know me anymore. They both hate Twilight. Get this, both of them like Harry Potter!

(the remaining five gasp)

Stephen King!

(collective gasp)

Ernest Hemingway!

(collective gasp)

and Ray Bradbury, most recently!

(collective gasp)

Charlene: Divorce Dave!

Patty: Disown Megan!

Linda: (ignoring Charlene and Patty) I saw Megan reading Fahrenheit 451 recently and I thought, “how can she read that when she could be enjoying a steamy vampire romance?

(All members show signs of disapproval, such as booing, facepalm, rolling of eyes, and starting to cry. Brief silence as Linda speaks)

Linda: True story.

(disapproval continues)

Karen: (notices Patty is crying) TISSUES?

(Karen pulls a box of Kleenex out from under the table. The box has a Twilight print. She passes the box around.)

(Patty is sobbing, Charlene pats her on the back and hugs her.)

Charlene: It's okay, sugar cakes. We are too cool for Dave and Megan. They don’t have the brainpower to appreciate Twilight the way we do!

Linda: Okay girls. When you go home tonight, remember to mark your calendars for the Breaking Dawn part 2 premiere. The six of us are going to fly to Los Angeles for the premiere in June!

Cynthia: (writing in a Twilight-themed planner) Done! And Done!

Linda: Good. Now, on with our discussion. (pulls out a card) Today's question from the Daily TwiMoms eNewsletter which I subscribe to (pauses, takes time to read card) Ooh, this is gutsy. Are you willing to leave your husband for Robert Pattinson?

(all members show signs of shock)

Karen: Well, I love Todd, and I have for seventeen years, but I think Robert Pattinson might compete against him!

(a series of "oohs")

Mary Lynn: Lucky you, Karen! My husband has threatened to leave me on numerous occasions because I love Twilight so much! Why couldn't he just take my kids with him so I could worship Twilight peacefully? Charlene, please cut me another slice of cake, I feel tears coming on!

Charlene: (leans into the Twilight cake to cut it for Mary Lynn) No problem, Mary Lynn. And Linda, I've contemplated leaving John for Robert. He brings out my inner cougar.

(a series of "oohs")

Patty: (sobbing) I still can’t get over how sad it is that Linda's husband and daughter hate Twilight. It must be so hard for you, darling.

Cynthia: Oh, who cares about Linda’s husband and daughter and their trifling writers? They don't hold a candle to Stephenie Meyer!

All: AMEN!

Linda: Now who wants to grovel before Edward Cullen? (points to a cardboard cutout of Robert Pattinson)

(The moms all start to freak out and almost huddle around the cutout, but are stopped by the sound of footsteps.)

(Megan enters, walking down steps, frustrated)

Megan: (yelling as she walks down stairs) MOM! MOOOOM! MOM!

Linda: (agitated) Yes, Megan?

Megan: (winded) Dad's having a conference call, 2 of the goldfish are dead, Pippin threw up on the sofa, and Nathan unlocked all the channels and now he's watching South Park!

Linda: (indifferently, making a shooing motion with hand) Just go fix it yourself, Meg.

Megan: Fix it myself? FIX IT MYSELF? You tell me to fix it myself every time! You need to fix your apathy!

Patty and Charlene: Oh, Snap!

Mary Lynn: (scarfing down cake, talking with mouth full) You got served, Linda!

Linda: Just get out of here, Megan. You don't like Twilight, so don't set foot in this basement ever!

Megan: Mom, I hate Twilight because I hate what it has done to you! You’re almost 50 and you are acting like a 16-year-old over a terrible excuse for a romance novel written by a terrible excuse for an author!

Linda: Your favorite authors have nothing on Stephenie Meyer!

Megan: Darn it, mom. Stephenie Meyer has no artistic ability! She has the creativity of a fence post! I wish those books would just be destroyed by sunlight like REAL vampires!

Linda: Honey, the Twilight vampires ARE real.

Megan: Real vampires don't sparkle in the sun! They shrivel up and die! Real vampires suck blood and can only be killed by a wooden stake! David Bowie pulls off the sparkle look better than Edward for Christ’s sake!

Linda: Don't be a smart aleck, Megan!

Megan: You're the one being a smart aleck! You’re leaving us behind! You love Edward more than me or Nathan or even Dad! What do I have to do to get your head out of the clouds?

(pauses, looks around, thinks for a second, and walks over to the Pattinson cut out.)

Linda: No, no, no. (furious) Megan, don't you dare touch Robert Pattinson!

Megan: (yelling) MAKE ME! (Grabs cardboard cutout and rips the head off of it)

Linda: (furious) THAT'S IT! You've gone off the deep end, Megan! Go up to your room and stay there until my girlfriends leave!

Megan: Then don’t count on me ever leaving my room, because your silly friends never leave!

(She exits, storming angrily up the stairs. She then returns to pick up the head she ripped off the cardboard cutout, waving it around like Macduff, she then cuts an enormous piece of cake in front of her mom and friends and uses the cardboard head as a plate)


(she then races upstairs to escape Linda’s clutches.)

(all the moms settle down)

Linda: (to audience, sounds rather cult-like) Well, that's all the time we have for today. Until next time…

All: We're the Twilight Moms. And if you don't like Twilight, you suck!

(Fade to Black.)

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