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Retirement

Scene opens on a room in a retirement and assisted living facility in Wisconsin, 2005. The walls are painted a plain, dreary cream/eggshell color. The floors are covered in an old, worn, orange-red, faded, stained carpeting. There are four elderly people sitting about the room, HARRY, a man of eighty five sits in an old armchair propped in front of a small, old-style television set. MARVIN, eighty, sits across from ANGUS, seventy nine, playing checkers. BARBARA, seventy six, sits by the window, arguing with a nurse.
MARVIN
Checkmate! (Does a little victory dance, pumping his fists in the air and doing the running man in his seat. Then he begins to wheeze and clutch at his heart)
ANGUS
(Mutters angrily about his defeat. Mutters about cheating bastards and knocks the checkerboard on the floor.
…Dangflabbit!
(A commercial comes on about the lottery)
HARRY
(Mockingly)
Hey, Angus. Find that lottery ticket yet?
ANGUS
I’m not lying about this ticket! You hear? One of these days I’ll remember where I put it.
HARRY
(Chuckles)
Sure, Angus. Even if you did have that missing ticket, what are the chances that your dumb ass would remember where you put it in the next century?
ANGUS
(Muttering angrily under his breath)
I’ll show them…they’ll see…then they’ll all be sorry they ever doubted me and my memory…
THOMAS, 19, enters through door USL. He greets the Nurse warmly and walks over to his grandfather.
BARBARA
Thomas! So nice to see you! Look how you’ve grown!
(Walks over to THOMAS and pinches his cheeks while smiling warmly)
THOMAS
(Looking uncomfortable and smiling uneasily)
Nice to see you too, Barbara.
ANGUS
Yea, Thomas, where ya been? Unless my memory’s getting foggy, or you haven’t been ‘round here in weeks!
HARRY
(Grumbling from in his chair, facing the other way)
Hate to break it to ya, old timer, but your memory’s s***, just like your brains and the food at this God forsaken place.
MARVIN
Oh, stop your grumbling, Harry. Sounds like someone needs a nap.
HARRY
(Mutters under his breath, mimicking MARVIN)
Someone needs a nap…I’ll show you who needs a f*ing nap…
THOMAS
Yeah, sorry I haven’t been around here in a while, I’ve had a lot on my plate.
BARBARA
What’s been goin’ on, sugar?
THOMAS
Well, I’ve just been having some money trouble. I’ve been searching for a job for weeks now, but in this economy…
MARVIN
What happened to your job at Burger King?
THOMAS
Well, the pay, um, recently became inadequate.
ANGUS
They lowered your pay?
THOMAS
No, not that, it’s just…something came up, and now I need more money.
MARVIN
Well, go on, spit it out. What came up, Thomas?
THOMAS
I, um, have a health condition, and I need surgery; expensive surgery.
MARVIN
Well, why didn’t you say so? How much do you need?
THOMAS
Really, Grandpa, don’t worry about it.
BARBARA
(Sternly)
The man asked you a question, Thomas.
THOMAS
Um…one hundred thousand dollars.
(HARRY, MARVIN, ANGUS, and BARBARA, simultaneously)
Holy s***.
THOMAS
Tell me about it.
MARVIN
Well, I wish I could say I had that kind of money lying around, but I don’t. I’m sorry.
ANGUS
We can raise the money!
MARVIN
How would we do that Angus?
BARBARA
I could bake some of those cookies you all love and we could sell them.
THOMAS
Sorry, Barbara, but no matter how good your baking is, we couldn’t sell enough cookies to raise the kind of money I need for this surgery.
ANGUS
I’ve got it! A car wash! Back in my day, those college girls did alright from those car washes.
HARRY
(Chuckles)
Look in the mirror, you old geezer. We aren’t exactly college girls.
MARVIN
Sorry, Angus, but Harry has a point. Who wants to watch us wash their cars at half the speed that they could do it themselves?
BARBARA
Hey, speak for yourselves, boys.
(THOMAS chuckles nervously)
As good as I would be at a car wash, I couldn’t pick up all of your slack. But here’s something even better.
(Pulls out a floorplan/blueprint of a bank)
I don’t know how long I’ve had this in my pocket!
(They all turn to BARBARA, staring at her with the floorplan of the bank in her hand, shocked and confused as to why a cute little old woman such as herself would have such a thing)
What? Isn’t robbing a bank on any of your bucket lists?
HARRY
(Whips out his gun)
Let’s do this.
THOMAS
Li-li-listen, guys. It’s really nice of you to offer, but it’s really unnecessary. I’ll just keep looking for a job. Plus, don’t you guys think this is a little much? I mean, robbing a bank? C’mon.
BARBARA
No, Thomas, really. I’ve always wanted to rob a bank, and let’s face it: I don’t have much time left.
ANGUS
Yeah, seriously. Wait.. not much time left for what?
(Everyone rolls their eyes at ANGUS)
MARVIN
It could be like our last hoorah.
HARRY
And we’re too damn old and have too many health conditions to get arrested.
(Mutters under his breath, smirking)
Yeah, that’s right..f*** the po-lice. I’d like to see them try and catch me..suckers.
THOMAS
(Looks at HARRY, then looks away)
Okay then…So, let’s say we go through with this, how would we possibly go about it?
BARBARA
What do you take me for, an amateur?
THOMAS
Uh, I mean…an 80-year-old woman, not a professional at robbing banks? That’s unheard of.
(Quietly and sarcastically)
BARBARA
You watch it mister, I’m 76, and I don’t look a day over 60. Do I, Angus?
ANGUS
Uh..well I..
BARBARA
(Almost growling now)
Do I, Angus??
ANGUS
Not a day over 55 if you ask me!
(nervously)
MARVIN
Well, first we each would need jobs.
BARBARA
Right. So, Tommy would be the getaway driver, Marvin and I would handle the money, and Harry would hold the hostages at gunpoint.
HARRY
Sounds good.
THOMAS
I’m really not a very good driver, I don’t know if I’m the man for the job.
ANGUS
Wait…what about me?
BARBARA
Oh, come on, Angus. You don’t even remember to wear pants when you go out. How are we supposed to trust you to take part in a heist?
THOMAS
I’m sure there’s something he can do.
ANGUS
See? There must be something.
BARBARA
Sure, Angus. I suppose you can be the lookout. You know, for the police.
HARRY
(Mutters)
F*** the police.
THOMAS
Alright, what’s next?
BARBARA
Well, now we need to figure out supplies. I’m packin’ heat, but only enough for me and someone else.
(Again, everyone turns to look at BARBARA, shocked and confused)
What? How is a woman my age supposed to protect herself in the hood?
THOMAS
Barbara, this is one of the nicest neighborhoods in Wisconsin.
BARBARA
You don’t know where my business takes me little boy.
THOMAS
(Confused)
Okay…?
BARBARA
I think we all should be packing heat.
(They all look at ANGUS)
Even Angus.
HARRY
Don’t worry, I’ve got us covered.
(Pulls out a trunk from under his armchair and pats it lovingly, as if it were his child)
ANGUS
I personally think the most important part is the outfits. I’ve got mine all planned out. All I need are some black socks.
MARVIN
What else are you planning on wearing Angus?
ANGUS
Besides what?
MARVIN
…The black socks…
ANGUS
That depends. Where am I going?
(All groan and roll their eyes)
ALL
To rob a bank!
(NURSE turns around from what she’s doing at the desk and looks at their group huddle which they’ve formed. She looks suspicious. They all immediately disperse and return to what they were doing, HARRY returns to his post in front of the television, MARVIN returns to his checker game, BARBARA goes back to looking out the window and pulls out her knitting, and ANGUS just sits there looking confused. NURSE shrugs and turns back to her paperwork.)
THOMAS
(Rolling ANGUS back over to the checkerboard, whispers)
So, you were saying what you were gonna wear besides the black socks…?
ANGUS
Oh, right. A ski mask.
MARVIN
And…?
ANGUS
Nope, that’s it.
THOMAS
What do you mean, “that’s it”? You need clothes, Angus.
ANGUS
I feel like that’s what they expect of us. Let’s be unique. Also, I figured no clothes would be more discreet.
MARVIN
(Sighs and puts his hand on his face in defeat)
Oh, God.
BARBARA
Points for originality, Angus, but I think we’ll go with the classic black jumpsuit.
MARVIN
But at least you can use the ski mask!
ANGUS
Ooh! A ski mask? What for?
(More eye rolling)
THOMAS
Barbara, I’m gonna need you to walk me through this, um, getaway driving.
BARBARA
Sure, sugar. Come over here.
(THOMAS walks over to sit by Barbara while she explains his job to him, using large hand motions which seem to make THOMAS even more nervous. HARRY waves MARVIN and ANGUS over reluctantly to show them how to handle a gun)
HARRY
(Discreetly opens his trunk of weapons, which causes MARVIN and ANGUS to step back in fear of the sheer number of dangerous and fatal objects in the old man’s possession.)
You gotta hold it strong and steady, and look the son of a b**** in the eye, like so, and scream out as loud as you can, “F*** the police!” and then pull the trigger. BANG. BANG. BANG. Three times, just to be sure you got the son of a b****. Aim for the heart, men.
(ANGUS and MARVIN look terrified by HARRY, shrinking away slowly.)
BARBARA
(Waving the other three over to look at the floor plan)
This is the most important part: getting in, getting the money, and getting the money out safely to Thomas.
MARVIN
How exactly do we do that?
BARBARA
Well, we all walk in, looking like badasses dressed all in black with those black lines under out eyes, and we yell: “This is a stick-up! Get the f*ing ground and you won’t get your face ripped the f*** off!” Then, Harry stays with the people while Marvin and I go with the bank teller to the safe with all the money and Thomas pulls up with the car, and we all run out to the car with the money, and we thank all the people very much for their cooperation and their money, and promise that their insurance will cover it.
HARRY
Sounds simple enough.
THOMAS
I don’t know guys…you know, I could just get a job.
(Angus opens a book and something falls out of it. He picks it up and examines it)
BARBARA
Always with the easy way out, Tommy. Come on, buck up.
ANGUS
Hey guys…
HARRY
Yeah, really. Don’t pu**y out now.
ANGUS
Guys?
MARVIN
Maybe Tommy’s right.
ANGUS
Guys!
ALL
What??
ANGUS
Look what I found!
(Holds up a winning lottery ticket from almost a year earlier)
MARVIN
Hey, it’s a lottery ticket. Wait a minute, (Eyes widen)
Is this really it, Angus? The winning lottery ticket you’re always going on about?
ANGUS
Hmm…I guess so.
THOMAS
Did you finally remember where you put it?
HARRY
(Laughs)
What are the chances of that?
ANGUS
I was using it as a bookmark in a book so I wouldn’t keep forgetting my place, but then I guess I forgot I was reading the book.
BARBARA
Of course you did, Angus.

MARVIN

How much was that worth again?
THOMAS
Says here it’s worth half a million dollars!
BARBARA
Well, I guess we don’t need the heist anymore.
HARRY
Hey, no need to waste a good plan. We still need a last hoorah.
MARVIN
If we went through with it, we’d have enough money for Tommy’s surgery and we’d be the richest old geezers in the country.
ANGUS
You know what this means?
THOMAS
What?
ANGUS
What?
THOMAS
What does this mean?
ANGUS
What does what mean?
ALL
(Roll eyes)
ANGUS!
ANGUS
Oh, right. It means…
We BALLIN’!



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NickBottom said...
Jan. 18, 2013 at 3:47 pm:
Hillarious! I love it. I can totally imagine Harry. It's great.
 
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