Interview with the Crazy Lizard Chick

January 7, 2013
By hannahc. SILVER, Sacramento, California
hannahc. SILVER, Sacramento, California
8 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If I cannot swear in heaven I shall not go there." –Mark Twain

Lydia Slater, only 17, made headlines all across "Small but Proud" Armona, California with the publication "The Conscious Lizards," a borderline paranoid account of practices by the lizards in her house. The 25-page report included summaries of rituals such as pilgrimages to the house, late-night candlelit ceremonies, and theft of household items; photos of damage to the house by these critters; and a comprehensive field journal of various types of evidence. Charmingly described by the <i>Hanford Sentinel</i> as "[expletive deleted] insane," she is here today to discuss the publication.
Hannah Craig: So. You're the crazy lizard chick.
Lydia Slater: I suppose that is my title now.
Craig: That can't come as a surprise, right? I mean, I read that thing. You're talking about lizards coming in and <i>hiding your backpack in a piano. </i> That's not <i>physically possible. </i>
Slater: They possess mind powers.
Craig: Mind powers?
Slater: They are highly evolved lizards.
<i>(I took a moment of silence to fully appreciate this little factoid.) </i>
Craig: Well. Yes. I think we can all go and read the book on our own time, so why don't we learn a little more about <i>you</i>. When did the telekinetic lizards first come to your attention?
Slater: The summer before my investigation, I was tortured by mosquitoes every night. Three, five, ten bites a night. It was unbearable. And so I journeyed to REI and purchased the most effective mosquito net I could find.
Craig: What about <i>shutting your door?</i> Do the mosquitoes have mind powers too?
Slater: I've detailed no conclusive evidence, but it's certainly a possibility.
Craig: Intriguing. But the lizards?
Slater: As it would happen, I am not the most construction-minded person on the planet, and I wasn't completely sure of the mechanics of such fickle devices as hammers, so I tried to staple the net into stability. But instead I glued the stapler to my ceiling.
Craig: You tried to <i>glue</i> a mosquito net to your <i>ceiling? </i>
Slater: No, I attempted to staple the net to my ceiling.
Craig: Where did the glue come from?
Slater: I think the wall, maybe.
Craig: You have glue-secreting walls?
Slater: Did you not read that in the report? It's an essential component of the lizards' wall-walking abilities.
Craig: <i>Why </i>do you have glue-secreting walls?
Slater: Our house is old.
Craig: My house is old, too. I have leaded water and an imploded bathroom. I <i>don't</i> have <i>glue-secreting</i> walls.
Slater: This isn't the focus of the interview, is it?
Craig: The focus of this interview is to mock stupid people. This is perfect.
Slater: Oh.
Craig: Your story isn't done, is it? You haven't even mentioned lizards.
Slater: Well, after gluing the stapler to my ceiling, I decided to utilize the hammer. Unfortunately, this ended in six-inch hole in my wall.
<i>(There was a pause as I tried to imagine how one could possibly fail this incredibly.)</i>
Craig: You know you're supposed to hammer the <i> nails, </i> not the <i> wall, </i> right?
Slater: They don't really make that clear in the instructions.
<i>(There was another pause as I tried to imagine how one could possibly be stupid enough to do the things in my imagination.)</i>
Slater: Anyway, when we redid the ceiling-
Craig: I thought the hole was in your wall?
Slater: My family isn't very construction-minded, either.
Craig: Your family isn't very good at recognizing where holes are in your house?
Slater: Evidentially.
craig: That's…not a <i>skill.</i> That's just…being able to <i>see.</i>
Slater: I don't know. But when we redid the ceiling, I discovered lizard tracks and little holes up there. And the night after we finished, the stapler was gone. I looked down the hole, and, seeing lizards in there, I started paying attention. I started noticing that there were a lot of dead lizards in my room, especially near my pillow.
Craig: You <i>started</i> noticing there were dead lizards in your bed?
Slater: Yeah.
Craig: You mean they were there before and you<i> didn't </i>notice?
Slater: Well, sometimes. But I had failed to notice any patterns. This was when I began recording the number of lizards in my room each day compared to the disappearance of my objects. When graphed, there was a definite correlation.
Craig: So…when objects go missing in your house…your first thought is, "The lizards are building civilizations in my walls?"
Slater: Graphs are never wrong, Ms. Craig.
<i>(It was difficult to maintain the semblance of a legitimate interview at this point, but I tried my best.) </i>
Craig: What about those journal entries? What in God's good name could have convinced you that a worthwhile summer activity would be sitting in front of your door recording hours of minute-by-minute observations of tiny reptiles in your backyard?
Slater: I don't have a lot of friends.
Craig: This sounds like a bit of a chicken-and-egg scenario to me.
Slater: Well, at first, I only watched them in the afternoon for a few hours at a time, but in July I was awakened early in the morn by a mysterious humming noise.
Craig: I'm 99% sure lizards don't hum.
Slater: The humming was my air conditioner, actually. But once I was awake, I went to look at my window, and I saw lights in my backyard. I crept outside to investigate, and I saw eight solar-powered flameless candles in a circle, with a lizard next to them.
Craig: Were you…<i> missing</i> the candles?
Slater: Usually they're in a line.
Craig: Well, that's damning evidence if I've ever seen it.
Slater: Maybe to you, but in Advanced Placement we're taught more scientific rigor than that. It was then that I determined nothing was as important as a comprehensive report on the behavior of these strange creatures.
Craig: Oh. Yes. It was<i> brimming </i>with scientific rigor.
Slater: Are you being facetious?
Craig: Is that the Advanced Placement word for 'dripping with sarcasm?'
Slater: You have terrible interview questions.
Craig: Oh, we're just getting started. Why don't we get to talking about that "Lizard Religion" you had going on there, huh?
Slater: That was my favorite chapter.
Craig: I tried. I swear to the God of Sarcasm, I tried. There was no way that was ever going to make sense.
Slater: Really? I didn't think it was excruciatingly complicated.
Craig: It was more excruciatingly insane than complicated.
Slater: Well, the basic tenant of the religion is the household as a kind of "Holy Land." Judging by the incredibly high number of dead lizards found in my room, I theorized the majority of dying lizards made a kind of "final pilgrimage" to my bed. Lizards that could not make this pilgrimage were seen being carried there by compatriots.
<i>(I would like to note repetition does not make these things sound less insane.)</i>
Craig: Are you calling yourself a…Lizard God?
Slater: I don't believe any such terms adequately describe this religion.
Craig: Trust me, I can think of <i>plenty</i> of terms that adequately describe this religion.
Slater: I don't like your terms.
Craig: I don't like your religion.
Slater: It's not <i>my</i> religion. It's the <i>lizard</i> religion. And I don't like it either! You know how many necklaces I've lost to the Worshippings of the Shiny Things?
Craig: It can't be more than the number of brain cells I've lost from this interview.
Slater: I'm sorry.
Craig: One more question. Now, about the hypnotic abilities…
Slater: Yes?
Craig: The <i>hell?</i>
<i>(There was a moment as the interviewee attempted to make sense of this epithet.) </i>
Slater: That's…that's not a question.
Craig: My mind wouldn't entertain the idea long enough to form a question about it.
Slater: Then…why are you bringing it up?
Craig: It entertained the idea long enough to make sarcastic comments about it.
Slater: Oh.
Craig: I think we're done here.
Slater: Okay.
Craig: You're insane, you know that?
Slater: Yes.
Craig: And a waste of time?
Slater: Probably.
Craig: A waste of <i> oxygen. </i>
Slater: I know.
Craig: Get out.
<i> This concludes the long awaited Sarcastic Interview #1. </i>

The author's comments:
I wrote this very, very loosely based off a short story "Life in the Slater Home," which can be seen on deviantart or hopefully here, if approved. I don't have a lot of practice writing scripts though, and I think it would sound better filmed or as a short story. Tell me if anyone does shoot it.

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This article has 1 comment.

on Jan. 18 2013 at 8:46 am
Pitlov622 BRONZE, Pelham, New Hampshire
3 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is not about waiting for the storm to end, it's about learning to dance in the rain!!! (written by someone else, not me)...

weird, but different. it was really funny. I liked this script. :)   If you dont mind checking out some of my stories and commenting that would be great. Im always looking for improvements i can make.


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