FADE IN:
Int. Kitchen. Day.
JAMES (15-16) is sitting at a table with a gallon jug of nonfat milk an empty glass, and a laptop with a word document open. He pours milk into the glass. The door opens.
ENTER NICOLAS CAGE (15-16) and PERCIVAL (15-16).
PERCIVAL:
(Angrily, pointing)
YOU!
JAMES:
C’EST MOI.
PERCIVAL:
YOU’RE JAMES HEISSNER!
JAMES:
THAT’S MY NAME, PERCIVAL. FEEL FREE TO WHERE IT OUT.
James chugs his glass of milk.
NICOLAS CAGE:
WHY ARE YOU DRINKING MILK?
JAMES:
DO YOU FIND IT OFFENSIVE? AND WHO ARE YOU EXACTLY?
NICOLAS CAGE:
I’M A FICTIONALIZED VERSION OF NICOLAS CAGE.
JAMES:
YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE NICOLAS CAGE.
NICOLAS CAGE:
HENCE THE FICTIONALIZED PART. BUT, FOR ALL INTENTS, PURPOSES, AND WHAT HAVE YOU’S, I AM THE GHOST RIDER.
JAMES:
I WILL TRY NOT TO HOLD THAT AGAINST YOU. I’LL PROBABLY FAIL, BUT I’LL TRY.
NICOLAS CAGE:
I APPRECIATE THAT. NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE PUT IN THE EFFORT.
JAMES:
WELL, I LIKED “NATIONAL TREASURE”. BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
PERCIVAL:
HE’S WITH ME!
JAMES:
SO I GATHERED, PERCIVAL. BUT I DIDN’T KNOW WHO HE WAS, WHICH ISN’T POSSIBLE, BECAUSE HE’S SOMEHOW WOUND UP IN MY SCRIPT.
NICOLAS CAGE:
SCRIPT? WAIT, THIS IS A MOVIE?
PERCIVAL:
DUDE, YOU WERE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL EARLIER.
JAMES:
WELL, TECHNICALLY, THIS IS A YOUTUBE VIDEO, ONE THAT PROBABLY WON’T GET POSTED FOR A QUITE A WHILE BECAUSE MY EDITOR’S A LAZY SWEAR BLEEP.
NICOLAS CAGE:
YOUTUBE? MY CAREER HAS GONE THAT FAR DOWN HILL?
JAMES:
APPARENTLY. BUT ANYWAY, I KNOW WHY YOU’RE HERE PERCIVAL. YOU WANT ME TO LET YOU ACHIEVE YOUR GOAL.
PERCIVAL:
YOU HAVE TO! IT IS MY PURPOSE, MY MISSION FROM GOD-
NICOLAS CAGE:
(Interrupting)
YOU’RE A BLUES BROTHER?
PERCIVAL:
(To Nicolas Cage)
SHUT UP! (to James) IT’S MY MISSION TO BECOME THE CRAZIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD! TO ACHIEVE A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF INSANITY! BUT YOU WON’T LET ME BECAUSE YOU WON’T WRITE THOSE SCENES INTO YOUR SCRIPT!
JAMES:
WHAT AN ASTUTE OBSERVATION YOU’VE MADE THEIR.
PERCIVAL:
CAN’T YOU AT LEAST TELL ME WHY?!
JAMES:
(Shrugging, rhetorically)
BECAUSE I’M A JERK?
NICOLAS CAGE:
REALLY? YOU? YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY.
JAMES:
NA… NA NA NANANANA HEY JUDE. TRUST ME I’M A TOTAL JERK. JUST ASK… EVERYONE I’VE EVER MET.
PERCIVAL:
BUT WE CAME ALL THIS WAY! WE BLAZING SADDLES’D OUR WAY HERE, AND YOU WON’T LET ME SUCCEED?! YOU’RE ACTUALLY GONNA MASS EFFECT 3 YOUR OWN BRAINCHILD?! WHAT THE HELL!?
JAMES:
I GUESS SO. BESIDES, THE ONLY REASON I WON’T LET ACHIEVE A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF INSANITY IS BECAUSE I HAVEN’T COME UP WITH A GOOD WAY TO WRITE THAT.
NICOLAS CAGE:
BUT YOU’RE JAMES HEISSNER, THE GREATEST WRITER/DIRECTORS OF OUR TIME!
JAMES:
(Laughs)
NO I’M NOT. I’M A SULLEN, ANTISOCIAL TEENAGE BOY WHO FANCIES HIMSELF TO BE THE MISUNDERSTOOD LONER BUT REALLY JUST HAS TOO MUCH FREE TIME ON HIS HANDS. I DREAM OF BEING THE GREATEST WRITER/DIRECTOR OF OUR TIME SOMEDAY, JOSS WHEDON MINUS ALIEN RESSURECTION, IF YOU WILL. BUT RIGHT NOW I’M JUST DAYDREAMING WHAT THIS SCENE WILL LOOK LIKE WHILE I ATTEMPT TO STEAL HALLOWEEN CANDY FROM MY LITTLE SISTER’S ROOM. AND SINCE I’M HAVING VERY LITTLE SUCCESS AT THAT, I IMAGINE WE’LL ALL BE SHUT OUT OF CONSCIOUS THOUGHT VERY SOON. I’M HOPING NEXT TIME THIS DAYDREAM RESUMES WE CAN HAVE DAVID TENNANT, CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON, AND MATT SMITH SINGING A BARBER SHOP QUARTET VERSION OF WHITE AND NERDY, ANDREW GARFIELD BEATING TOBEY MAGUIRE WITH A STICK, SCARLETT JOHANSON, AND I’LL HAVE THOUGHT OF A WAY TO WRITE A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF INSANITY. FADE TO BLACK.
FADE TO BLACK.
End scene.