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Schadenfreude.

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Schadenfreude.

[On the walkway of Cumberland Avenue. East of Park Royal, London, UK]
A: Mr. Fitzgerald, it's a fair day today. Why don't you come over for a cup of afternoon tea?
B: Quite right you are dear chap. It's a very nice day indeed. Let's go enjoy some tea, I'll bring over some scones while we're at it.

[Inside Johannson's house/apartment/living quarters]
[Person A pours person B some Earl Grey]
A: Wotcha Watson! Tell me. Why did the teabag have to do laundry?
B: Ohooo~ how I do enjoy riddles and whatnot! Why dear sir, did the teabag have to do laundry?
A: Because my friend, it was stained! Stained I tell you!
[Both men burst into imbecilic laughter]
B: That is quite the tale old chap. I have not heard something so riveting and yet preposterous in a such a lifetime. You, my friend, have talent.
[Person A attempts to take out a cig ar, but Person B is faster at the draw]
B: Would you like a fag, my friend?
A: I would be delighted old chap have I not have been developing a serious case of lung cancer.
B: What?
A: -Trollface- (There are reference pics on the third page.)

[The two friends move into the study to further discuss matters]
B: .... And then the man told me he was a miner and that miners don't drink! What blasphemy!
A: You sure are always at the right places at the right time my dear china plate! I wish I was there!
B: It seems that the evening sun is setting, I'm afraid I will have to take my leave soon.
A: No no please stay for supper, we are having bangers and mash. It's a family recipe.
B: Bangers and mash! Well I'd be delighted! It's better than to go home to my trouble and strife.

[At the dinner table]
B: These sausages are quite tender and juicy might I add. -Makes strange chewing noises-
C: Thank you! I always try my best to pick out the good ones.
A: These are remarkably delicious!
B: Quite.
[Awkward Silence]
B: As I was saying, your friend is quite the cook Mr. Johansen.
A: Quite quite. It's getting quite late. I bid you farewell, Mr. Fitzgerald; May we have another interesting time of tea next time. -Shows him the way out-
[Fitzgerald exits the scene]
C: O_o
A: Right right dear chap. I won't invite him over for supper again next time.
[A looks at his expensive golden pocket-watch]
A: Oh dear, I'd get going. I am terribly late for the literature club. Tally ho!
[Exits, Scene ends here]
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[A arrives at the literature club, D is talking to B]
D: ...and it said that a pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
[D bursts into laughter, and everyone else just blankly stares]
A: Oho! Fitzgerald, I never knew you went to this club too, are you enjoying yourself?
B: Oh, how much I am indeed.
D: Now today we will be discussing Sherlock Holmes and his partner Watson.
A: Oh let me tell you two a story of mine about a certain case encountered by Watson and Sherlock Holmes. They were to go to a motel for this case but it had no more vacant rooms, so they had to camp outside in a tent. In the middle of the night they both woke up with a start and Sherlock asked Watson what he thought of when he saw the night sky. Watson told Sherlock that he would think of distant stars and planets. Oh and here's the most astounding part of them all..
D: Well, go on then, do tell us about it.
A: Sherlock said to Watson, “No you idiot, our tent has been stolen”
[All three men burst into yet more imbecilic laughter]
B: Glorious exposition Comrade!
D: I do think that Watson is quite the man of the century!
A: Really? I do not seem to be so fond of my dear old self.
B: Just between the three of us, I think Watson was bloody marvellous.
A: What? Are ye two daft?
B: Come on now. Just belt up would you?
A: No one here is going to tell me to indulge myself in the art of occluding one's Orbicularis Oris, you lumpish tickle-brained pignut.
B: How dare you insult me like that in such a seemingly pointless manner. I’ll have you out of this club this instant you yeasty reeling-ripe moldwarp.
[D rises from his seat and heads towards a bookcase]
D: I have to go to the loo, I’ll be back in a moment's time. Toodleloo~
A: Fitzgerald, I challenge you to a gentleman's fight of courage and bravery; also known as a Duel.
B: Johannsen, I accept your challenge. May the force be with you..
A: ... Quite riveting this tale you're speaking of truly is.
[The lights turn off and A and B disappear out of sight, you hear sounds of a fight...The lights turn back on and you see A and B slapping each other in rapid succession]
A: Take that, and that.
[Both men successively flap their arms about and cause a ruckus inside the entire club]
A: Oh my dear god, it's 5pm. It's time for my afternoon nap.
[A dabs his mouth with a handkerchief, then falls asleep instantly]
B: WHAT? Did you say-
[B yawns and falls asleep also. D comes back, stares at the two gentlemen and walks offstage with vivid contempt]

Fin.

Page 2 of 3
Character List:

Person A: Any person you want him to be. Preferably having a decent British accent and has knowledge of cockney slang. His name is Johansen and he is the tenant of the house.
Person B: Same description as person A. However, he has a slightly more greedy personality and is a bit more light-hearted about things. His name is Watson Fitz.
Person C: The owner of the house(The Landlord).
Person D: He is the vice president of the Literature Club.

Slang & Other Terms:

Fag: Slang word for a cigar.
Blasphemy: Unacceptable behaviour(in this case).
China Plate: Cockney slang for mate(as in a friend).
Bangers and Mash: Mashed potatoes and sausages.
Trouble and Strife: Cockney slang for wife.
Tender: Soft of delicate in substance.
Juicy: Full of juice.(Ahaha.)
O_O, O_o, o_O, and ._. are all faces whereas the O's and .'s act as eyes while the _ is the mouth.
Bloody: Usually used as an exclamation of surprise.
Daft: It means stupid.
Belt up: To shut up. You get it, belt, zip, shut?
Lumpish tickle-brained pignut and yeasty reeling-ripe moldwarp are both insults that Shakespeare used.
Loo: it sounds funny, but it's really just the toilet.
Trollface:

References:
Line 17: The “miner” was suppose to be a joke for a “minor”- an underage person. The joke there is that underage drinking is illegal therefore meaning they can't drink, which therefore concludes that they can't drink. Haha.



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IrenieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 17, 2013 at 4:09 am
I read your play and I enjoyed it but there are a few things you could do better. The English mannerisms seem forced and unnatural. And it would be better to label your character's names instead "person A" and so on. Otherwise, very good job. If you feel like looking at MY play, "Parched", I would really appreciate it. Thanks, Irene
 
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