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Hamler: A Remake
Hamlet, in the castle’s kitchen, baking a rather peculiar omelet.
Enter King Claudius
Hamlet: Oh, good morrow king!
King: What doth thou holdest Hamlet?
Hamlet: Thou breakfast, sire.
King: (pause) I fear for my life.
Hamlet: Surely thou hast nothing to fear.
King: Tis true…
Hamlet: Dost thou conscience say otherwise?
King: What is it that thou are speaking of?
Hamlet: Thou knowst very well.
King: Pray tell.
Hamlet: I have been visited by the ghost of my father. He speaketh of his murder to me.
King: Why, what hast thou learned of it?
Hamlet: He spake to me of being poisoned by his own blood. A brother that now assumes the throne.
King: Surely you are mad!
Hamlet: You speak of your own self! Admit to it now, uncle, or I will avenge my father’s death, by taking thous!
King: I will never admit to such a thing!
Hamlet: Then, we must duel.
Hamlet draws a light saber. Claudius, anger rising, draws his own saber.
The battle commences.
King: You didst not make mine breakfast out of kindness nephew!
King: What has thou placed in mine omelet?
Hamlet: Behold for yourself!
Hamlet reaches for the pan. The king starts to turn away, but Hamlet flips the omelet out. It hits the King on the side of the face. Poison leaks out, and cascades into his ear. He stammers, falls, and becomes still.
King: (slowly, struggling) To sleep: perchance to dream…
Hamlet: Tis the end for you, but not all. Alas, the enemy is lifeless. My father, avenged. My grief, departed.
Hamlet: (in shock) Be this another ghost?!
Ophelia: On no account, dear Hamlet. Thine eyes do not beseech thee. I only forged my decease to escape these former calamities. But at this instant that hast passed. And now, now we are together again.
Hamlet: O sweet honeysuckle love-springing nymph! Ophelia, how I’ve longed for you, thou enchanting pace-royal sweet-meat.
Ophelia: All is well Hammy, my candied tender-smelling wafer-cake, my chafe less life-rendering kicksy-wicksy. All is well
Curtains close for the last time.