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Orientation to Hell
Welcome. Thanks for coming so soon. We were expecting you a bit later, but we always welcome a newcomer when they’re ready. Alright, let’s begin.
Each day is a new set of rotations. You have to be at your station at exactly the time we tell you. There will be a new time every day and we will tell you approximately one minute before you must be there. If you are late, you must repeat the station again the next day. If you are early you must start the station early.
The first station is pretty simple. To your right, you will see the toilets. When your station is activated, you will have the sudden urge to use the restroom. Unfortunately, whenever you attempt to use a toilet it will move out from underneath you. If you catch a toilet, which is extremely unlikely, you will not be able to relieve yourself until after you have sung your least favorite song fifty times. If you do not catch a toilet, proceed to the next toilet. If you use the restroom anywhere other than the toilet, you are disqualified and must repeat the station again the next day.
Each station is unique and they get progressively more aggravating as you move on. Depending on your personal “I-was-a-bad-person’’ score, you will have a certain number of days within the rotation. You will never be able to know when your days run out, nor will you be able to keep track of how many days you’ve been here. As you move further on, stations will become more personal to you. You will understand that more later.
Once you have completed your allotted days, which do not count repeated or failed days, you will be transferred to Heaven. I must warn you, however, that many people do not enjoy heaven as much after experiencing Hell. Heaven is set up in the same manner; you do a repeated task. Instead of it being a monotonous, painful, annoying, irritating, or unbearable task like you will be performing here it is one that brings you great joy. Many people find this to be relieving at first, but utterly anticlimactic eventually. Then, they will perform an act that does not impress your managers and they will be sent back to Hell promptly for another round. Many find this constant transference to be, what they call, “the real Hell.’’
Here. If you have any questions, you may call me on this extremely large telephone that you must always keep in your pocket. You must only call me at 6:00 in the morning or evening but you can never know the real time. If you call me at the wrong time, your telephone privileges will be taken away for exactly six days.
A few more things until you’re left to your own devices. You will often experience hunger in Hell, about as often as you did on Earth. Between stations, you can get something to eat from a selection of your least favorite foods over there in the cafe. The lunch lady, Helvete, will ring you up. Never mention anything pleasant to her, she will proceed to burp in your face. Only insult her looks. If you don’t offer an insult she will wail and everyone will stare at you and insult you to make you feel extremely self-conscious. Everything costs $6.66 but you will always be a few cents short of that. In order to pay for that extra few cents, you must complete your least favorite exercise for ten minutes for each cent you are short.
I would offer advice to you, but that’s not how we do things here. Instead, I will make some statements that will either be the opposite of the opposite of the opposite of the opposite of the opposite of the opposite of what you will want to do or not. You may find these statements to be confusing.
Always never introduce your friends to your enemies of their friends.
Sometimes occasionally talk in pig-latin but only on three out of five Tuesdays and never on Saturdays but maybe on Fridays.
There is an ongoing pacifist fight between and against Helvete, Elle, and Pakao. Generally intervene without moving until you reach the verge of intervention.
If you don’t follow these explicit rules with utmost sincerity, you will be withdrawn from human interaction for six months.
Worst of luck, my friend. I hope to see you suffer gracefully.