Roonie and the Witch

December 18, 2017
By Anonymous

Roonie checked his tie and robes in the mirror at least a hundred times. He flicked his wand and chanted the spell, “Time time, may you tick, let a bushy beard grow quick!” He was attempting to grow an instant beard. He read somewhere that ladies like guys with facial hair. So, for the past half hour, Roonie had been trying to grow a luscious, desirable, beard. He wanted to look presentable tonight, afterall, he was going on a blind date. Roonie was exceptionally uneasy and jittery because he had never really been a “lady magnet.” Most women just saw him as messy, muddled, disheveled, or just a plain a slob. Although, he couldn’t really counter them. He was a monstrosity of a mess. His tiny apartment was filthy and filled to the brim with countless objects he didn’t need. Piles of books teetered over him in his study, ready to tumble down at a miniscule gust of a breeze. Food containers were everywhere to be found. Roonie was convinced that molds yet to be discovered by mankind were creeping up in strange, musty corners of his bachlorpad, yet, Roonie somehow managed to get a date, and he was determined not to mess it up.

He hopped on his broom and he was on his way. As he whizzed through the sky, his own destructive mind took him to a somber place. Roonie was imagining all of the things that could possibly go wrong. What if he tripped on his way in and she left, thinking he was a great cretin. What if his tongue suddenly stopped working and he couldn't form any words. Worst of all, what if she found out that he was a gigantic, colossal, massive slob. That was the most heinous thought of all. Roonie’s slovenliness was the majority of his botheration. Not only that, but he feared he picked a substandard place for a date. He was meeting her at Dragon Juice, his favorite place for a drink. He wanted something he was comfortable with, something familiar. Since eating and drinking was one of Roonie’s favorite hobbies, Dragon Juice seemed like the perfect fit. However it wasn’t exactly the most romantic spot. Peculiar, ominous men lurked in the back corner of the darkened hideout. Bizarre drinks were often served, and now that he thought about it, none of them were really all that tasty. Roonie wanted to kick himself for making a poor choice. Nevertheless, he was already almost there. When he landed, he walked in and the only female he saw in the room was a sporty, healthy, young witch, and boy was she a looker.

She was wearing top brand running shoes. She was short, elegant, and very intimidating. Roonie gulped, he would not want to cross her. Her long, thick, jet black hair was pulled back in a loose, high ponytail. Her features were sharp, like she could stand out in a crowd. Her long, thin fingers did not match the rest of her body. She was stout, compact, chubby, and the most appealing creature he had ever seen. Roonie was officially caught off guard. How on earth was he supposed to impress, a transcendent goddess like her? It was at that moment that Roonie realized that he had \forgotten to put on deodorant. He took a deep breath,  attempted to tame his untidy hair, and stumbled clumsily towards her.

“Hi, I’m Roonie, you must be Esmeralda?”

She looked up and smiled. Her teeth were as white as snow. Instead of feeling intimidated, this time, Roonie’s heart skipped a beat. He sat down.

“Yes, nice to meet you.” She put out her hand, and Roonie shook it. He felt as if he got hit by an electrocuting spell, but a good kind of electricity. He felt warm, oh so warm. A sizzling feeling grumbled deep  inside his heart. He had no idea that shaking a girl’s hand could make his whole body feel on fire.

“So, what do you do?” Esmeralda asked, but by now, Roonie was miles away. He was looking into her eyes, amazed by them. They were more magical than any spell he had ever cast. Roonie was utterly, wholeheartedly convinced that Esmeralda’s eyes were the most enthralling and gripping things he had ever stumbled upon. They were dark brown, almost black, and everytime he looked into them he felt as if he was snuggling a teddy bear in a warm cup of coffee. His heart was feeling a stunning and marvelous sensation it had never felt before, like it was doing doing a dance routine. He had lived 27 years and he had never felt an emotion that strong. It really is peculiar how looking at someone’s eyes could make his feel that way.

“Roonie? What do you do?” Esmeralda spoke again.

He was suddenly jerked out of his trance. “What?”

In her hypnotizing voice she said, “What do you do? Like for work?”

“Right! Sorry,” Roonie replied, rather embarrassed, “I’m an intern at Dragons and Dwarfs. It’s my uncle’s business. We take in so called ‘dangerous beasts’ and try to find a home for them.” Roonie left out the part part that he was an unpaid intern, and the part that he mostly just did paperwork. “What about you?”

In a confident voice, Esmeralda said, “I’m the CEO of Read Witch Read. We find young witches and give them the education they deserve.”

“Wow,” Roonie replied, in awe of her success. How was he supposed to compete with a CEO? How was a girl like Esmeralda ever going to love a man like himself? He gulped, nodded, and smiled. Just as he was about to say something, the waitress strolled over.

“What can I get for you too?”

“I’ll have the Kale Unicorn Tea,” Esmeralda said. She seemed like the kind of witch that sipped on bubble tea all day and did yoga. Both women looked over at Roonie.

“Uh,” barely audibly, he mumbled, “I’ll have the Choco Monster Shake.” As the waitress wrote down their orders, Roonie sunk lower into his seat. Esmeralda probably thought he was a disgusting, a slob.

“You help animals? I think that’s wonderful,” Esmeralda said appreciatively. She grinned and glanced and Roonie. His cheeks went a strong shade of crimson. A pretty girl thinks that what he does is wonderful? He almost had to ask her to repeat herself. Roonie did a little victory dance in his head. Maybe he had a chance afterall.

“Well, it’s not as amazing as what you do,” he replied. Both Esmeralda and Roonie smiled sheepishly at the ground. He felt like he was a teenager again. Esmeralda sipped her tea and twiddled with her wand. It was a fiery red, just like her personality, but it faded into a soft orange at the tip.

“Wanna see something cool?” Esmeralda suddenly spoke, and Roonie nodded excitedly.

She drew her wand and pointed it at the nearest drunk. He was sitting alone drinking dragon breath whiskey. His scraggly beard went with his stained, foul clothes. Roonie looked over at the enchanting witch next to him. She was concentrating hard, and her eyes were squinted. He chuckled, he had never seen such a cute concentrator before. She waved her wand madly and uttered something under her breath. It wasn’t until Roonie heard a loud cry that he took his eyes off of her. He turned quickly and the old man’s drink transfigured itself into a pink, fizzy one. Not only was it completely different, but it was spraying everywhere. Dragon Juice was filling up to the ceiling with pick fizz. They turned to each other and both knew that something went wrong. Suddenly, the manager burst through the back.

“WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?” He roared.  Esmeralda and Roonie paused.

“Run!” Roonie shouted. Esmeralda and him bolted towards the door.

Roonie grabbed Esmeralda’s hand and pulled her onto his broom. He pushed off on the ground and they flew higher and higher into the sky. The cool air felt good and the sun was setting. So they were surrounded by magnificent colors. Coral, rose, and ruby red were everywhere they looked. It looked like they were floating along in a painting. The wind huffed and puffed against their cheeks as they wafted through space and time. Roonie had never seen such a sunset before. The fact that he was sharing the sky with a fascinating girl made him feel even greater. It was rather romantic.

“So that was fun,” Esmeralda said, as she hugged tightly onto Roonie.

“It was amazing,” Roonie agreed, and he was telling the truth. His heart had never felt fuller and he was smiling wider than he had in years.  Emeralda was even more impressive than he thought. Roonie felt intimidated, but he liked it. It was nice to feel challenged, nice to get away from filling out papers for his uncle all day. As they flew through the sky, Roonie realized that he was in love. He felt as if she had unlocked a dusty chest deep inside his heart.

“Listen,” Esmeralda said, “I enjoyed my time, so let’s do it again.”

Roonie was so surprised and delighted to hear these words that he lost control of the broom. They stumbled from the sky, falling at a great speed. They screamed at the top of their lungs, not because they were scared, but out of sheer fun, just like children. As Roonie and Esmeralda plummeted from the heavens, they felt like they were young again. He hadn’t felt like that in years. All it took was a girl. Just before they were about to hit the ground, Esmeralda managed to save them. They fell into the soft dirt laughing and rolling around.   

“Sorry” Roonie said, “you surprised me.”

Esmeralda smiled and laughed, “So is it a yes?”

“Yeah! Uh, I mean, sure sounds fun,” Roonie said, trying to play it off cool, but on the inside, his heart was doing cartwheels.

“See you then,” Esmeralda said, and she strutted away.

The most amazing human he had ever met wanted to see him again. Roonie stood there for a solid five minutes, trying to make sense of what had just happened to him. After he regained his senses, he wobbled happily home, dragging his broom behind him. The most unbelievable and stunning girl he had ever laid eyes on liked him. He blinked, shook his head, and pumped his fist in the air. Things were looking up for him. Little did he know, he had gum in his hair the whole time and a banana peel stuck to his pants.

Meanwhile, Esmeralda was texting her friends about how she just went on the most magical date with the cutest slob she had ever met.



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