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Kate Rhymes With Late
A long time ago there lived a girl. She lived in a time where everyone had problems: problems with bodies, problems with minds, just all kinds of problems. And if they didn’t have a problem with their body, mind or anything else, they made up crazy, completely fake problems so they would feel included. Her problem, though, was most unheard of. Kate was constantly five minutes late. No matter what she did to prevent this, no matter what punishment she received for being late, she always arrived five minutes late. She raised her hand five minutes after the question in class, she laughed five minutes too late when told a joke, she knew the answers five minutes after turning in a test, and she was five minutes late for everything you could think of under the sun.
One day under that very same sun in the endless vortexes of time and in the bottomless depths of primordial ooze someone realized something that regarded Kate. Some people called this someone, God, some called him Allah, and some called him Steve but only at the company Christmas party came to a close and they needed a designated driver (Steve is one million years sober and counting). This someone realized that he had set Kate’s internal clock five minutes too slow. He felt very guilty for what he had done. He knew he had to fix what he had done to her because if he didn’t, one day Kate would die, because she was five minutes too late. He definitely didn’t want that. He had big plans involving that girl and they couldn’t be completed without her. So, he thought and thought and thought; until finally he came up with an idea that he knew would work perfectly.
He would make a man who was always five minutes early. He would also know everything five minutes early. So he went to his vats of clay and selected the one with the label that read ‘Caucasian’. He molded and sculpted all night long with only one break to eat eight slices of pepperoni pizza. The man he was making already knew five minutes before that he was being created. He also knew his purpose in life. To keep Kate, whoever she was, alive. When God/Allah/Steve completed his work, he decided to name the man Wyatt. He sent Wyatt on his way to Annwn, (the after world of Welsh mythology located in between North America and Europe and now with Starbucks.), where Kate attended high school. He walked into school five minutes before it opened, went into his home room five minutes early. As usual Kate arrived at school five minutes after it opened, five minutes after the late bell had rung and received her twenty-eighth demerit of the year for being late (There had only been twenty eight days of school so far). Then five minutes before the first bell for the first class of the day rang, Wyatt tried to leave to go to his next class.
“Um, there’s still five minutes left till we can go.” Kate grabbed his sleeve and pointed to the clock hanging on the back wall.
With a sigh, Wyatt arrogantly turned to look down at her. This was Kate, the one and only reason he had been created and he was her soul mate. God/Allah/Steve had killed two birds with one stone in making him. In the primordial ooze, God/Allah/Steve smiled to himself at a job well done. Kate didn’t realize what Wyatt realized until five minutes later.
Things started to change for Kate after that, she was actually on time because of Wyatt. Wyatt was her protector, pulling her out of the way of moving school buses, keeping her from stepping on broken glass and saving her from her greatest fear, rabid French poodles. She made him slow down, and once in awhile, they were both late together. This was done by Kate making her whole body go limp and him laughing as he dragged her down the hall one handedly. Teachers ignored these occasional tardies just happy that she wasn’t missing the beginning of class as often anymore.
One day, he revealed to her his creation and why he was even alive. At first she was scared, and then she was curious. She begged and pleaded with Wyatt to see God/Allah/Steve. The problem was that Wyatt didn’t exactly remember how he got from God/Allah/Steve’s home to the here and now with Kate. So Wyatt, after much deliberation and searching found the vortex of time at the United Nations Headquarters in New York City, located in the broom closet on the third floor next to the stair case. After watching Nicholas Cage sneak into high security buildings in his latest adventure movie, this gave them an idea on how to get into the building without getting caught.
Wyatt and Kate climbed through the duct work of the building, dressed in total black clothes. They jumped straight into the vortex and were hurtled through time and space to a place they didn’t recognize. After countless twists and turns, they wound up winding their way through odd realms where people not only had poodles but sharp pointy sticks for weapons. Wyatt and Kate were forced to use their school ids to sword fight with enraged warriors of the realm. This was easier said than done. They had to brave many obstacles (most of them involved mazes, pointy sticks, and the occasional nuclear device to spice up the journey, God/Allah/Steve really liked his privacy) to reach the illogically madcap rabbit holes, that it turns out really do exist, and endless depths of primordial ooze. And then they had to go through the insane rabbit holes and swim through the endless depths of primordial ooze. This was not a pleasant experience, of course. The ooze got everywhere on them and you just knew that no matter how many times you bleached them they would forever be that disgusting shade of puce that primordial ooze is. But anyway, they reached God/Allah/Steve’s front door and pressed his doorbell.
Minutes later the door opened for them.
“Come on in, I’ve been expecting you.” A warm fatherly voice came from nowhere and everywhere at same time.
Cautiously careful not to track the ooze in, they walked into the entryway. God/Allah/Steve stood there watching them closely.
“Hello, Kate. Hello, Wyatt. What might I do you for?” he had a very strange accent that Kate had never heard before.
“Why do you want to keep me alive?” she asked him in return not bothering with polite conversation.
“I created you to do a great thing, Kate.” Was all he said in return.
“And what is this ‘great thing’?” Doing the stupid annoying finger quotes that no one in their right mind should use when they are talking to any one, especially God/Allah/Steve.
“You are going to save man-kind.” And then he knocked her out with a well placed blow to her temple.
When she woke up, she and Wyatt were laying in a field of grass in the middle of nowhere. Wandering in this meadow, they literally stumbled into a rabbit hole and ended up back in Annwn to their surprise. A world wide cancer epidemic had broken out. And the cure was already with them though they didn’t know it yet. Kate immediately went to find her uncle Joe, who had been one of the first to contract the disease and was now in its final stages. She hugged her comatose uncle tightly hoping beyond hope that she could save him. As she hugged him, her uncle awoke groggily and his health returned almost immediately. Tests were run on Wyatt and Kate’s clothing by scientists. The primordial ooze was the cure. Everyone who had the cancer was cured by the disgusting puce juice. Kate and Wyatt died many many years later of natural causes. 300,000,000 years later the world was ended when God/Allah/Steve passed out from sleep deprivation from staying awake for the first 10,000,000,000 years and fell on his globe by accident.