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The Easter That Almost Wasn't
Okay, first let me start out by saying one thing: The Easter Bunny is real. Oh yeah, no way could your parents hide all those eggs so well, so quickly in the morning. Only the speed of a rabbit could get that job done.
Anyway, I should get on with the story. Well, once upon a time, Easter almost didn’t happen. The children of the world would have been searching for Easter eggs until their hair turned gray, because they wouldn’t of known, that there was no Easter eggs to find!
You can blame it on that stupid hunter, and that hungry wolf-wait, let’s start at the beginning. Okay, first off that hunter, who went by the name of Vicious Vincent.
Vincent was like a cross between Van Helsing and Elmer Fudd. This guy had hunted and caught The Ugly Duckling, The Three Bears, and The Wolf who went after The Three Pigs! Vincent put all his prize poaches on display in his backyard for people to see. Needless to say, not many parents of young children were happy with Vincent. But Vincent always thought they were just jealous of his “great skills”
One year, about a week before Easter, Vincent was taking inventory of his zoo of legendary animals. He sat in his big chair, made of Little Bo Peep’s sheep’s fur, going through the checklist. “Okay, The Ugly Duckling…caught him, The Three Little Pigs…. caught them, Frog Prince…. caught and dissected.”
Yeah, this guy was sick! Vincent kept going down the list, until finally, he found one legendary animal he hadn’t captured. “The Easter Bunny?” he said, “I can’t believe I’ve never caught the Easter Bunny.” Vincent looked at his calendar, “Easter’s a week from today,” a wicked grin crawled across his face “I better get the rabbit traps ready.”
Now, let’s talk about Francois, the wolf. Francois was the biggest, scariest, most French wolf you would ever come across. There wasn’t an animal he wouldn’t devour, if it meant he would go to bed with a full stomach. But because of Vincent’s hunting, Francois was running out of creatures to eat.
“Curse that wretched hunter!” he cried, “How am I supposed to survive, when he takes away everything edible?” Francois pounded his paws into the dirt in frustration, when he spotted three baby birds trying to sneak past him.
Francois quickly swiped the birds up by their tails. “So,” said Francois, licking his lips “what are you three up to?” “We’re getting ready for Easter.” Said one of the birds. “We’re collecting a bunch of flowers to make an Easter egg basket with.” Added another. “I hope The Easter Bunny leaves enough eggs for everyone.” Continued the third bird.
Francois then had a brainstorm, “The Easter Bunny is coming?” In his daze, Francois dropped the baby birds; those three took off as fast as they could.
“That bunny’s practically lived on eggs, chocolate, and jellybeans.” Said Francois, “His meat is probably the sweetest, juiciest, tastiest in all the forest!” he exclaimed as his drool was showered all over the ground. “Oh,” gasped Francois “I am going to eat good this Easter!”
Once word got out that Vincent was planning on capturing The Easter Bunny, thousands of angry protesters stormed his front door. But Vincent took no notice to any of them. One of those protesters was a helpful hippie by the name of Gill.
“You’re not just attacking nature, you’re attacking tradition, and the hopes and dreams of the children!” Gill shouted.
“Go soak your head.” Groaned Vincent, and he poured a bucket of water atop of Gill. Vincent broke out in laughter he threw the bucket on top of Gill’s head.
Vincent only wished he could do more to humiliate Gill, but there were too many witnesses. This wasn’t the first time they’ve confronted. Gill had been trying to set Vincent’s animal prisoners free for years. But try after try Vincent always stopped him, except for that one time.
It was 1986, on Christmas Eve. Vincent had planned on capturing on Santa’s reindeer. The hunter had it all planned out. First, he covered his roof with a thick layer of flypaper. Then to disguise his trap, he covered it with a thin blanket of fake snow. When he was ready Vincent went incognito as a mound of snow, and waited patiently outside with his tranquilizer gun.
Vincent tried his best to hold in his breath, he felt like it was freezing inside his lungs. Santa arrived after what seemed like years, was only a matter of hours. The reindeer and the sleigh landed on the rooftop. Vincent got a firm grip on his gun, and waited to attack. Santa hopped out of the sleigh and onto the roof.
But to the hunter’s surprise, Santa walked back and forth along the roof with no problem at all. Vincent stared in shock as Santa went down the chimney, made his delivery, came back up, and walked right back to his sleigh. Then the sleigh took off into the sky. Vincent finally snapped out of it, and tried to shoot the reindeer out of the sky as a last resort, but to no avail.
Vincent was furious. His plan was foolproof, what could have gone wrong? He scrambled up to his roof to see what the problem was. Quickly he kicked the snow off of the roof. Then he saw his roof had been covered in fresh concrete.
“Who could have done this?” asked Vincent as he angrily grinded his teeth. The hunter didn’t have to look too hard for an answer. Right by his feet he discovered someone had written their name in the cement. The name was Gill.
Fast-forward twenty-two years, and Vincent was still as angry at Gill as he was that Christmas Eve. Vincent grabbed the bucket covering Gill’s head, and lifted it up enough to see the hippie’s soaked face. “Don’t think I haven’t forgotten about what you did in ’86 Gill.” whispered the hunter, “I’m still going to get you for that.”
“You we’re going to destroy Christmas!” exclaimed Gill.
“So you stop me by destroying mine?” replied Vincent, “Look, you may have stopped me once, but don’t think you’ll do it again. If I see you at all this Easter, it’ll be your last.”
Then the hunter slammed the bucket back down on the hippie’s head, and strolled back into his cottage laughing hysterically. Gill pulled the bucket off his head, and shook the water from his hair. Vincent’s words echoed in his ear as he dried his face with his tie-dyed t-shirt. Gill was a little nervous, but he was not afraid. He had faced Vincent hundreds of times before, “This time things will be different,” he whispered to himself “I’ll show Vincent know one messes with Easter.”
Easter Eve was here, and Gill bravely walked through the dark forest, carrying a large butterfly net, a set of pliers, and a picket sign reading “The Bun Stops Here”. Every time Gill came across a rabbit trap, he broke it with his pliers. “This time Vincent has gone too far.” Gill whispered to himself.
Meanwhile, Vicious Vincent crept through the forest with his rifle, and Francois stalked the land trying to control his excessive drooling. And The Easter Bunny was hopping through the forest, hiding his eggs, right on schedule.
Around three o’clock in the morning, The Easter Bunny passed by a large oak tree with its roots growing out of the ground. “I could hide some eggs under those roots.” Said The Easter Bunny. He took two hops toward the roots, when he suddenly heard a twig snap.
The Easter Bunny froze, and looked around for any sign of danger. The coast seemed clear, so The Easter Bunny continued his way toward the roots. The Easter Bunny crawled under the roots, and hid a few of his eggs. He turned to leave, when he stepped in something awful. The Easter Bunny pulled his foot up for a closer inspection. He stepped in drool.
Then he heard some heavy breathing from behind. The Easter Bunny slowly turned around, and finally noticed the glowing yellow eyes. The eyes came closer and closer, and as they came into the light, the eyes revealed themselves to be the eyes of Francois. “Bonjour monsieur Easter Bunny, or should I say, my dinner.” Smiled the wolf.
The Easter Bunny ran away as fast as he could, not giving the situation a second thought. Francois burst through the roots, and quickly gave chase to The Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny used every ounce of energy he had in every hop, but he felt Francois getting closer and closer. He was so frightened by that hungry wolf he didn’t notice he was heading straight for one of Vincent’s traps.
The Easter Bunny’s foot got trapped in the rope, and he was hoisted up into the tree! A bell went off notifying Vincent the trap went off.
The Easter Bunny dangled helplessly in the air, hanging on to his basket of Easter eggs, while Francois circled him below, watering the ground with his saliva. “Finally, I’ll get to eat!” cried Francois, and he let out a howl of joy. On the other side of the forest, Gill heard the wolf’s cry. “Oh no, sounds like trouble.” Said Gill.
Gill ran as quickly as he could to the source of the sound. Unfortunately, as our hippie friend turned a corner around a tree, he came face to face with Francois. “Oh man, I should have seen this coming.” Gill then noticed The Easter Bunny dangling from above, “I’m too late.” He gasped.
Then Vicious Vincent arrived on the scene. “Well, well, well, I caught myself The Easter Bunny, and a hippie!” he exclaimed, “and I guess I owe a little thank you to that wolf right there. “Forget your thank you!” said Francois “Now I get a taste of human meat, too!”
“That’s the only meat you’re getting.” Replied Vincent, “The bunny is mine.” “Excuse me?” growled Francois, “I believe I caught the rabbit.”
“In my trap!” cried Vincent.
“Neither of you are getting your hands on The Easter Bunny!” exclaimed Gill.
“You stay out of this!” roared Francois “I’ll have you for an appetizer, and then, the main course.”
“While you deal with that wolf Gill, I got a bunny to deal with.” Smiled Vincent, and he went to claim his prize. Gill was pushed up against a tree, as Francois closed in on him with his tongue raining saliva and his sharp teeth shining brighter than a newly painted Easter egg. The hippie watched helplessly as Vincent went to cut down The Easter Bunny and trap him in a cage.
Then Gill got an idea. Just as Francois was about to pounce, Gill jumped right atop the wolf, and leaped for The Easter Bunny. Gill managed to get to The Easter Bunny only seconds before Vincent. Gill landed, quickly regained his composure, and took off with The Easter Bunny tight in his arms.
“Sacrebleu!” gasped Francois.
“After them!” screamed Vincent, and the chase was on.
Gill had to think fast; the hunter and the wolf were gaining on them. He heard the wolf cries and the gunshots getting closer and closer. “Excuse me,” said The Easter Bunny “Look over there.” Gill noticed another one of Vincent’s traps.
Quickly but carefully, Gill and The Easter Bunny found the lasso hidden among the grass and leaves. Gill made it big enough capture Vincent or Francois. Then Gill went to find the other end of the rope. He found it right behind the tree that it was hanging from. The Easter Bunny then pretended to be frozen in shock right in front of the hidden trap. As Vincent and Francois got closer and closer, The Easter Bunny felt the fear become real.
Gill had to time it just right. The Easter Bunny’s foot started rapidly going up and down in fear, as if he were Thumper. The second those two were inches away from the Easter Bunny, Gill pulled on the rope as hard as he could. The rope tightened, trapping Francois and Vincent by their feet, and hoisting them up into the air.
“Now that’s karma!” laughed The Easter Bunny, as he wiped the beads of sweat off his forehead. “This is all your fault!” shouted Vincent. “Me?” cried Francois, “If you had just let me eat the bunny, none of this would have happened!”
Gill and The Easter Bunny left Vincent and Francois...well, hanging. But they weren’t out of trouble yet. They had wasted a lot of time fighting the hunter and the wolf, and it was almost dawn. The Easter Bunny hadn’t finished hiding all the eggs, “There’s no way I can finish in time, and it looks like Easter will be cancelled this year.”
Then Gill got an idea, “Not so fast, we can still save Easter, but we’re going to need some help.” He picked up The Easter Bunny, and then took off like a rocket. “Where are we going?” asked The Easter Bunny. “To Vincent’s house.” Gill replied
Gill and The Easter Bunny arrived at Vincent’s house, and broke into The Zoo of Legendary Animals. They set them free of their cages, rounded them up, and gave them each their very own basket of Easter Eggs. Then Gill and The Easter Bunny sent them all in different directions, telling them to hide every last egg in their basket.
Soon The Ugly Duckling, Chicken Little, The Three Little Pigs, and the rest of those legendary creatures were dashing across the countryside hiding Easter Eggs. Well, except The Three Blind Mice, they were just there for moral support. But with everyone’s help all The Easter Eggs were hidden just before dawn.
Gill and The Easter Bunny watched from atop a grassy hill as they watched the children of the neighborhood rush out to find the presents The Easter Bunny had left for them.
“Well, I owe you a big thanks my boy.” Said The Easter Bunny.
“Oh, don’t worry about it.” Replied Gill.
The Easter Bunny then pulled one last Easter egg out of his basket, and handed it up to Gill on his big rabbit ear. “Happy Easter Gill.” Smiled The Easter Bunny, and then he hopped off into the distance. Gill watched him leave until he was out of sight.
So, Vicious Vincent was out of a job, and Gill was declared the town’s hero. Francois never threatened another creature again; he found an alternative to meat, Easter Eggs! Man or beast never threatened the Easter Bunny ever again. Ask for Punxsutawney Phil, now that’s another story…