marinara massacre

May 24, 2017

The time is 3468. Technology has reached unimaginable new heights—so much so to where most people have the Steve Jobs hologram. First off, for you degenerates out there who don't know of this wonderful invention, it's the cutting edge in technology. Instead of carrying around brick cell phones that weigh your pockets down making it look like you sag. Now imagine this, who's the greatest technological beast of all time? You're damn right it's Steve Jobs. In 3468 people have chips implanted in their shoulders. It's about ¼ pure witchcraft the other ¾ is surgical binding between the chip and your nervous system, and I'm sure in someway connects to your brain as well.

Headphones are obsolete. Thanks to this device there is no need to spend your hard earned guap on those silly things. This hologram comes equipped with two fantastic tongue-shaped music players. Some losers would say that these tongue things are “too realistic”, but hey they're just losers, so... These fantastic ear tongues are equipped with a light layer of lube,  in case you have some issues getting them in there. It's a very common problem.  Humans have to do hardly anything now. All we need to do is continue our ongoing  battle with our own health   and taking care of our bodies, which we were  still failing at miserably.

You just have to love technology. It’s willing to do everything we don't want to ,such as picking up after our pets or even cleaning/picking up in general. Technology just lights up the city streets beautifully the billboards on every building glowing in the night sky illuminating a friendly green pool around the boards.  Trying to persuade you that you  need to buy the new iphone 17.9 mark 3 or advertising the best new spaghetti dish in the town, “ The Schetti Are You Ready SupremO.” from the famous chain “Pasta Palace Palooza”.The new owners made this new dish it’s the hottest seller. Spaghetti was a huge part of society in this town. Spaghetti is the center stone of this town practically. It is even said that if you don't like spaghetti you are given a battery, a flare gun and half a plastic spoon, and you are banished from the town for life or until your true love for spaghetti surfaces.  It's almost like we were all brainwashed to love spaghetti . Although hands down the best thing technology has ever done was create spaghetti, the best food item to ever grace our plate. “For us, it's  that delectable, delicious , toe curling, slight squish of the warm noodles layered by sauce invading your whole mouth,” pleasing your taste buds.


So our story takes us to Salty Swahili Jelly Bikini a tiny town, home of the best spaghetti and the only Italian restaurants to have no humans working in the place. “Now in this town all people ate spaghetti so the spaghetti industry was booming.” “They had 3 italian restaurants in this town.” The first one was formerly owned by Gregory Giorgelli. A massive problem started to happen, though. “A sickness known as no Handsies  started stirring up the spaghetti world.” it's a true tragedy.” the best spaghetti makers in the world suffered from this crippling disease, such as gregory giorgelli, peter pantalone, and of course gazpacho festus erectus. They've all passed away but their minds were placed into robots to preserve their spaghetti knowledge. They never thought that these robots would run their restaurants. To everyone's surprise the town's favorite spaghetti restaurants were run by the minds of the 3 greatest people in the town's history inside the cold metal, emotionless  head of a robot,or was he emotionless?


December 28th,3468, swahili bikini county. A tv turns on, static at first but you're not able to turn it off your puzzled now then the headline blurts out of the speaker” members of our community have mysteriously gone missing,   wildly. There cold and afraid if you happen to see any of these  people, the screen flashes and plays a montage of the missing folk. First it was Timothy Romper, short blonde haired boy scout,next Tim's best friend enrique juice.  report it to the police immediately And at least 6 other people but the broadcast flipped through the pictures so fast i only caught a glimpse of the other 6. It was interrupted by a Pasta Palace Palooza commercial  oddly enough reminding us to get the “Schetti Are You Reddi SupremeO ,(Threat Level:Mid Afternoon). “Oh no” i see hundreds of families pile into their cars racing each other to the nearest Pasta Palace to get the new dish. “This has been going on far too long there's something in the spaghetti, these people seem addicted to the spaghetti it's not just liking it that much,i'm gonna get down to the bottom of these shenanigans.”


December 28th,3469 “Alright i'm ready to the plan the scheme i have been taking notes about what kind of people have gone missing there's at least 4,000 people missing now, but the first 20 were all boy scouts which is a little fishy. Although the sketchiest thing i've noticed was that  it seems robots got smarter ,more life like. Which only leads me to believe the missing and the  spaghetti are connected somehow. I set up a sting operation outside the Pasta Palace Palooza grabbed my tent and other necessary camping items. Also at this point i have been bingeing on steve jobs for the past year. I have accumulated 37 steve chips over the year. My plan was honestly originally to od on jobs but instead i felt a strong presence rising in my tent closet. I whip out the nicest turtle neck i have it had a strange metallic ringing noise to it, i knew what i must do. I apply the turtleneck and i feel the power raging through me ,glasses form around my eyes, i grow a little cheeky smile, also my jeans turned to a pale blue,  a dank 5 o'clock shadow grows on my chin region, skechers appeared on my feet. I felt  400 % stronger my muscles grew 4 times their original diameter , it  is officially time.

I burst out of the tent my bacon and clothes just explode bursting

In all directions. I felt sooo cool. Honestly at this point i assume it's the spaghetti robots behind all this  and i grew  bored of trying to figure out justice so i marched into pasta palace palooza with death and gruesome murder. I sprint up to the door with a 6 leg geko tri gram karate  chop  that could  shatter worlds , literally blew the roof off the palace it's murder time . The fear expressed on everyone's faces oddly enough made go harder i first finds peter pantalone and slides furiously towards him creating fire in his tracks grabs peter by the neck and rips his robot body apart first  i tore off both arms at once,and ripped  the head off  and ate the human brains of the spaghetti champion of the world.Oil spilling all over my face and in the pasta peter is beep booping in horror as the others watched waiting to get theres.  Gregorys turn he tried to to run but my steve jobs ear phones started playing wu tang clan and tripped him.gregory is pleading for his life but i do not speak robot. Now gregory came prepared i laid a flaming lizard kick into his abdomen he started beeping, but he won't be for long. “What does spaghetti taste like.?” spaghetti starts racing out of every orphus on the robotic body then he just explodes and gregory's true brain comes out i dive for it lads right in my mouth i am energized once again. The final competitor gazpacho festus erectus was standing down the hallway staring at me i'm staring covered in his brother's oil. I pull out the pocket minigun i had stored away and turned him into swiss cheese. The battle was over the oil has been spilt theres sauce everywhere. I hear a heroic tummy growl, i quickly find myself sprinting to the basement of the establishment searching for the clean pasta and the horror i uncovered in that basement. There lied at least 50 mutilated humans  some even being fed into the sauce and noodle maker. These sick tin cans are treating like play doh.I will not stand for this i yell heroically “ spaghetti is only to be made by humans from this day on “.


October 23rd,3470 my spaghetti industry is booming!

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