May 23, 2017


The buildings were tall.  That was the first thing that I noticed.  They were really tall.  Like really tall.  I mean, these buildings were tall.  They stretched into the sky, like they were little baby arms reaching out to grasp some toy that is dangling in the air, but it is just out of reach, so the arms just stay up in the air, but at some point they will get tired so the baby will put them down.  So what will happen if there was an earthquake?  I think I should do some more research on this topic.  Maybe I should write this so it’s more useful for readers.  I mean, that’s my job.  To make time travel safe.  So readers, I guess this would be a good time for introductions.  My name is…  Well, you don’t need to know my name.  All you need to know is that if you are reading this book, my adventures through time were successful, and that this book contains useful information.  If not, I am wasting…  Well… Technically speaking I’m not wasting any time, because I am going to traveling through time, and so when I get back to my time, no one will notice.  It will be as if I blinked out of existence for about 30 seconds.  Unless I die, because then no one will be reading this, and I will have blinked out of existence for ever, which would mean that I wasted all amounts of time, while in the same time, I would have wasted no amounts of measurable time.  So, the first time period on my journey.  2300. 

Like I said before, the buildings were really tall.  And no one was on the streets.  No one or nothing.  Except for chunks of broken road.  That’s it.  Oh, and some s***ty weeds.  I guess when everything dies, weeds will still grow just to piss you off.  And I think I know why.  Not why weeds will still grow, but why there was no one out, and why there were really tall buildings.  Either humans were forced to grow upwards, which would explain why there were tall buildings everywhere, or there was some plague that killed everyone, and so people thought that by getting higher up in the atmosphere, they could have survived.  I latter discovered that my first idea was much closer to the truth than the second.  Like way closer.  And so my first piece of advice to future time travelers:  Don’t jump to conclusions when you visit the future.  Read this book, and then if there is nothing on that time period, then it will be safe to jump to conclusions. 

After coming up with my hypothesis, I realized that I wasn’t getting anywhere walking around, so I walked up to one of the buildings, and stared at it.  There wasn’t a door, or a window.  It was just a solid chunk of metal that shot up for miles.  Well, it was a hollow chunk of metal that shot miles into the air.  So, standing there with my mouth open, and looking like an idiot, because I couldn’t figure out how to get in.  And if you have ever been in that position, you know that you will began to get frustrated.  And when you get frustrated, you do irrational things.  And since I am a relatively normal human, I got frustrated, and started hitting and kicking the metal hunk.  When you hit metal from the future, it makes a loud gonging type of noise.  It is like the sound that is made when the old chinese man hits the big metal plate in those karate movies.  Wax on, wax off.  Anyway, I was so concentrated on hitting the stupid metal building that I didn’t notice holes appearing above me.  The holes turned out to be windows.  When you visit the future, you should know that there are no air conditioning units.  Apparently the AC units were the leading cause of pollution, so in order to solve this crisis, they just threw them all out.  Now, there is no global warming, so if you decide to travel to the future, and book a hotel room, then make sure you know how to operate a window. 

By the time my rage quit was finished, there were about 20 people with their heads out the windows trying to figure out what the hell the racket was.  And I realized that I needed to use the bathroom.  I knew I should have gone before I left.  If you are traveling through time, always make sure you use the bathroom before you make the leap to a foreign time.  And make sure that you can speak the language that is spoken in that time.  This was something that I couldn’t do, because I was writing the research.  So, as I looked up at the heads staring down at me, I realized that I had no clue if people still spoke english.  This would be a problem if something happened and people no longer spoke english.  Since I needed to do something, I waved my hand, and said, “Hello.  I am from the past.  Do you speak english?  I need to use the bathroom”  and then after some blank stares, I realized that the spaniards took over the world, so I said, “Hola.  Yo es una persona.  Soy de 2017.  Tu hablamos espanol?  Yo necesito ir al baño mucho. Yo no hablo otras idiomas.” 

The other people just gave me blank stares.  It was really awkward.  And then someone finally spoke up.  “Me llamo Paul.  La personas del mundo solamente habla espanol.  Los mexicanos conquistó el mundo.” For a second, I believed him, and I made a mental note to buy the spanish rosetta stone when I get back to my time but everyone started laughing, and I realized that people of this time didn’t only speak spanish.  If you are traveling to the time of 2500, the know that the people still speak english, and that people still do have a sense of humor.  I shouted back up to them, “Hilarious.  Absolutely hilarious.  But seriously, can I come in?  I really do need to go pee.” 

The guy named Paul let me in.  He used his phone to open the door.  It was really weird.  One moment there wasn’t a door, and then there was.  He told me to come to the 4th floor.  I walked into the building.  In the building lobby, there were elevators.  Like everywhere.  I counted 20.  10 on each side.  I walked up to one of them, and realized that yet again, there are no buttons.  I stood in front of the double elevator doors, not able to really do anything.  I went back outside.  I put my foot in the doorway so it wouldn’t close on me.  I saw that Paul’s window was still open.  I didn’t want to look like a complete idiot, so I said, “Hey Paul?  In my time, elevators have buttons.  These don’t.  So, um, how do I use the elevator?” 
He stuck his head out the window, and with a look of slight annoyance, he replied, “You just think of what floor you want to go to.”  Of course the future had elevators that could do that.  Why not?  I went back in, and stood in front of the same elevator.  I thought about the number 4.  I could hear the whirring of machinery, and then it stopped.  There was a ding, and the doors opened.  I stepped in kind of nervously, because for some reason, I have this fear of elevators.  If you are coming to the future, you should not have a fear of elevators.  There are no stairs.  And if you are visiting the future as a vacation place, you will need to go online and book your stay before coming to a hotel, because in the future, you can’t just go to the lobby and request a room.  Also, make sure that when coming to the future, you can speak english.  And read english.  And write english.  And understand english.  It is the only language.  Like the only one. 

You know what?  I just realized something.  Most of you who are reading this won’t care about my experiences in detail, But are only reading this because you want to know if and when you should travel to.  And what you should and shouldn’t do when you travel through time.  And what to bring and what not to bring when you travel through time.  You are reading this so you are prepared to leap through time.  I get it.  But that is not going to stop me from restating my personal experiences.  But since I have a time machine, I am going to travel back to the time that I came from, and ask my editors what they want.  Hold on a sec… 

Ok.  I gave them everything that you have read up to this point, because I went back for the break while I was still in 2300.  So apparently when my editors told me that I should write a story on time travel, they did not want me to travel through time and write about it, but they said that they love it, and that readers will sop it up, but they told me that no one cares about what Paul said. Sorry about this.  As the reader, you don’t care about what happens in the process.  So, back to what you originally bought this book for.

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