NOTE: The following piece has been translated from the Utopian Language of the Uptonian Race in the Andromeda Galaxy, to English.
There is popular belief that aliens walked the earth in ancient times, and these theories have created quite a stir in the scientific community, apparently. It is believed that extraterrestrials came to Earth thousands of years ago. Some hypothesise that aliens are responsible for ancient technological wonders and that they helped to shape human civilisation. I'm proud to say that that is true, but only because the humans were so helpless and quite frankly, deficient in intelligence. Another Earth visit is due, and I'm 'lucky' enough to visit.
The reason behind this visit and the last is because we are holding an experiment and have been holding this experiment for many years. The experiment being, whether or not life can be sustained in the Milky Way Galaxy
We, the Uptonian Race (what the humans refer to as 'aliens'), are reaching extremely low resource levels, and are in urgent need of a new home, preferably a new universe, but we are willing to settle for a galaxy. The Milky Way Galaxy was formed billions of years ago for this purpose.
As an agent of the E.I.A (Earth Investigation Agency), I have been enlisted to visit Earth once again to investigate human behaviour. I plan on documenting this visit.
31/10/16        07:13am
The journey from my home in the Andromeda Galaxy to the Milky Way Galaxy went okay. During the journey, I had to change from my Uptonian form to a human form, and by God is it weird. I mean, are all those 'fingers' really necessary? The space shuttle left me at a place called 'New York City'.
31/10/16     10:03am
So far, I can conclude that human behaviour is extremely different since the last visit. All they seem to be doing is walking around, aimlessly. Note to Self: research 'cars'.                                    Every single one of them is sporting different garments of different sizes, styles and colour. Another Note to Self: what is a 'yellow'?
31/10/16   12:57pm
So I just ate food in what the humans were calling a 'restaurant'. Their ability at making food hasn't much improved since the last visit, that's for sure. A striking thing to point out is their behaviour in this so-called 'restaurant'. Some humans were engaging in communication with one another, whilst most of them were involved in some sort of activity with their 'phones'. Upon further investigation, these 'phones' enable them to contact other phone-bearing humans. They also provide entertainment to them.
31/10/16  2:47pm
So apparently today marks a pagan festival humans call Halloween. No wonder the human's behaviour is confusing. I just passed a human wearing a garment called a 'hoodie'. Bizarre.
31/10/16   5:06pm
Back on Utopia, we do not possess what I identify here as 'humour'. To convey this humour, humans 'laugh'. I tried 'laughing', it doesn't come very naturally, so I sought after a source of humour. I tried approaching a human and engaging in conversation. They told me I look like Steve Buscemi and to go back to where I came from. How do they know?
31/10/16   7:56pm
Currently hiding in an 'alley'. Some sort of formation began assembling. Some humans were speaking, then, they all did a bizarre movement with their hands where they brought them together with force, which produced the most horrid sound. I think that they are indicating that they are prepared for an inter-galactic war, or my people to invade their planet. This is not good.
31/10/16   8:26
False alarm on the inter-galactic war front. Anyway, according to the study of the fumes in the air and the amount of litter, rubbish and pollution the humans produce, they too, are in extreme need of a new home. The human race and the Uptonian race are the only known groups of existence thus far. This means that Plan X must be executed - the eradication of the human race.
Plan X has been in the making for Uptonian generations, in the case that the Uptonians had to fight for their survival, and/or relocate. I've already contacted Uptonian Officials from the E.I.A.
Plan X is so severe that I don't even know what it entails, but that is about to change.
Message from: General Eoskian of the E.I.A
Plan X will proceed as follows: ?$*@£&~#/;{*?%)"$£&@?...