This story is told by Czar Reginald, an old Space Chimpanzee Warrior.
"Bigfoot's everywhere, abort mission! Get out while you can!" Said famed Space Chimp General Garrison. There were an original 2.3 million Space Chimps at the battle of Materloo, and by the time Bigfoot was done only 429 escaped. I used my jet pack booster to get away, but the same can't be said for General Garrison. His head was ripped off by Bigfoot's little finger. It's safe to say we were no match for Bigfoot, Paco and his friends.
A month has gone by since the battle, and we are already making arrangements to return. I've been appointed as Czar of The Space Chimpanzee Empire, as all of my superiors died at Materloo. I could not put into words how bad our old leader, Czar Bembe was. Czar Bembe treated everyone as equals, and tried to make the empire a democracy. What in the world was that Chimp thinking. I will always cherish the moment that Bigfoot ripped Bembe apart. I had many new plans, and was ecstatic to make The Space Chimpanzee Empire a force to deal with again.
Some big changes were needed in order to turn this Space Chimpanzee Empire around. The first decision I made was to send all children to warrior training. Schools were gutted and turned into training facilities. We were going to take over the world! Since only males existed the strongest males were forced to mate. "With an uneducated army no one will dare to cross me," I said to my new assistant named Pierre. Pierre's a very muscular handsome fellow who is very uneducated and only knows the word "yes".
The first few years of being Czar was spent conquering The Planet of the Gorillas. All their warriors were killed, but their scientists were put to work in hidden laboratories. There was no way they could inform any Chimps about what was happening if they were not allowed to leave the laboratories. Scientists worked on new jet boosters, weaponry, spacecrafts, etc. You name it, they were working on it. The Space Chimpanzee Empire was renamed the Chimpanzee Soviet Socialist Republic (A.K.A the CSSR), and I was now the most powerful Czar the galaxy had ever seen. We were repopulating faster than ever, and in 15 years we were on pace to have 12.67 million Space Chimpanzee Warriors. We were at the height of the space empires, but the wasn't good enough. We wanted revenge on Paco's Carrot Farm...
The Space Chimpanzee Empire had been after rabbits for over 20 years now, but could never take down Paco. The CSSR is a different animal though. Since Materloo our young Chimps have been trained for revenge on Paco. Materloo had a longer lasting effect on us than just the 2 million lost Chimps. We lost a sense of society, and everything that has been done since has been to destroy Paco and the whole rabbit race. "Only a strong leader can defeat Paco, that's why that insult of a Czar Bembe couldn't do it." I told Pierre. He replied "Yesssss!"
In order to rule the galaxy our training facilities had to be supreme to all else. All Chimps were sent to training at the age of 3.141592654, including my son with Pierre. Pierre and I had a son only a few days after my promotion to Czar. Our son Willard is 4 years old, and already shows great promise. He will someday be a great warrior, and maybe eventually a future Czar. The training to become a Chimpanzee Warrior lasts a minimum of 12 years depending on skill level. Some Chimps don't possess the ability to complete the training program, and spend their whole lives in training. Training is very gruesome and many Chimps have died in the process.
We soon realized that Chimps were physically superior if they could walk on their lone two feet instead of using their hands to walk. This gave them two hands for combat and carrying weapons and tools. With this knew knowledge we were able to slowly eliminate Chimps that walk on four legs. We were a few years away from our next attack, but we were making the correct steps. The whole race now had the ability to walk on two legs. Without having to teach the young Chimps how to handle a weapon, we reduced training time by a whole year. By being able to walk on two legs from an early age, young Chimps motor skills improve drastically. This helped with operating weapons, and jet packs. We were on an upward trend, and it wasn't going to stop until Paco and his farm have been eliminated.
15 Years Later...
"I let my son, now General Willard, know we will be attacking in 5 days," I said. "Paco doesn't stand a chance against our 12 million Chimps." Pierre and my son is now 20 years old and is already one of the best generals in the CSSR's history. As for me, I am 62 years old and am far past my physical peak. You may ask why doesn't someone assassinate you? The simple truth is my planet doesn't know any better. There are very few educated Chimps, and those of whom are educated are treated very fairly. In addition to that, our Gorilla scientists came up with a chip to insert in every new born's head. It detects any thoughts about rebelling and instantly stops your brain and heart. Therefore no Chimp has the ability to rebel.
With less than a week until attack we tried to scout Paco's farm to see what we were dealing with. We sent a robot to Paco's farm with cameras and and a microphone. The first thing we found was the wall built on the border of Mexico and the United States has grown in size. This might be a problem considering Paco's farm is just south of the wall in Mexico. The farm was much more heavily gated than the last attack, and many Rabbit soldiers stood outside armed with heavy weaponry. One thing we didn't account for was the drone not being able to function in water. As the robot moved closer to the gate, it fell into the moat and would never be able to function again.
Next we decided to send in a small group of 13 Chimps called the Torgas. We again put cameras and microphones on all the Torgas and gave them bugs to plant in the farm and house. They were able to penetrate the gate and enter the house, but the wouldn't make it to much farther. They planted a few bugs, but were spotted by Paco and some of his soldiers. They put up a fight but were no match for the hundreds of Rabbit soldiers. One thing they did find out was Bigfoot had passed away, and would no longer be able to destroy millions of Space Chimps. With this news the Chimps rejoiced and jumped for joy. For they thought the war was now over and there was no stopping them now.
We are one day away from attacking Paco's farm. This will be the last night that the majority of Chimps will be able to spend with their Husbands and children for a while. Some Chimps continued to focus on the battle, but others celebrated. The day resembled a day before Materloo. Before the agony, and all the training. When they were free to do what they pleased.
Pierre, Willard, and I spent a wonderful day. We did everything as a family; we played games, went on a picnic, and threw poop. After dinner Pierre and I made our way to the bedroom. We had a wonderful night and were ready for battle. I was confident in our battle strategy, and without Bigfoot thought there was no way we would lose.
"It is time to conquer, we will forever rule the galaxy," I exclaim over the Space Chimp Warriors. They chant "Heil Reginald, Heil Czar, Heil Reginald" over and over and over again. "I have done it," I tell Pierre. "The CSSR will rule the galaxy." Pierre reaches his hand and squeezes my thigh. "Not now Pierre! Wait until the battle is over and it will be much sweeter." I released the 12 million Chimpanzee Warriors; some on space ships and others with jet packs, but all united as one. The journey down to earth was real brief, and we were approaching the wall very fast. It had grown since the robot had flown over, and a few of our ships miscalculated the height and hit the wall. It was our third most populated ship which carried 1.3 million Chimps. We weren't off to a great start.
We arrived at Paco's farm and the Space Chimpanzee Warriors loaded out of the ships. "Attack!" I cried, as the Chimps started to jump all over the Rabbits. After only a few hours of battling the carrot field was almost destroyed. The Chimps seemed to outnumber the Rabbits, and were physically superior. It was only a matter of time before the Rabbit race would no longer exist. The Rabbits kept retreating as the were dying rapidly, then out of nowhere something started to rise from the ground. It was Bigfoot; some divine power lifted Bigfoot and he was alive again. Everyone knew it was Nessie the Loch Ness Monster (although she is not even close to a monster) lifting him, but there was a slight chance that the great Buddha lifted him from the dead. The Chimps lived a simple lifestyle and were not allowed to worship any gods except for the All Mighty Banana Peel.
The tables had completely turned and the Chimps were now fleeing for their lives as a full grown Sasquatch is barely mortal. The battle had been chased to The Pond of Serenity. The battle suddenly turned into a water fight. The Rabbits started to squirt the Chimps with water guns. It was like the soldiers were children again; they were splashing around and death was not existent. It was like the pond had a calming effect and temporarily stopped the war. For a moment I thought Chimps and Rabbits could coincide together. When suddenly a new wave of Chimpanzee Warriors came flooding onto the scene. They started shooting up the pond and killed any animal in it. The statues of Paco and Bigfoot were destroyed. All chaos broke out for the Rabbits. The Chimpanzees seemed like they might finally destroy Bigfoot and the Rabbits with their laser blasters. The Chimps were far superior in almost every aspect, but they didn't account for one thing... Paco had recently started to grow radishes, and Chimps were deathly allergic to radishes. The Chimps wouldn't die instantly, but over time they would eventually develop a chronic illness that eats away your body from the outside in. The Chimps only had a few days to defeat Paco before they would all be killed by the radishes. For the next few days we kept on battling, but the Radishes were draining our soldiers. We were dropping like flies and the Rabbits had gained the upper hand. We had to use our secret weapon. I called Pierre who was back home and told him to send off the nuclear bomb our scientists were working on. The problem was we have never done a practice run with it...
I used my booster to evacuate in preparation for the explosion, but as I looked into the sky, there was a huge explosion up on our planet. The launch didn't go so well, and the bomb detonated while still on the planet. There was a flash of red throughout the sky, and I knew our hopes were over. My army kept on fighting, but we were no match anymore. Our soldiers were in lots of physical pain because of the radishes and Bigfoot was ripping them apart like they were breadsticks. There was no hope so I decided to flee and try to live out my life like a normal Space Chimpanzee would. As I was fleeing I flew into a giant net. I was trapped and had no chance of escaping as my skin was eating my body away. A man walked up to me; he was very muscular and had an ominous presence. It was famed Squatcher Bill Morison! I had only heard stories of him, but I knew I was in trouble. He brought me to Paco and sold me for 19 karats of gold and was on his way. I begged for Paco's mercy, but he wasn't having any of it. Paco leaned over the net and without saying a word pulled out his collectors edition light saber and cut off my limbs one at a time, and left me to bleed out.