No Good Bloody Pirates

February 8, 2009
By
No Good Bloody Pirates


She galloped from building to building. Her long, wavy, black hair whipped behind her. As she jumped, her beloved hat almost fell of her head. Her grassy-green eyes sparked with determination. She jumped one last time, off The Faithful Bride, which was the most popular bar in the pirate island of Tortuga. She turned around and entered the bar. She eyed everyone in the room. 'Paul Gindens! Show yourself!' she yelled over the accordion playing unrehearsed music.

'Ah, if it isn't Captain Madeline,' Paul said to her.

'I'm no longer a captain because you stole my boat you ninny!' Madeline said with anger.

'Maddy, I took your boat without permission,' Paul said slyly. Maddy slapped him across the face. 'I had intentions of giving it back!' Paul yelled clasping his cheek. 'I did it to get you to join me on a quest in search of Uganda's treasure,' Paul explained.

'One, you could have asked me and two, Uganda is your mother, just ask her,' Maddy snapped.

'I can assure you that she'll never tell me. She didn't hide it just to be found by me. It is a treasure so valuable that it is rumored to be stashed in a golden chest,' Paul said.

He is obviously drunk thought Maddy. 'I'll go, if you give me my boat back,' Maddy negotiated.

'It's a deal,' Paul said shaking Maddy's hand.

The next morning they were leaving Tortuga on the Doubtful. Maddy recognized a few faces.

There was an elderly man with a blue bandanna, no tongue, and a parrot. This was Mr. Fleece.
There was Marty, a scruffy, bald, bearded midget.

There were Pintel and Regetti who are brothers. Pintel is a portly, bearded man with poor hygiene, and Regetti, the blond, skinny man that was missing an eye.

Lastly, there was Mr. Gibbs who is old, smelly, and resembled a gorilla.

The rest of the crew was new. On the deck there was a woman at the steering wheel. She was tall, had black hair that was covered by a sun hat. She was as tan as the Doubtful itself.

'All hands on deck!' Paul shouted from an upper level of the deck. He opened his compass. 'We go um, that way,' Paul said pointing toward the Faithful Bride.

'Paul, we have enough of that below deck,' exclaimed Mr. Gibbs.

Marty waddled below deck and came back up with a bottle. 'Try again Captain,' Marty squeaked.

Paul looked at the compass again. 'Westward!' he said pointing north. The woman at the wheel slowly turned the wheel. Creek! They were heading for Serpent's Cove, the second most dangerous place in the Caribbean, next to Shipwreck Cove of course. Paul gulped down his rum within seconds.

The woman pulled Paul aside and whispered something gravely in his ear. Is this his latest girlfriend, thought Maddy.

'No Anna Maria,' Paul whispered.

Maddy galloped down the stairs below deck. Her feet splashed in the sea water. Apparently there's a leak, thought Maddy. Fin followed her down. 'Fin, what do you suppose that Paul is really looking for?' asked Maddy.

Fin said nothing but a confused sigh as he rummaged through he maps. 'Ah, so he's hiding it,' Fin said with his deep British accent. He walked to the rum storage room.

Maddy pursued after him with a puzzled look.

Fin came back out empty handed. He looked around the room. He spotted spilled gunpowder near a barrel. 'There it is!' he said under his breath as he pried open the barrel.

He pulled out a bamboo map. 'This is what we're really looking for,' said Fin showing Maddy the map.

'Wait, how do you know that's where we're going?' Maddy whispered.

'He hid it,' Fin said with a grin.

Maddy pulled her trousers up to her hips and stomped up the stairs. She marched over to Jack. 'Paul you're lying to the whole crew. We aren't looking for treasure, we are looking for The Fountain of Youth,' Maddy yelled into Paul's face.

'Shh, that's our little secret you and I, I and you, us,' said Paul. He's obviously drunk again, thought Maddy.

'What?' questioned Regetti and then everyone started questioning the Captain. Paul looked defeated.

'I'd bet a million fortunes that Jack Sparrow doesn't have to deal with this kind of stuff,' Paul sighed.

'All right, I'll spill the beans,' Paul said.

'Mmm, beans be tasty sometimes,' Marty commented.

'After lunch; pickles and eggs for everyone!' Paul continued. Everyone rushed to the dining quarters except Paul, Fin and Maddy.

'You're such a liar,' yelled Fin with anger.

'I've been called worse mate, just ask Anna Maria,' Paul said slyly.

'Why Paul?' Maddy asked.

'I'm aging and I won't live forever. My whole life is the sea and I won't let it end soon,' Paul replied.

'Thoughtful excuse Paul. Can we get to the real reason now?' said Fin sarcastically.

'I'm getting old you bloody nincompoop! Heck yesterday I found a gray dread lock!' Paul said as his tan face slowly shaded a deep rose-red.

'Thanks for the real reason Paul,' Fin said happily.

Keen, very keen. Good thing he's on my side, thought Maddy. 'Wait a second, all of this over a dread lock?!?' Maddy wondered out loud.

'It was my favorite one,' Paul exclaimed. Paul pulled out a bottle of rum. As he raised it to his mouth Fin grabbed it out of his hands and ran. 'Give that back Fin or else!' Paul shouted with fury. They ran around in circles nearly pushing poor Mr. Fleece off the edge of the ship.

'Stop it the two of you or I'll get Uganda herself right here right now!' Maddy yelled. Both men were silent.

'Stupid sea witch,' Paul mumbled.

Marty came waddling up the steps. 'Do you want a pickle Captain?' he asked holding up a green, bumpy pickle. Then there was a loud blast that shook the ship.

It was Barbossa's ship The Doubtless. He never was very creative, thought Maddy.

'I want my map back!' shouted an angry Barbossa. His scraggly, gray beard blew in the salty sea breeze.

'You stole the map!' Pintel cried

'Aye, you just can't complete a task without stealing a few maps,' Paul said over the cannon shots.

'You're the reason why we're under attack you idiot!' Anna Maria screamed.

A few members of Barbossa's filthy crew hopped aboard The Doubtful. A war broke out between the crews. Swords clanged and clashed together.

Maddy's sword was nowhere to be found. She grabbed a plank of wood in a panic. A giant pirate lunged toward her. She pinched her eyes shut as she whacked him with the splintering board.

Above the noise of the fight there was a gun shot. Barbossa's chapped lips blew the smoke coming from his pistol. Thud!

Anna Maria fell to the ground, her hand covering her slowly thumping heart. Her puffy, white shirt slowly started to turn dark red. Crew members from both sides rushed to her.

'Anna Maria?!' Paul shouted as he squeezed through the crowd.

'Paul, come down here,' she whispered.

Paul lowered himself, 'Yes?' he said with confusion.

Anna Maria raised her hand and slapped him.

'Ouch, hey at least end your life happily!' he said clasping his cheek again.

'I just did,' she whispered closing her eyes one last time. The crew went silent as they heard her exhale her last breath.

Paul was first to rise.
Paul tip-toed below deck and retrieved a map and thrust is at Barbossa. 'Take it,' Paul said with sorrow.

'Thank you Paul. You know of all of the weapons of the world, tragedy always works best. He, he, he, he, he,' Barbossa chuckled evilly.

The Doubtless's crew returned to the ship laughing with victory. After the ship was out of sight Jack turned to the crew.

'Those pudding heads think that they won,' Paul laughed.

'Um, Captain, they did win,' explained Mr. Gibbs.

'Now that is where you are wrong. I gave them the map from Tortuga to Singapore. This is the real map,' Paul said pulling out the real map.

'But, what about Anna Maria?' asked Regetti.

'Oh, never really thought of that. We'll um, stop by Luna Isle and bury her there next to her beloved cat Theodore. Yeah and while we're there I'll spit on the evil feline's grave and we'll have a huge party in her honor,' Paul pondered.

Everyone went back to work. Paul disappeared below deck. Anna Maria's corpse was placed on the bench. Maddy followed Paul in the shadows. 'Oh Lord, how am I going to break this to Jacoby?' Paul mumbled.

'What's the matter Paul?' asked Maddy.

'How can I tell a man that his girlfriend is dead? Hey Jacoby, nice weather we've been having, oh yeah, did I forget to mention that Anna Maria is dead? But, if I tell him that -no- well maybe 'no. I've got nothing. I can't go on,' Paul said with fear.

'I'll tell him. Now focus on getting us to the Fountain, okay. Even if tragedy strikes, never give up. If we quit now she would've died for nothing,' Maddy said to him seriously.

They arrived at Luna Isle. Paul wandered around the beach searching until he found a stone that marked 'Here lies Theodore, don't terrorize him or he'll haunt you forever' after he read that he had second thoughts on spitting there.

After burying Anna Maria and paying their respects they headed off to Serpent's Cove. The ride there was short and boring. After arriving Paul threw a goat carcass overboard into the piranha infested waters. They stepped onto the ledge of the cave floor. Paul's compass spun around until it decided to point to the tunnel to the right.

After miles of twists and turns they arrived at a statue of an eagle with an inscription on its beak. 'In order to find the Fountain you must find the key that unlocks the door. If you choose the wrong key you will pay the price,' Paul read aloud. The ground began to shake. Clay stands rose from the floor, all holding keys with skeleton hands attached to every single one.

'All of the keys have been removed and the remover paid the price,' pondered Fin.

'There is no Fountain! If all of the keys didn't work,' explained Pintel with anger.

'Wait on cotton picking minute. Look at the door. There is no lock! All of the people before us guessed and didn't pay any attention to their surrounding. Open the door Maddy!' said Paul with excitement.

Maddy slowly turned the door handle. She opened the door to reveal, a gold fountain the size of a gun powder barrel that had shimmering water.

'Yes! We found it. We'll all be young again! Even better this thing is work millions. We'll be young and rich!' Paul shouted. Everyone celebrated the treasure of all treasures was theirs for the taking.

All of the men, except for Maddy and Fin took a swig of fountain water. 'Yuck this tastes like goat droppings!' shouted Regetti.

'How do you know what goat droppings taste like?' asked Fin laughing hysterically.

Everyone slowly turned from senior citizens to twenty year olds.

It took everyone to haul the fountain out of the cave. They all celebrated their youth on the ship.

Although the crew figured it would happen, upon returning to Tortuga, the fountain was stolen by pirates.

About two months later after a party at The Faithful Bride, Paul remembered something very important. They still haven't broken the bad news to Jacoby!





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