How the World was Saved

October 2, 2016

Hi everyone. Do you know how the world was almost destroyed, and then saved?

It all started when some doofus decided to try and experiment with some viruses. This inane fool thought it would be a good idea to test it out on lab rats. Unfortunately, the guy thought it would be a good idea to leave the door open and letting the rats into the wild. And decided not to tell anyone that a new, highly contagious pathogen was loose, for fear of being punished.

This new virus turned humans into vacuous bags of contamination that only lived to wander around purposelessly, spreading the virus. The only problem was if they saw uninfected humans, they would go near them, start coughing, and spread the virus. The virus spread like wildfire, despite people’s best efforts to avoid suspicious strangers that randomly walked towards them and started coughing up a storm. But wait, there’s more!

The virus was able to contaminate half the human population before they found a vaccine. And another half of the remaining population before they got everyone vaccinated. People brainstormed ideas about how to deal with the infected. Many suggested ignoring them and letting them starve (the virus made people incapable of finding food on their own). But when a council of former world leaders decided how to deal with the masses of infected, the ethical qualities of humanity came out. They had a plan to save the human race!

First, they rounded up anyone who had knowledge that could help them make a cure, and they set them to work. Next, they sent people to get the food from various food stores around the world, transporting them to humanity’s temporary base. Infected humans were irresistibly attracted to food -- more so than normal humans! They went around, luring all the infected people to a few areas, and dropped food for them so they wouldn’t starve. It worked well for a while, but we were running out of food.

While all of this was going on, the scientists finally found a cure. How’d they do it? Remember that guy from above? Well, they found him, and it turns out he had crucial information for the cure. Which he decided not to tell anyone. Again, a true fool.

They made it into a liquid, sprayed it onto the infected, and cured them. They had no memory of what happened, and had many questions; “Where am I? What happened? Why am I so fat?” After people figured it out and got over the astonishment of all the blubber they’ve accumulated (“But I was on a diet!”), everyone celebrated and we decided to go back to our normal lives.  

While all of this was going on, a group of people decided to destroy all the world’s military power, including nuclear weapons, instructions on how to build them, etc. Of course, people could just create them again, but this brought at least temporary peace and removed some of the fear that people would try to take advantage of each other in humanity’s recovery stage.

Going back to the guy from the beginning. He was tried, but they let him go. He argued it was all a plan to bring world peace, he knew exactly what he was doing, it was the janitor who let the rats out, etc. Yeah, right. But before they could get the facts straight, it was too late. He was gone.

We couldn’t find him. Some rumors suggested he changes his name and is living under a false identity. Others think he’s making another bioweapon. Still others think he tripped on his stupidity and fell off a cliff. No one knows. All that matters is that the world was saved. And that world governments have passed laws regarding how to keep pathogen-infected rats in their cages.


The end.

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