When will the madness end? Crime rates in the city have skyrocketed in the past years with no logical explanation. This spike in crime is caused aliens running rampant in streets. Hundreds of years ago, a seemingly inane scientist claimed that crime rates were increasing due to extraterrestrial activities. City police disregarded this report and went along business as usual. Last week, police caught an E.T. at the scene of a bank robbery. At first it appeared that the alien was not a culprit to the crime. In the interrogation chamber, the bank robber denied any knowledge of the robbery. Police suspected that the alien was not as innocent as it appeared. The alien was put in custody by the police later that day. Police officials concur that these aliens have the ability to control the feeble minds of humans. Have we uncovered a clandestine ring of extraterrestrial gangs? The president called an immediate address to the nation from the white house. “I admonished all citizens to remain in their house until we resolve this problem,” Mr. President said earlier today. “The E.T.s have no ethics. Their objective is to create chaos.” Negotiators came in contact with the ring leader of the alien gang earlier today. Negotiators tried to form a contract of agreement under duress with the aliens that would give unyielding exploitation of Detroit. The United States realized that Detroit was already too far gone to save. The proposal was rejected. It appears that the aliens have inexorable motives. Negotiation is futile. These aliens have committed flagrant crimes and must be treated like criminals. Our only option is to use force. National Guard forces have been enlisted in all major cities around the United States. Citizens should remain calm and remain in their houses. It is strictly prohibited to let aliens into your house. Please allow 5 to 10 business days before you leave your house.
January 12, 2009