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Bob O’Bryan the Barbarian!
(AKA BOB: Orangutan super soldier extreme shapeshifter assassin extraordinaire)
By: Master Reise Wayner…
Back in the 1100’s a lone orangutan stood alone, by himself, on a pile of lonely dead bodies…His name was Bob O’Bryan the Barbarian (Orangutan super soldier extreme shapeshifter assassin extraordinaire)
It all started when Bob was a little kid, he had always liked to shoot stuff, and when he got a flamethrower kitty for Christmas he was as happy as could be.
“I am as happy as can be!” said Bob. So him and his flamethrower kitty went around together and burned down the whole village. Later that day Bob got sent to the burnt down mayors’ office and was banished from his town forever until he had made a reputation for himself…
10 YEARS LATER
He had nothing else to do but to live out his life alone, so he decided to go on a mission to make himself better so that one day he may rejoin his clan in the trees…
As Bob was wandering threw the wilderness he got hungry so he decided to eat a giant cockroach. Therefore, he went looking for a cockroach. When he found one, he had to figure out how to eat the cockroach because he had heard that they were next to invincible. He tried using his katana; it bounced off the hard as rock scales of the cockroach, next he tried using his flamethrower kitty, and he was the one who was burned. Finally, after trying everything that he knew, he asked his flamethrower kitty. (Cats in those days could talk,)
“Insolent fool!” yelled the cat, “Don’t you know that the only way to kill a cockroach is to learn its true name.”
So Bob just decided to try out random words. After trying about 100 words he tried, “Lugascoockooroachrous!” screamed Bob. Then all of a sudden the cockroach exploded, but it was a magical cockroach and they were thought to be extinct. (The thing with magical cockroaches is that if you get any of its guts or fluids on you, you will get a magical random power.) Bob was spattered with magical juices and he didn’t even realize that anything was wrong until the next day…
THE NEXT DAY…
The next day Bob woke up to find that he was a banana. Since he was an orangutan he tried to eat himself, but then he found out that he was really a banana and not in a dream. “What da heck!” Bob yelled, “How did I end up being a banana flamethrower kitty?”
“I would not know,” said the kitty.
“I bet that it was that cockroach, I heard sometimes that they can give you magical random powers. Awwwww… the power that it gave me is to become a banana. That’s not kewl yo!” whined Bob.
“No, wait Bob, hurry, think about anything other than you and a banana,” said flamethrower kitty. Bob thought, and thought, and thought, and then he finally came up with a thought. He turned into a pile of horse feces.
“Bob! You are a shapeshifter!!!?!?!??!?!?!!!” screamed the flamethrower kitty.
“Woo! I can change shape! I’m going to try to change into a few more things.” Then Bob tried out his new ability: he turned into his best friend flamethrower kitty, then he turned into a knife, then he turned into a weird old guy, and then he turned into a computer, and said “What the heck! What are these things? They haven’t even been invented yet. I will tell the world!” (And that is how computers were created.)
After he had had his fun, he continued on his journey as his normal self. As Bob was walking along, he saw some people off in the distance, so he yelled to them. “Hello I’m Bob O’Bryan the shapeshifter and this is my flamethrower kitty!” Then the people turned around and started to walk toward him. It took a few minutes to get to where he was, so he just sat there twiddling his thumbs.
When they got there, he was so thrilled to see other people that he gave them a big hug. The person that looked like the leader said, “Bob we have come for you…” All of a sudden they grabbed him and his flamethrower kitty, knocked them out, and stuffed them in a bag…
When he woke up, he was in a camp full of pirate ninjas that were recruiting for the royal orangutan army. They had captured him to be on the front lines of the battle against the kings enemy’s so that the king will have more land and citizens. The ninja pirates then proceeded to tell Bob about how they would go around catching orangutans for the royal army, and mostly just making them slaves until they proved themselves in battle. Then they were set free.
All of a sudden, the pirate ninjas put the bag over Bob’s head, knocked him out, and said that they were going to battle.
When Bob awoke, he was in battle armor and on the front lines of a battalion that was facing a little town called Flocwrangledoopeke the gossip capital of the rival kingdom. The rival kingdom also had an orangutan army, and they were preparing for battle.
After waiting for about an hour both armies started marching. The rival army was much bigger, so most of Bob’s army ran away, but he stood alone (because he was very courageous) and ran into the battle. He destroyed most of the rival army all by himself, because of his superpowers. What he did was this -- first he turned into one of the rival armies’ militia, then he proceeded to massacre most of the enemy. They didn’t even know what had hit them. The rest of the rival army that was not destroyed ran away. Bob had just won his first victory. Since Flocwrangledoopeke was the gossip capital of the rival kingdom, they spread the rumor that the kings’ army had unleashed a powerful person that could not be stopped. They called the person Bob O’Bryan the Barbarian Orangutan extreme shapeshifter…
When Bob heard of this his first reaction was shock. He was so exited because if he made a good reputation he would finally get to go home. But they still would not let him go home without a bigger reputation so he would stay in the army and fight.
They told him that his next mission he would have to go alone, because he was going to assassinate somebody. The commissioner still hadn’t told him who he was going to assassinate, when he shoved a bow and arrow in his hand and told him to go get’im! Then the Ninja pirates put a bag over his head and stuffed him into the cart to take him to his next mission, and when he got there he would be told his next assignment.
He got there and his whole body was sore from bouncing on the cart. His whole body was black and blue and he felt like he was going to throw up. So he did throw up and his flamethrower kitty licked it up, because he had eaten fish the day before. “Gross flamethrower kitty! Why would you do that?” said Bob.
“Because I like fish and cats usually eat fish. Thank you very much!” said flamethrower kitty.
“Fine, be gross if you want.” sighed Bob as he pretended to gag.
Just as he finished the sentence the commissioner showed up and told Bob that he was going to assassinate the KING OF THE RIVAL KINGDOM!!!
DUM DUM DAAAA!
This could be the chance to end the war permanently. Bob hurried up and grabbed his assassin gear, and walked up to the castle to start his mission and to end the war…
The first person that he met was an enemy, so he knocked him out and turned into him with his shapeshifting powers. Then he made his way up the hill and got into the castle no problem, because it turned out that the person he had ambushed had been the gatekeeper of the castle. He slowly made his way to the top of the west tower overlooking the king’s quarters, and then set up his bow. But to pull this off he had to wait until the king went to bed which was in two hours…
TWO HOURS LATER
Two hours later Bob saw the king going to his quarter, so he started to prepare to assassinate him. First he set up his bow on a tripod to keep it stable, next notched his arrow and waiting. The king was in his bed now just lying there, a perfect time to strike, but he still waited because he wanted to be sure that this was the right shot. When the king was snoring loudly he took the shot. To his horror the first arrow missed because a gust of wind rumbled through the castle and its battlements. He waited, and waited, and waited. Luckily no one noticed him. He notched a second arrow and shot it this time it flew true and all that was heard was a scream that died out quickly…
Just as the king uttered his last words, (which was an earsplitting scream) the alarm was sounded and 20,000 guards came rushing out, and quick as a flash Bob turned into a mouse and scurried out of the castle. But when he got out of the castle there were 10’000 people in front of him blocking his way, so he decided to stand and fight. To make matters worse the other guards that were inside the castle came rushing out also, so in the end it was 30,000 to one…
Bob thought fast and turned into an enemy soldier and that got everybody fighting each other, and because of what the fighting soldiers were doing, that created a distraction that led to Bob’s getaway.
Bob went down after the fight and looked at all of the dead bodies. In the middle of the field was a pile of lonely, dead bodies, he was the only one alive on those killing fields.
When Bob got back to his camp he was greeted by the commissioner who said that he had done a good job and that people were calling him Bob O’Bryan the Barbarian Orangutan super soldier extreme shapeshifter assassin extraordinaire. The commissioner also said that he had built up a big enough reputation and that he was being discharged from the army. He could finally go home!!
When he got home he was greeted warmly by his family and he lived happily ever after…OR DID HE… (Stay tuned for a maybe sequel…)
THE END (or is it!!??...)