The Ballad of Lithium Fluoride

December 19, 2008
By
Once upon a time in the city of Periodic, in the state of Table,

there lived a battery called Lithium. He lived all by himself on the

far side of the Heavy Metal district, on First Street to be exact.

Lithium spent most of his time dreaming of what life was like in

Club Ionic which was located on the other side of town across the

zigzag border.


Club Ionic was where all the Nonmetals gathered. You could

find Nitrogen, Oxygen, and Phosphorus clubbing almost every night.

The Noble gases also attended regularly. But the main attraction

at Club Ionic isn't the cool club-going elements; it's the pop sen-

sation girl group, The Halogens. This fantastic group consisted of

the hottest female elements in all of Periodic, Table. Every one

of them was gorgeous, but one caught Lithium's eye more than all

rest, the lead vocalist Fluorine who had a great toothpaste tube

figure.


Lithium had only seen these awesome celebrities in the latest

issues of "Chemistry Weekly" and "Ions Gone Wild". He had never

actually had the privilege of gazing upon them in person because he

was a mere metal and wasn't allowed in the club. The Bouncers that

guarded the club's entrance were some of the toughest around.

Boron, Silicon, and Arsenic stayed outside the club's doors to ensure

that no metal could come in. One day Lithium decided to try to

sneak into the club.



It was a friday night and Lithium was determined to make it into

the club without getting caught. He left his house on First Street and

climbed into his graduated cylinder with twin Bunsen Burners and

headed off in the direction of Club Ionic. He went straight down

Second Period and took a right onto Second Street and then a left at

Fourth Period. He headed straight until he got within a few blocks of

border.


Lithium waited and watched from the shadows until he saw all

three bouncers step away for a neutron break. This was his chance.

He took a deep breath, came out of his cover, and slipped into the

place that had dominated his dreams and fantasies for years. It was

amazing. Until that time Lithium had believed that Noble Gases were

inert, but as he entered the club he saw Helium, Neon, Argon,

Krypton, Xenon, and Radon putting on the most impressive light show

he had ever seen. The steady pump of the Halogens music drew him

to the stage where he saw her, Fluorine herself, in person. His jaw

dropped to the floor for she was far more beautiful than any scientific

tabloid could ever portray. He was convinced that if he could talk to

her for just five minutes, he could make her fall in love with him.


As the Halogens were taking a break, Lithium meandered his way

over to the fume hood where Fluorine was sitting enjoying a round of

alloy all by herself. Confident that she needed some company, he

waltzed right up to her and said, "What's up girl?"



"Just taking a break, did you catch the show?", she asked.



"Did I ever! I never knew you were so amazing!", Lithium replied.


"Haven't you ever been here before?"


"No, I'm Lithium, a metal. I snuck in here to see you because I had

to profess my love for you!"


" What? You? A Metal? Love Me? I'm a Halogen, you know a Non-

Metal."


"Don't you see?", he pleaded, "We're perfect for each other! What's

your charge?"


"My charge?", she asked confused. "I'm a minus one...."


"And I'm a plus one! Don't you see how much easier it would be to

bond with me than with one of those Noble Gases? I mean, they're

animals on the dance floor but when it comes to bonding, they're

practically inert!"


"I see your point.", she said.


"So....so you want to go out sometime? I know this great little

supercollider that would be a perfect place to go!"


"Well," she said tentatively, "I don't see why not."


"Alright then, it's settled. How's tomorrow at say, eight o'clock?"


"That sounds perfect!", she replied enthusiastically.


Lithium went home that night walking on electron cloud nine. All

he could think about was his big date with Fluorine. That night , he

jumped into his graduated cylinder with twin Bunsen Burners and roared

down the streets of Periodic to go pick up Fluorine.


"I had a great time!" She said to him as he walked her to her front

door.


"Me too!", he replied. "I hope we do it again sometime."


He leaned in to give her a goodnight kiss and before he knew it he

was in a beaker wearing a brand new, shiny coat on his bonding day.

Fluorine gazed at him from under her veil as the Radon said, "You may

now kiss the bride."


And from that day forward, Lithium and Fluorine are still happily

bonded. They provided an example to elements everywhere. This

truth still holds true today, opposites really do attract!





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