It's been 12 days. 12 days since I lost control. 12 days since any human contact. It's been 12 long, agonizing days, that I've been trapped inside my own mind. There were no warning signs, no odd happenings that were to predict this event. Yet, here i am, facing my deepest fears and reliving the tragedies that I thought I had forgotten. But here's the frightening truth: you very rarely ever forget something. It just gets pushed back deeper and deeper into your mind until you believe it cannot be reached any longer. But trust me, it's always there, itching to be released.

I thought I had mostly forgotten the day my first dog died. I thought just the knowledge of his death remained, but through these 12 days, I've had to experience his death over and over again in utter detail, because, I am trapped in my own existence. I have come to the harsh realization that in this day, and maybe from this day forth, I do not and possibly will never have the abilities to escape from my own mind.

It's not just my memories that I am reliving, but my imagination has also played a large part in this terrible nightmare of an event. Scenarios play on through my mind infinitely, most bad, but every now and again, a concept will come forth that is...heartwarming. That makes me smile, even when I am strongly anticipating a gut wrenching scheme to follow it. Take last night, for instance. My imagination created a concept where my father took me to a baseball game, in which we laughed and ate hot dogs in the setting sun. The scenario following it, though, I expect to haunt me the rest of my days. I was told by my brother, that I had killed my father. Even though it was an accident, I still ultimately murdered my father (who was/is severely allergic to peanuts) by switching my PB&J sandwich with his ham and cheese. So, as you can tell, the warm, cuddly feeling of the baseball game quickly dispersed along with my hopes of getting out of this eternal place of suffering.

I was just about to give into my desolation, when I found a chink in the armor of my destruction: I just have to convince myself that my all the thoughts swimming around in the dark pool of my mind are innocent and without fault, like that of which a young child.

It's been 3 days. 3 days since I gained control. 3 days since I was reunited with my life. It's been 3 short, joyous days, since I broke out of the confines of my mind. The whole experience was liberating to say the least, however, I would never wish it upon anyone. But I know that just because I simply hope and wish that my experience won't become someone else's experience, doesn't mean that my wish will be granted. Therefore, I suggest you learn how to convince yourself that your mind harbors no unknown secrets that could cause your destruction.