Splinter

July 19, 2013
By chloejane SILVER, Gatton Australia, Other
chloejane SILVER, Gatton Australia, Other
6 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper


Prologue

I can hear someone screaming my name, its high pitched and desperate, a woman’s perhaps? I venture deeper into the empty field, the grass brushing against my knees. The barbed wire fence vanished in the darkness, just like everything else did. In the distance I can see flashes of light and my name is yelled louder and louder. Jason! Jason! Jason! The flashes of light coming from the left side turn to silver and the flashes coming from the right turn into ember. I flinch. Something about that colour makes me want to curl in a ball and hide.

I’m running now, mostly because my name is no longer being yelled and I feel as if I am being pulled towards the bottom of the hill. The grass tangles around my feet and I stumble for a moment before catching my footing again. It is darker this side of the field, and the stars that dotted the sky in glitter could not be seen, the moon had also disappeared. In the back of my mind I can see a woman with golden hair and eyes that were the colour of the stars and the sun put together. She’s kneeling on the damp grass and a figure hovers over her, it’s wearing a black cloak and that’s all I can see of him, his arms out stretched towards the sky and ember rays of light coming from the palms of his hands.
When I reach the hill I realise that I hadn’t been imagining a thing. A woman with golden hair was kneeling on the damp ground helplessly, the grass covering half of her body and her head bent towards the ground, as if she was studying the textures of the grass and dirt. I hid between the grass which had felt as sticky as honey, the earth was mucky and it sunk beneath my weight.

All I could do was watch, I watch the sky churn and rumble until a tornado like cylinder appeared and touched the ground. The grass started to whip and pull towards the tornado, when I looked at the sky next it was a ray of colours, green, orange, purple, gold, silver, ember, there were too many colours to count.

“Do you see what happens when you do not listen to me?” a deep and dark voice came from within the cloak. “You did this; it is your own fault your children will die tonight.”


The author's comments:
Prologue of the book I am trying to write.

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This article has 3 comments.


on Aug. 10 2013 at 6:41 am
chloejane SILVER, Gatton Australia, Other
6 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

Thank you, both of you. I find that I struggle with the pacing a lot actually, when the pace quickens, I slow down. It's extreemly frustrating. Human emotion is hard which is why writing that prologue was hard for me, I try to write to the more realistic side so I can write about things that I can relate to. And this prologue is a genre that I never write, it was different and difficult for me.  I want to be able to be the writer that can draw a reader in just by reading the first sentence, but I am lacking in skill in that area. I suppose if I write more I will eventually get it. 

None0 BRONZE said...
on Aug. 2 2013 at 12:50 am
None0 BRONZE, Bellevue, Washington
2 articles 0 photos 96 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Believe in the ideal, not the idol." - Serra

Okay, the main thing I find to be lacking here is the pacing. You seem to use different sentence structures in places that they don't fit (i.e. use lots of short sentences when the pace goes fast, and longer sentences when the pace is slow, not counting the exceptions). The transition between ideas also could have been smoother in places. Don't force all of the ideas out at once. Try to visualize what the character is experiencing, and go through a logical progression of ideas in the writing (becomes more difficult with emotions, or that could just be me).   Other than that, just work on the showing v. telling language and you should be good to go.

on Jul. 31 2013 at 5:42 pm
Carly_Elizabeth PLATINUM, Othello, Washington
39 articles 0 photos 131 comments

Favorite Quote:
"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
Roald Dahl

Wether or not this turns into a great story depends on the main idea is. I think its a great prologue, it can draw the reader in with the mystery and confusion with the main character, but it doesn't really give you a lot to go on. So I think you could turn this into a story, just take it and roll with it. 


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