Enchant

March 23, 2013
By holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane


Mia is the new girl at school, a funny, confident, drama queen. Ella and her friends are sure there's nothing suspicious about her. But when a old amethyst necklace helps them discover Mia's real home, they find themselves facing unimaginable dangers as they attempt to get back to reality. Chapter 1: The necklace Strolling along with my best friends by my side, I could honestly say that this was the first time I’d been happy in weeks. For just a few hours, I’d been able to forget my troubles and just enjoy being around people who didn't hide things from me.

I think my friends knew something was bothering me, but they accepted that I wasn't ready to talk about it. Instead of trying to draw it out of me, they did their best to distract me, gossiping and laughing like normal.

“Look!” said Mia excitedly, pointing at a newly opened shop.

Mia had only recently joined our group, after starting at our school a few weeks ago. She was funny and confident, a complete drama queen, with her own unique style. Not afraid to stand out from the crowd, her wardrobe mainly consisted of bargains picked up at vintage shops. She was pretty, but as long as she liked the way she looked, didn't care what other people thought (unlike some girls I know!).

We all looked towards the shop she was pointing at. My first thought was: ‘really Mia?’

The shop’s shabby exterior wasn't exactly a customer magnet. Paint was peeling off the window frames, and the name of the shop, ‘Hidden Treasures’, was barely visible, written in a tacky gold color above the door.

However, I understood why Mia wanted to look inside. Clothes that matched her style perfectly decorated the windows – for bargain prices too.

Amber rolled her eyes, looking at the shop as if it was chewing gum on her shoe. Sometimes, I couldn't believe how much my old best friend had changed. Now, all she cared about was how she looked and what other people thought of her. I have to admit, she was pretty, but unlike Mia, she knew it. She was arrogant, and acted like she looked down on the rest of us – especially Mia. But if Mia cared about Amber’s opinion, she did a good job of hiding it.

“Come on, Amber. We all spent hours trailing around TopShop with you,” Rosie was the mother hen of our group, considerate and caring, the one who looked after us all.

Amber looked as if she was about to disagree, but merely shrugged and rolled her eyes again, before following us into the shop.

The dim light inside was a sharp contrast compared to the floods of sunlight on the high street. I had to blink several times in order to make out the delicate, old fashioned furniture in the room – most of which were almost collapsing under piles of clothes. The dilapidated exterior of the shop certainly didn't do the inside justice. It was like Aladdin’s cave. Exquisite jewellery and beautiful clothes were scattered around the room and a towering glass cabinet took up almost all of the back wall.

Following Mia shyly, I ran my fingers over a soft velvet scarf on a table. Rosie and Jasmine were captivated by the almost magical objects too. Only Amber remained unimpressed. But I think that, secretly, she also admired the stunning artifacts.

The cabinet at the back of the room looked like it was constantly observing us, like those creepy portraits in old houses, deciding whether we were a threat or not.

Mia halted abruptly, causing me to walk straight into her.
“Mia!” I hissed, slightly annoyed. It was so eerie, so mystical in the shop, I felt as if someone would appear and pounce on me just for speaking. She didn't say anything. Just stood and stared at something I couldn't see, her eyes glazed over like she was being hypnotized.

Looking over her shoulder. I gasped in surprise. A single necklace was sheltered by the intimidating glass cabinet. Resting on a purple velvet cushion, the gold chain of the necklace wasn't at all tarnished. A single jewel hung from the center. An amethyst, I think. It was brilliant, beautiful, breath taking. The sort of thing you imagine only exists in fairy tales. Worn by the lucky princess, who is envied by all the day dreaming little girls.

It felt like an invisible wire was dragging me closer. I was living in a bubble, a magical bubble in which no one else existed. I was unaware of everything else around me. Nothing mattered – except the necklace.

A heavy mist surrounded me. I felt dizzy, but amazingly happy at the same time. Memories of long ago times played inside my head; memories I had done my best to lock away recently.

All too soon, the mist evaporated, my recollections fading with it. But I knew what I had to do to make the memories come back. I reached out, my finger-tips clawing desperately at thin air, before closing around a dainty key.

“I wouldn't do that if I were you,” a voice managed to penetrate my magic bubble, but only for a second. The voice didn't belong to any of my friends. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw them jump in shock.

In the corner, partially hidden by shadows, sat an old woman. She had long, silver hair, tumbling down her back in metallic waves. She was wearing a luxurious dress, not unlike the ones in the shop. But I only noticed those things for a second; it was her eyes that caught my attention. Clear, calm, crystal blue eyes, like a pool on a windless day. It was like she could see inside your soul with those eyes.

Beside me, I could see Mia also staring at the woman, before the necklace regained control of my head. This time, nothing could stop me from achieving my goal. Even with the old woman’s words still ringing in my ears, I turned the key. The door gave a satisfying click as it swung open, leaving the necklace unprotected.

With Mia at my side (she was also enchanted by the necklace’s beauty), I stretched out my arm. The memories came flooding back as I curled my fingers around the chain, pulling it gently towards me.

For a few seconds, my life was perfect. Just by holding the necklace, I could force any unwanted thoughts back into their titanium box.

Then nothing.

My illusions ideas of happy days with my whole family behind me were shattered; leaving behind only cruel, crushing realities

That was when the room started spinning. Spinning faster and faster, until the only things I could see were hundreds of blurred colors. Fear clutched tightly at my chest, suffocating me, crushing my lungs until I could no longer breathe. My brain began to shut down – I couldn't think, I couldn't move. I was paralyzed.

Reacting on pure adrenaline, I grabbed Mia’s arm, determined not to let go. My feet lifted off the ground – It felt like my body was weightless. I remember the terrifying spinning stop, and Mia shaking my shoulder.

Then I blacked out.



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This article has 20 comments.


holly1999 GOLD said...
on Oct. 17 2013 at 4:15 am
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane

Thank you for your advice. Origninally, I tried submitting this as a novel, but it wasn't long enough. I've just started writing the second chapter, so I should be able to re-submit it as a novel soon. Thanks again for reading! :)

on Oct. 16 2013 at 6:19 pm
AnInkling SILVER, Castle Rock, Colorado
6 articles 0 photos 110 comments

Favorite Quote:
“This is your life. Is it everything you dreamed that it would be, when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?” Switchfoot
“Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?” Galatians 4:16

I liked it. Have you thought about deleting this "article" and making it a novel instead? It would be easier to read, and then you could add more chapters. As for the writing, you did a pretty good job. I would suggest less explanation and rather for you to show the character of the girls through their actions instead of you just telling the reader what they are like. Also the "old creapy, wise lady with a warning" is very over used, so you might want to try and have the warning come from a little girl or a young boy.

holly1999 GOLD said...
on Oct. 14 2013 at 2:39 pm
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane

Thank you! I've subscribed to you and commented on the thread again :)

on Oct. 14 2013 at 1:42 pm
TimexxFlies GOLD, Sunland, California
16 articles 0 photos 44 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't know the key to success. However, the key to failure is trying to please everybody. ~Bill Cosby

Hi it's TimexxFlies and I'm happy to say that so far you are in! I just need you to subscribe to me (by going to my profile and clicking "Email me when TimexxFlies submits work) and whne you do, get a hold of me some how (comment on my thread or on my work) and one of these days we will meet up on the Teen Ink chat and talk to each other!

holly1999 GOLD said...
on Oct. 12 2013 at 6:27 pm
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane

Thank you                

on Oct. 12 2013 at 6:20 pm
CrazySissi GOLD, Newman Lake, Washington
19 articles 10 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
My only love sprung from my only hate. Too early seen unknown and known too late.

You have a good use of imagery. Keep up the good work. There was one sentance that did not quite make sense because I think you forgot a word but other thatn that it was very good.

holly1999 GOLD said...
on Oct. 12 2013 at 5:50 pm
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane

Thank you! :)

holly1999 GOLD said...
on Oct. 12 2013 at 5:49 pm
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane

Thanks :)                 

holly1999 GOLD said...
on Oct. 12 2013 at 5:49 pm
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane

Thank you for your advice, it really helped when I was writing the next chapter :)

holly1999 GOLD said...
on Oct. 12 2013 at 5:47 pm
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane

I've just started writing it, almost finished. Glad you liked it :)

holly1999 GOLD said...
on Oct. 12 2013 at 5:46 pm
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane

Thank you! :)

on Oct. 12 2013 at 5:44 pm
LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
12 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
“And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.”
- George Carlin

This is a really nice story! I love amethyst! It's so pretty! Overall, I think your story is really nice. Your descriptions are good and give a good picture of what this old store looks like. There are a few grammatical errors, but not too much. I hope you'll continue this because I'm curious about what is so mysterious about Mia and that necklace. Nice Job!

on Oct. 11 2013 at 9:46 pm
Nannette_25 GOLD, McDonough, Georgia
16 articles 1 photo 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I wanted to lie down with those words and rise up speaking a new language"

LOVE your imagery. The scene that you set gives the perfect amount of suspense! Also, I love your characters. They have a wide range of personality.

on Jun. 15 2013 at 5:53 pm
Amaranthinium GOLD, Dade City, Florida
10 articles 0 photos 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do not let numbers tell you what to do. You are blood and earth, not theory and chalk." -Welcome to Night Vale

  Your story sounds awesome - I’m intrigued by what might be going on with the necklace, and where the main character is going to wake up after blacking out. I’d definitely keep reading if there were more. You also write very clearly, and you have some very nice descriptions and figurative language.   I’m also interested in your characters, because I get the feeling there’s a lot to find out about what has happened and will happen to these people. However, one thing: you must show, not tell! For example, instead of telling the readers that Mia is quirky, confident, et cetera, show how bold and odd she is - describe what outfit she’s wearing, describe (as you did) the kind of store that she’s interested in, maybe include a bit of dialogue between her and Amber to contrast their personalities. Also, since this is only chapter one, remember that you have a whole novel to show us the characters’ different traits - you don’t have to tell or show everything all at once! There are other, minor instances where you “tell” instead of “show.” I noticed that you mentioned in parenthesis that “Mia was enchanted by the necklace too.” Instead, maybe describe how she’s gaping at the necklace, unable to look away, or something to that effect. Look out for other parts in the story where you could describe what something is like or how someone is feeling, instead of just telling.   Other than that, I really like this story and I hope you post more soon. I’ll definitely be reading! :) Also, sorry that it took such an embarrassingly long time for me to do your critique haha.  

on Apr. 7 2013 at 3:49 pm
Laugh-it-Out PLATINUM, Brooklyn, New York, New York
38 articles 0 photos 445 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light" --Dylan Thomas

Please tell me that there is more to this peice than just one chapter because you should keep going! Really good! Would. Love to find out what happens after she wakes up......or does she?

HudaZav SILVER said...
on Apr. 2 2013 at 9:53 pm
HudaZav SILVER, Toronto, Other
8 articles 6 photos 392 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Nothing is impossible; the word itself says 'I'm possible'!" -Audrey Hepburn

I was on the edge of my seat-- I liked the suspense. And the metaphors too =) keep it up

holly1999 GOLD said...
on Apr. 1 2013 at 7:38 am
holly1999 GOLD, Middlesbrough, Other
12 articles 8 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
'There was no need to clarify my finger snap, the implication was clear in the snap itself' - Magnus Bane

Thanks everyone :)

on Mar. 31 2013 at 10:14 pm
LexusMarie PLATINUM, Las Cruces, New Mexico
27 articles 0 photos 423 comments

Favorite Quote:
The more control you have over yourself, the less control others have over you.

You're a really, really great writer! I love this.. so interesting. It's really unique and I am really happy with this.. you're a GREAT writer. Keep it up! Great title and photo and story overall. Xx!

on Mar. 31 2013 at 3:43 pm
Atl.Braves03 BRONZE, Tampa, FL, Florida
4 articles 0 photos 77 comments

Favorite Quote:
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part
Of this picture he's painting
God is God and I am man
I will never understand
Because only God is God

Very interesting. I would try to avoid the clique character though. Instead of making one character perfect and another character bad, try blending the lines a little. You want the audience to be able to relate to each character. Besides that, I think it was a good start. Good luck on the rest of the story. I'm sure it will be great! :)

dagnytaggart said...
on Mar. 30 2013 at 9:17 pm
This is really interesting, and a great start. The personalities of the characters came through really well. Also, great descriptions! I need to find me a store like that!


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