Goldilocks and the Three Behrs' Furniture Gallery This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

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Stephanie stood at the front door of the Three Behr’s Furniture Gallery, tapping her foot in frustration. She had already been standing there for, like OMG ten minutes! and she had to get down to the mall because the shoe sale was about to end and Amanda kept texting her like “Where R U?” and she still had a TON of math home work to do and she just like couldn’t even deal anymore! That’s how frustrated she was. The manager had left her in charge of locking up the store at night, but there was a problem— this weird little freak was running around the gallery refusing to leave. When she first came in, she said her name was Goldilocks or something stupid like that. Stephanie thought that she must have sat in nearly three quarters of the various couches, chairs and stools in the store. (In case you haven’t ever been there it really is a lovely collection.) Each time she got to a chair, she would sit it in, a displeased look would cross her face, she would mumble something to herself, and then she went to seek out a new specimen.


Finally she couldn’t take it anymore; Stephanie marched over to where the girl was so she could tell her off. As soon as the little creep laid eyes on Stephanie, however, she ran away giggling. Unfortunately, little miss Goldilocks had gotten a little to tipsy from bar hopping all day long, and in her clumsiness knocked down a bookshelf filled with various mass-produced mock objets d'art. The bookshelves were arranged in a most unpractical fashion so that the first book shelf hit another, which hit another and another and another until the entire store was reduced to a pile of leather, cloth, plywood, and mahogany veneer.

At this point Stephanie was so exasperated that she grabbed the telephone and called the police, so they could stop little Goldilocks’s rampage of terror. Three officers arrived and tried to convince Goldilocks to leave before forcibly dragging her out of the door as she screamed expletives at them for not letting her find the chair that was “just right.”

But, Goldilocks was not done just yet. Squirming out of the cops grip, she ran back to the store, screaming and laughing hysterically. She didn’t get very far though, as she was so drunk that she tripped over her own feet and ran into a pole. The officers ran over to her, but she jumped onto one of them and started punching him in the face. Eventually they were forced to pull out the taser. The blindingly bright beam bedazzled her beautiful locks as it made contact with her forehead. The electricity was so powerful that her golden locks turned silver and literally stood on end. Disoriented, she was hauled off to the police cruiser, and she kept mumbling “this one is too hard, this one is too soft” over and over again as she was carted off to the county jail.





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