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The Completely Factual and Utterly Unexaggerated Accounts of My Dear Aunt J

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Many people have been asking me questions concerning my dear Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben and some of their fantastical adventures around the world. As difficult as it is to believe, some people are just unable to accept the fact that she invented water, discovered the fountain of youth, or became President of the World. Some find it hard to believe that they formed a biker gang that starts bar brawls, sells tickets to the fights, and uses the money to buy bingo cards; or suntans on the moon twice a year because the lack of atmosphere increases the strength of the sun.

In order to dispel these doubts and cure the stupidity of some people, I decided to travel to my Aunt Jemima’s house, in order to ask her some questions about her life. I booked a flight to her January house in the Bahamas (she has twelve different houses, one for each month of the year, located around the world), only to find out that she had moved to her February house a week early, due to scheduling conflicts. I then bought another plane ticket, and began my journey to the lost city of Atlantis.

Upon entering Atlantis, I was greeted by Shaxxtliphhzltx, my Aunt Jemima’s merperson servant. I met with my Aunt Jemima, started the recording device, and began with what I thought to be the most important question of all, whether she preferred the pronunciation “CA-ra-mel” or “CAR-mel.” (She told me that she hates the sound of both of them, and simply does not use that word.) I then continued by asking her how she manages to accomplish some of her amazing feats, such as speaking every language known to man (and gorilla, chimpanzee, and three dialects of dolphin.)

She began her tale by describing her first encounter with alien creatures. She was walking down the street one night, on the outskirts of Hong Kong, where her May house is located, and began hearing a strange humming sound. She looked up, startled, only to see the stars glittering in the sky. Calmed, she was about to turn away, when she noticed one of the stars was growing at a rapid rate. Suddenly, before she could even blink, a giant spaceship was right above her. Attempting to run away, she was engulfed in a dazzling light.

She awoke on some sort of table, with her arms and legs strapped down, as strange creatures loomed over her with scalpels and other medical tools. Before the macabre examination process could begin, she broke through the steel handcuffs, and used her ninja fighting moves she learned in Tokyo, to kick the butts of all the aliens, who, in attempt to appease her mercy, offered her all of their technology they had on board, which included, among other things, a time-travel machine, and a microchip, which once inserted into the brain, would allow one to speak every language on earth (apparently, the aliens had been documenting human civilization for some time, which makes sense. After all, they did help the Maya and Egyptians build those pyramids). She graciously accepted their offer, and left the ship. I asked her whether or not the aliens are still angry at her, and she replied that everyone had forgotten that incident and they were very good friends now. They still send each other messages on the Intergalactic Social Networking Site, similar to Facebook, but without all of those annoying notifications.

At this point the batteries in my recording device died, and I had to fly home to get new ones, because apparently batteries don’t exist in Atlantis since they run all of their machines telepathically.





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