A long time ago, about last Thursday, a man named Professor Sumting was trying to invent a new way to cook food—such as a small chicken or a fish perhaps. Professor Sumting had a wild, Einstein look to his hair. The only difference was he had totally black hair and was about 4’6” ft. tall. He appeared really smart, but was actually quite clumsy and forgetful.

While thinking of his invention, Professor Sumting suddenly had an “ah-ha moment,” and he worked steadily on putting his ideas into a tangible product. After his creation was finished, he named it the “May-Kit-Fast” (similar to the microwave, only bigger and faster). However, what he didn’t realize was that it created too much radiation. After he stuck a chicken into the “May-Kit-Fast,” the meal came to life with a serious case of the munchies.

“Click, click bzzzzzd, poof!” The chicken came to life. It grew fangs, and its talons curled to sharp, razor-like blades. Although the chicken WAS dead, it still jumped out of the “May-Kit-Fast” and ran like the world was after it. The chicken devoured his molding, week-old sandwich, shredded his Lazy Boy chair, and destroyed his diminutive kitchen. Professor Sumting observed his lab while concealing himself behind his massive toy box full of useless parts. Everything looked as if a miniature tornado had swirled through his things, chewed them up, and spat them right back out.

Terrified Professor Sumting took a gaze at the horrid creature, and it snarled at the sight of his face as if it had drank some bad milk. He quivered in fear. The chicken looked at Professor Sumting with a mischievous grin as it stood over his favorite lime-green, polka-dotted shirt. Then it darted its eyes back to meet the Professor’s. “Noooooo!” Professor Sumting roared. The chicken splattered its goop all over his precious shirt, leaving it a color that resembled a grayish-brown banana.
The chicken’s twitchy legs and crazy-looking eyes made the hairs on the back of Professor Sumting’s neck stand up. Threatened by the ghastly creature, Professor Sumting realized that he was stuck in his lab with nothing to defend himself but his books and surrounding snacks.

As a last resort, Professor Sumting flung his bag of Doritos at the chicken. The bag stuck to the chicken’s bald head, and the goop prevented it from falling to the floor. The chicken struggled to remove the bag from its head. Shaking in frustration, it glared at Professor Sumting with laser-like eyes.

“Ah darn it… no weapons, no defense,” whispered the Professor. “Cough, ack,” the chicken began to hiss and cough. Professor’s eyes widened. Its talons scraped and scratched against the tile floor, like chalk against a chalkboard, and it twitched constantly as it slunk and lurched forward. As the sickly chicken was about to attack, “squish!” a meteor dropped on it and destroyed any toxins from the goop.

After the squashed-zombie-chicken incident, Professor Sumting learned that if you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t do it. Professor Sumting went on in life making weirder inventions, and sooner or later solved… Note from author: “I lost the rest of the story because the chicken ate it… I’m sorry.”