Story of the Demons

March 4, 2012
By GeeGi BRONZE, Park City, Utah
GeeGi BRONZE, Park City, Utah
3 articles 0 photos 51 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Being crazy isn't enough.”
― Dr. Seuss

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”
― Dr. Seuss


When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was that I was lying in a bed. When the memories of the past who-knows-now long came rushing back to me, I wondered why would our kidnappers give me a bed? The next thing I noticed was that my friends were hanging on the wall. They were shackled and hung by their wrists, 2 feet off the ground. Charlotte, Violet, and Sara were still out cold, their heads hanging down as they mumbled in their sleep, but Andrea was wide awake. Her eyes were filled with fear.
    "Natalie!" She whispered urgently "This is the place. It's where I was kept prisoner. You have to leave, NOW!" I surveyed our cell. It was exactly like I thought Andrea described it. A dark cave, lit by torches hung on the wall. Two tunnels led on to other caves on either side. Nothing was barred. I could easily make my escape, but I couldn't just leave these girls (who had saved my life more than once) to possibly their deaths. Though, maybe I could find the key. I began to devise a plan when I heard a new voice. A man's voice.
    Through the right entrance, the masked man strode in, still wearing his mask.
    "Natalie!" he said warmly "I see that you've awoken. Would you like some food? Water? Anything for you."
    "Why did you bring us here?" I asked firmly. I had no weapon, and knew no defense besides a feeble punch. If we were to escape I would need to think our way out of this.
    The man sighed. "Down to the point I see. As you wish dear. Come, follow me." He gestured for me to follow him out the right gate. I looked to Andrea for guidance. She shook her head urgently.
    "Don't go!" she hissed "He'll hurt you!"
    "Silly girl." the man said "Just because we weren't as kind to you, doesn't mean we will hurt Natalie. Besides, our violence was just." What sort of violence would be just?! I thought. When the man looked in my horrified eyes, he said "Alright, I will even give you back your dagger, so if I hurt you. You can hurt me. That's fair, isn't it?" He pulled a dagger from his belt. It was to small, and to dull, but it was better than nothing. And I wanted to see why he was treating me so much better than the others.
    "Ok, I will go with you. IF you promise to let my friends and I go in the next hour." The man sighed again.
    "I suppose. An hour is all the time we need." I didn't like where this was going, but I followed him into the tunnel.
    We went into a furnished room with a wooden door. It had two wooden chairs and a rock table. The man gestured for me to sit. I remained standing. He shrugged and sat down.
    "Natalie. I'm sure you've figured out by now that you’re demoness." I nodded, and he continued. "Long ago, demons were created out of rock, mud, and fire by the three fates, or that is how it is told. The fates created the demons to become a thriving culture. To help balance the world, at it's primitive state. And to help the human race become as powerful as it was ment to be. For centuries, the demons did as the were supposed to. The educated the humans, taught them to farm, and write, and become a great society. They were two cultures, side by side. Helping each other to become the best they could be.
    Then, the great flying creatures from the north, wandered into our lands. They sought food and water.  Demons were terrified of the creatures, but the humans seemed, attracted, to them. They befriended the creatures, and called them dragons. At first, they only used their new-found friends to fly and build great fires, and hunt, but they realized the dragons could be used for so much more. They were a weapon. The leaders of the humans, ordered an attack on the demons. Hoping to gain more power from fear than friendship.
    The attack worked. They burnt the demon city, and killed or enslaved every last demon. For centuries they toiled. Enslaved for the race they had created, doing the most menial jobs everyday without rest. Eventually, the demons had a rebellion. They escaped their homes through force, and ran to hide in the woods. The humans had their "dragon riders" scour the land for the demons. That order is still in effect today. The humans are still hunting demons Natalie. Their still trying to kill every last one of our kind. The race that we brought from the darkness of caves, to the glory of an empire, is trying to kill us." The man had been pacing around the room. He looked at me now with tears in his eyes. "They will stop at no end, until our race is extinct. But you. You Natalie Harpent, have a way to stop them."
    "Me?" I asked "How could I stop the dragon riders? I don't even want to!" At this the man grew angry.
    "DON'T WANT TO! They are the one's killing our kind. They are the one's who killed your parents! And you don't want them dead?!" Wait, they had killed my parents. As realization hit, I was filled with anger. I wanted blood. The blood that had spilled from my parents bodies that I had found as they were laying dead in the snow. I wanted revenge.
    "How can I stop them?"
    "Do you realize who have been traveling with?" said the man "Do you realize how significant those girls are in this world? Violet alone, who is the most timid, took out a whole ship of Sardilian pirates when she was 10. Andrea, has taken on the entire Neplun market, just for a single egg. Charlotte could take over this entire country by force if she wanted to. If you take out these girls, you will cripple the dragon riders enough to crumple their entire organization, enough for a demon invasion." He pointed to the knife I was holding. "This knife is made of demon crystal. Bring it out, and it could make them go blind from the torture just by looking at it. If you stab them in the heart, it's a slow and painful death, taking up to two weeks. They will go mad with pain, lame from torture, and by the end they will be begging for death."


The author's comments:
My friend and I have been writing a short story for a while now, and I wanted to post the most recent bit, that I've written. If lots of you like this, I can post the rest of the story when we finish. Enjoy :)

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This article has 23 comments.


GeeGi BRONZE said...
on May. 7 2012 at 9:35 pm
GeeGi BRONZE, Park City, Utah
3 articles 0 photos 51 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Being crazy isn't enough.”
― Dr. Seuss

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”
― Dr. Seuss

This is the co-author everyone. Ya.....

GeeGi BRONZE said...
on May. 7 2012 at 9:35 pm
GeeGi BRONZE, Park City, Utah
3 articles 0 photos 51 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Being crazy isn't enough.”
― Dr. Seuss

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”
― Dr. Seuss

This is the co-author everyone. Ya.....

on May. 7 2012 at 1:11 pm
MrPuffin BRONZE, Park City, Utah
3 articles 0 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Write to be understood, speak to be heard, read to grow...”
(By LCP)

"Promise me you'll always remember: You are braver then you believe, stronger then you seem, and smarter then you think."
(Christiphor Robin to Pooh)

Alright, everybody, Just so you know, epiclyawesome and I have posted the story.  (It's what we have so far.)  It's called Demoness.  Check it out if you want.

on May. 7 2012 at 9:14 am
MrPuffin BRONZE, Park City, Utah
3 articles 0 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Write to be understood, speak to be heard, read to grow...”
(By LCP)

"Promise me you'll always remember: You are braver then you believe, stronger then you seem, and smarter then you think."
(Christiphor Robin to Pooh)

(hey epiclyawesome, you should probabbly say that you have posted the rest that we have so far.)

on May. 7 2012 at 9:10 am
MrPuffin BRONZE, Park City, Utah
3 articles 0 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Write to be understood, speak to be heard, read to grow...”
(By LCP)

"Promise me you'll always remember: You are braver then you believe, stronger then you seem, and smarter then you think."
(Christiphor Robin to Pooh)

We posted more.  It's called "Demoness."  Oh, and BTW, I'm the co-author of this book.  Enjoy!

on May. 2 2012 at 7:05 am
Itsbeenalongday SILVER, Hendersonville, North Carolina
7 articles 0 photos 27 comments

Favorite Quote:
The Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time!

GOOD writing but its really not my style its a bit to dark for me

on May. 1 2012 at 11:19 am
ScubaDiver GOLD, Billingham, Other
13 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
When Life gives you a hundred reasons to cry show life you have a thousand reasons to smile
Work Like you dont need the money love like you've never been hurt dance like theres no one in the room
You have enemies, good, that means you've fought for

This is good. I've never read anything like this before. You should post more. Only thing I would say is I think the character changed her mind to quickly to help them. You should add more detail about her parents deaths. It's a really good idea, but I don't think its quite perfect. Keep working at it. 

on Apr. 8 2012 at 10:31 am
IfYoureMad-KillWithKindness GOLD, West Grove, Pennsylvania
12 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Life is like a roller coaster,when you're at the top you fear of falling, when you're at the bottom you want to get to the top."

Well yeah I agree but if she's like me and writes in her notes on her iPod or iPad then there are going to be grammatical errors, it's just unavoidable

on Apr. 6 2012 at 2:19 pm
wordbeater SILVER, Sharpsburg, Georgia
6 articles 0 photos 26 comments

Favorite Quote:
Truth is beauty and beauty truth, that is all ye know on earth and all ye need to know.

Keats

I liked the concept, but there were definitely some grammatical errors throughout the story. I also agree with the complaints of it being choppy. I think that could be fixed if you vary your sentence lengths more often and slow down the pace of the story by giving more description etc. But it has very good bones so definitely keep going! I'm sure the farther you get into this the better it will flow. 

on Apr. 2 2012 at 8:46 pm
Tatiel PLATINUM, Washington, Vermont
23 articles 21 photos 57 comments

Favorite Quote:
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
~Mark Twain

Oh. My. Goodness. I want more. This is amazing. The suspense is perfect, and even though this selection seems to be picking up in the middle of the story, nothing is too obscure or confusing. This is wonderful. PLEASE post more, and let me know if you do! =)) *rates five and adds to favorites* 

on Mar. 18 2012 at 6:17 pm
Potterlover929 BRONZE, San Jose, California
2 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It is far better to be optimistic and wrong than pessimistic and right. Optimistic people can always find the good in things even if they seem horrible, whereas pessimists just ignore the good while focusing on the bad."

I really liked this piece....... 5 stars!

whiterose GOLD said...
on Mar. 18 2012 at 5:42 pm
whiterose GOLD, Independence, Missouri
14 articles 0 photos 34 comments

Favorite Quote:
The future lies before you, like a field of fallen snow; be careful how you tread it, for every step will show.

I've got just a couple comments.

First of all, not to be a jerk at all, but it's choppy, confusing, and poorly written.  When the man says who killed your parents, theirs no detail, no nothing.  You just say you want blood.   And since you know who I am, when did you change your name to natalie, and further more... it's just not a great section.  You make the characters seem lame, and if you say they're powerful, then how could they be defeated so easily. 

And there's absolutely no description.  You said that this was just a portion of the story...why...there's nothing to go off. 

Frankly, this isn't the best I've ever read, so sorry.  Just critisism...


on Mar. 18 2012 at 4:13 pm
WSwilliams GOLD, Toronto, Ontario, Other
12 articles 3 photos 95 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you keep writing, you will pick up structure. You will pick up form

- Richard Matheson

Hey! I liked your story. It was very entertaining and I like the beginning as well. I noticed some punctutation and spelling errors, so it could help if you take a look at it again. All in all, good work!

on Mar. 17 2012 at 8:32 pm
ChristopherMenton BRONZE, Blythewood, South Carolina
3 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
Live each day to the fullest.

Well I personally can't wait until you post the full thing; mhm i'll be looking forward to it.

-Emmy- SILVER said...
on Mar. 17 2012 at 1:42 pm
-Emmy- SILVER, Harrisonburg, Virginia
9 articles 0 photos 7 comments
I really liked this I think once you write more it has real potential ;) I really like it and I think should put more so I can read it ;D

. said...
on Mar. 17 2012 at 12:01 am
Excellent job :-) can't wait to read more. Keep writing! Post more!

GeeGi BRONZE said...
on Mar. 16 2012 at 7:06 pm
GeeGi BRONZE, Park City, Utah
3 articles 0 photos 51 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Being crazy isn't enough.”
― Dr. Seuss

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”
― Dr. Seuss

Thanks to everybody that has given me feedback and praise. I'm glad that you've liked my work. Thanks for the support :)

GeeGi BRONZE said...
on Mar. 16 2012 at 7:05 pm
GeeGi BRONZE, Park City, Utah
3 articles 0 photos 51 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Being crazy isn't enough.”
― Dr. Seuss

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”
― Dr. Seuss

This is a small portion from the middle of the story. If I post the rest when I'm done, this will make much more sense.

on Mar. 16 2012 at 4:12 pm
AnimaCordis GOLD, London, Other
13 articles 0 photos 132 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Evil is when the good do nothing"

I'm going to skip any structorial comments, as that's a little boring. However, I don't think you build tension much. Although this makes sence when the character is first waking up (as their senses would be slow at this point) it should change as they gain awareness. Try shorter sentences etc. In addtion, the character's mental monolog should be more seperate from their discritption of events surrounding them, this too would help to build tension. Lastly, on this point, you have (in my opinion) too many characters. Obviously at this point the character development will be minimal, there still should be a slightly more thourgh introduction of different characters. In addtion, it might prove difficult in future to develop each character individually as you have so many. 

In terms of ideas, I'll be frank, this is not entierally original. The whole idea of those who appear weak being strong in reality and avenging past atrosities has been done before. However, I like your character's mental strength and mind set. I think she could take you far with this story.  Out of all the characters described, she has the most intrest and is, to me, the most realistic. 

Lastly, this is a more personal issue, I don't understand how they got caught in the cave if they're all so powerfull. Perhaps this is revealed later in the story? 


on Mar. 14 2012 at 9:45 pm
SpringAhead GOLD, Phoenixville, Pennsylvania
12 articles 0 photos 99 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't call me crazy, it drives me nuts!"








~Anonymous

In all my life I have never seen demons portrayed in this light before. I really like it :) Kind of agree with lamp when she says it was choppy but that was only like a little bit, not very much at all. You should definitely continue this, and post it because I would definitely read it!


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