Mind-Blown via Nostrils

February 4, 2012
The stuff of legends, the day a teen realizes headphones inserted into the nostrils amplify music out the open mouth.

FREDERICK, MARYLAND- I as a reporter might begin this account by employing an author's license; "it was a dark and stormy night, etc". However, it was not stormy. In fact it was a beastly humid summer night, the kind so disgusting and muggy it makes you want to shed your skin and suck ice cubes until November.

In more factual elaboration, it was January the eighth of 2012, and young Haley Somnion sat crouched in all the glorious gangliness of youth before her laptop. Bobbing her head to the techno music burbling from a pair of earphones in what she hoped was a hardcore fashion (in actuality she resembled an epileptic pigeon), the girl's neurotic train of thought wandered. She pondered the humdrum (if practical) method of 'ear'phones in scorn, and recalled how Stitch the alien had merely to open his mouth in order to channel nearby radio stations.

What if, she queried internally, one could project sound through the nasal canals, down the throat, and into the mouth? The idea wasn't completely irrational, and the girl was annoyed at her own knee-jerk hesitance to experiment with the idea. While admittedly unorthodox in concept, she resolved to try it. After all, the creator of such revolutionary products as pop tarts or toe rings likely suffered the status of village idiot until their innovative genius was recognized!

Bashfully, and with the nonchalance of a person doing something they hope no one walks in on, Haley inserted one magenta earplug into her left nostril with a giggle. Then, as her brain seemed not to have imploded, in the other went. She had not an inkling of the enormity of the next few moments, for as she opened her mouth, spilling over her teeth and into the atmosphere, Modest Mouse's "Dramamine" flooded the room, shattering all her preconceived notions about the universe, like a tsunami of epic, nasal, truth.

The Investigative Fallout

As the unfortunate youth's remains were vacuumed up for an attempt at an autopsy, Chief of Police Sergent O'Donnell gave his official statement on this bizarre case; "The poor kid just couldn't handle it. All evidence suggests this case is what the morticians refer to as 'Fatal awesome-overload'. Similar consequences can follow a person's first taste of Nutella."

With your help, more needless deaths, like Haley's, can be prevented. Spread the word; Stitch the alien is not to be imitated, and even innocent curiosity can lead to awkward conversations, such as explaining to your land lord the brain-splatter stains adorning the walls of your daughter's bedroom.

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